Safe Sex in Relationships

20120703-124148.jpg

QUESTION:

I’m a pretty safe person for the most part. I don’t drive in bad neighborhoods, I drive safely, I don’t swim too far out in the ocean, and I’m very safe when it comes to dating and sex. Eventually, we all meet someone though who we trust, and when we meet them we let our standards slip because we trust the person.

I just met this amazing person. I trust him, I definitely like him, and can see a future with him. However, we just recently began a physical relationship. We had not talked about birth control at all beforehand, so he had no clue if I was on anything. I don’t assume a guy is going to protect me from pregnancy and STD’s i know that I have to be the one looking out for myself. However, we all have those moments when we let our guard down and assume.

I assumed that he was going to be careful and use some form of birth control when we first hooked up and he did not. I could not tell until afterward and I was like “oh my god! I can’t believe you did that.” I made sure to take plan b to prevent pregnancy, but I’m still concerned about his actions. Should I be concerned?

I really like him, but if this is something that he obviously doesn’t care about does that mean he wants a child? Hopefully not, because it is way to early to even think about a child. Do you think that he just doesn’t care about me and was just doing what felt good to him? Or do you think that maybe he just assumed I was on something? When I confronted him his response was just that basically he was sorry but couldn’t control himself?!? Help!

JOHNNY:

Before I get too in depth about your dilemma, I want to correct you on something. Your standards don’t slip when you meet someone that you trust, you simply let your guard down. The difference between these two things is that when your ‘standards slip’ that means you lower your standards and make excuses to be with someone that doesn’t deserve your time and feelings. When you let your guard down and open up to someone, it means that they have already met some of your standards because you have began engaging in some sort of friendship/relationship.

Letting your guard down like this is perfectly acceptable. For the record, I knew what you meant though, but felt that I wanted to express that there is a huge difference between the two because trust is established before your guard is let down. When you lower your standards, you don’t even consider trust in the equation.

Anyhow, on to more important fish to fry. Being in a physical relationship is important for a ton of reasons. It means you have more of an attraction for your significant other and you have chosen to take it to the next level. While this may not be a big deal for some, it is huge for others and in your particular case. It sounds like you and your partner were both ready for this step. It is always a good idea to protect yourself because no matter how much you trust someone, you can’t always assume they have your best interests in mind.

When you are in the heat of the moment, I know it goes without being said that the best way to prevent pregnancy is to use condoms. No matter what, he should not assume that you are on something. This is something that is his responsibility to ask and your responsibility to tell before you ever engage in sex! I know that people often go without using condoms, which is totally your own choice, but it also comes with those risks of pregnancy and STD’s. For your case, the fact that he didn’t “prepare” for the ending result by getting his timing right is a little troublesome. It’s not rocket science to figure out when it is approaching and how to avoid that issue. However, in some cases, it totally catches you off guard and literally sneaks up on you. No way for me to tell which is the case here, but I’ll try to offer incite.

The fact that he said he couldn’t control himself sounds like he might be inexperienced with having sex without a condom. Unfortunately for some guys, the first few times without a rubber can be difficult to determine when you are getting close and when it’s too late. The best way to remedy this without it happening again is to either slow down and not be as physical in your relationship until you have established ground rules or just make him wear the rubber.

Either way, if you aren’t wishing to have a child at this point in your life, these are the two best options. There are still plenty of other ways to have intimacy without sex (I can’t believe I actually said this). I’m sure if you were to sit down with him and explain that you are concerned about getting pregnant from “accidents” that he will definitely either try harder to prevent it, or just be smart and rubber up. It is not wrong of you to be concerned because the results are literally life-altering; and if you aren’t ready for the consequences then it makes it even more of a difficult issue to handle.

Unfortunately, I don’t have any other words of wisdom except that you have to always be thinking about yourself; especially since you are a woman. Unless you are married, it is a good idea to always be on your toes because like you said you can’t depend on others to always be protecting you. You always have to have your best interests at heart. If he doesn’t want to hear what you have to say about being safe, it is a good idea to probably leave the relationship because it shows lack of compassion, trust, and general respect for a person. Hope this helps!

EDITOR’S NOTE: We always recommend the use of birth control to prevent the spread of STD’s and unplanned pregnancy. Prevention is the responsibility of both sexes, so we encourage girls to carry condoms along for casual sex and some form of birth control. Sex can be a very great bonding experience when the right precautions are taken. We are firm believers the best pathway to parenthood is through marriage. We know that doesn’t always happen, so we would never think negatively on any single parent for being one. Happy sex and safe days.

Random Q & A (Part XII)

QUESTION

friends with benefits, friendship, friendships, fwb, boundaries, respect, my boyMy girlfriend of 4 months feels like we are becoming best friends. She said she can act herself around me and talk to me about anything. What does this mean?

ARIANA:

STOP! Don’t be her girlfriend!  Girlfriends listen to everything they have to say, that’s not a boyfriend’s job. Either of 2 things will happen if you continue: 1) you will become friends or 2) she will become dependent on you listenening to her every problem and issues, whereas she should be able to handle issues on her own. She’ll get upset if you don’t listen to gossip about her friends, every work issue, etc.  Tell you her you support her and listen to her, but there’s some things that would be more helpful if she talks to a friend!

QUESTION:

What can a girl do to make sure her man feels secure? The guy I’m dating has said he doesn’t feel like I got his back (we had our friends have drama go down when we went out one night and he was trying to help resolve it). Then today he wanted to hear me reassure him that I’m only with him. What can I do so that he feels confident in how I feel?

ARIANA:

Just be you. You can try and reassure someone all day till your face is blue but it solely depends on that individual to realize your dedication, commitment, and loyalty to them. So as long as your actions mirror your words and in your heart you know your loyalty lies with him everything else should fall into place.

QUESTION:

My boy  is dating this girl he met.  Her cousin and I kinda hit it off, hooked up the first night.  We’ve been talking on and off for the last few months.  We do double dates every now and then.  But, we talked about it and she understands we’re just friends with benefits.  I like her company but neither of us are looking for more.   One night she invites me to go out, so we can hang wiwth her cousin and my boy.  I thought it was cool, but then when I got there she started flirting with every dude.  Yet when I started talking to girls, even a table full of girls, she got upset.  Then she told me we could still be friends with benefits at the end of the night.  There’s no way at the end of the night that I’m going to hit it if she’s been flirting with guys all night and been inconsiderate when she invited me out.  What’s her deal?   

ARIANA:

Sounds like you ‘friends’ need to have a discussion (if it’s not over already, seems to be a whole lot of drama for a fwb relationship) about each of your expectations out of this ‘friends with benefits’ relationships.  Misunderstands and drama happen when the boundaries aren’t defined.  Also, the key word here is ‘friends’, so that means you should be able to talk and respect each other. 

Yes, if she invited you to hang out, then she should be focused on you and not flirting with guys.  You’re not leftovers and shouldn’t be treated as such.  You shouldn’t allow yourself to be disrespected like that.  But by the same token, games don’t show respect either.  As hard and tempting as it may be, as soon as you saw her talk to a guy, it would’ve been best to pull her aside and clear the air. 

This is exactly why friends with benefits is tough to continue, because you have that element of friendship where it canboundaries, respect, drama, secure cause drama when boundaries start to blur.  Even if this one’s not wrecked, remember for next time that first and foremost, you should set the rules clearly and touch on as many points that need to be addressed.  And, a ‘safe word’ is always helpful in communication, in this case, it would be when someone is starting to develop more than fwb feelings.  Good luck.  That’s a whole lot of effort to get some, but what do I know, I haven’t had a man since the last election!

Posted using Tinydesk Writer iPhone app

Money Issues in Dating

QUESTION:
So I have been dating this guy for a few weeks now and was wondering when we should start sharing in our entertainment expenses? He always wants to go out and do things but unfortunately I am not as financially stable as he is. I feel bad when he is always paying for everything but I really am not in a position to waste money on things that are not important like going to the movies and out to eat. How do I let him know this in a tactful way?

(Rea, Seattle, WA)

AUBREY:

Good question Rea, it sounds like the guy you have been seeing is financially stable and enjoys taking you out. If he did not have the money, then I’m sure he would suggest that you both eat at home or rent a movie instead. The best way to approach him about this, is to be completely honest with him. Yes, it may be a little embarrassing to go into details about your finances with him. But in the long run, he will appreciate that you are being honest. If you have not yet offered to pay, he could possibly feel used and that is no way to begin a relationship.

Let him know first off about your feelings for him, then let him know you appreciate that he always takes you out. I would tell him that you love spending time together no matter what you do. And let him know, he doesn’t always have to spend money taking you out. Let him know that you do feel guilty that you can’t take him out because of your financial situation. It may be good to drop some figures like your salary or that $5000 school loan.

Let him know your long-term goals, so that he knows why you can’t spend on unnecessary things. For example you could say, “I would like to have $2000 saved by the end of the year, so that I can go back to school. That’s why I can’t spend $50 on a concert ticket.” It would be a good idea to do inexpensive things for him to show you care. You could bake him his favorite cookie, set up a room with candles, soft music, give him a massage, or cook him dinner. The most important thing is to let him know that regardless of what you do, you love to be with him and that you care about him.

Every relationship is different. Some men would never let a woman pay, while other men have a more modern view. Always be honest with your significant other about important issues such as finances, especially if you are unable to contribute much financially to a relationship.

Pimping Deadlines

QUESTION:

I am so fed up with dating.  I broke up with an abusive boyfriend of 5 years last year.  And I have been on a rampage.  I haven’t really been looking for anything in particular, but all I have is bad luck.  All I seem to find is guys who could care 2 sh&ts about me.  I had never experienced such deep passion and intimacy as I did with my previous boyfriend.  So, the only goal I really had was to prove to myself that I could experience that with someone else and that abusive boyfriend was not the ‘one’ for me.  I met guys everywhere–the mall, nightclubs, bars, through friends, Facebook, etc. through most of the year.  And none of it was intimate like it was with him.  I finally met one where it was full of intimacy and passion, but that one night we slept together was about all we had.  After that, he was a complete jerk and lead me on for the next couple months.  I was so jaded by the whole situation, I scrubbed my entire phone of guys I had met.  I scrubbed 30 numbers.  I had no idea I had talked and dated so many guys.  I vowed to myself that I was done with that lifestyle.  I cut everything off with every single guy I was dating then.  And I took myself off the market.  I needed a lot of reflection time, I’m a sweet, innocent girl, I didn’t want what any of those guys had to offer.  All I had wanted was just to have fun and it wasn’t fun anymore.  So, for a few weeks, I just kept it low key.  Then, we went out to the club one night and my BFF’s twin who had moved back was with us.  I had never met him before, he was working in Hawaii, so we never had a chance to meet.  He was shy, had a cute smile, was really intelligent based on our conversation, and we had a spark when we started dancing.  We gave me his number and I decided to message him.  He just messaged me and messaged me right after another.  He would write 4 screens worth of messages.  He didn’t hold anything back.  A couple days after the club, he asked me if I wanted to go to the mall.  We went there and ate, had a great team.  When it was time for me to get out of the car, he leaned in and kissed me a few times.  I was mesmerized, but that night after some thought, I realized I was still jaded.  I didn’t want to date.  I’m thinking about cutting things off before they start so I’m true to my ‘reflection’ time.  Am I making a mistake?  If you felt that instant connection with someone, should you go after it?

SLICK RICK:

This is quite a predicament you are in.  On one hand, I completely understand why you feel jaded and completely against wanting to date or engage in a relationship with someone new.  After countless times of heartache and disappointment, you probably have the thought that he would just be ‘another typical guy’. I know this is quite confusing and pretty frustrating, but never fear, Slick Rick is here!

I have been in your shoes before when it comes to being completely against going out with someone new.  In your experience, you had an abusive jerk that treated you like garbage and probably didn’t deserve a second of your time anyway. I do have a question for you. Just for clarification, the guy that was abusive to you…was he also the one that you shared the deep passion and intimacy with?  I just wanted to get a better understanding for myself as well as any others that may read this. If this is the case, the reason why your experiences with him were so intimate is because you spent the most amount of time with him. You became dependent upon him and his ways, even though you recognize that he was abusive to you. I do not know that you mean by abusive, but regardless of whether it was physical, mental, or emotional; any type of abuse is WRONG.

Before I really get in depth, I want you to understand that I am not a psychologist or doctor of any kind, but simply a man with advice. If he has physically abused you, I suggest you report it to the police.  Ok, now back to your first situation. After spending nearly five years with a person, it is natural to compare anyone new to how your ex treated you physically, mentally, affectionately, ect.  If this guy had you thinking that his ‘stuff’ was the best there is out there because of his abuse, it can take serious time to recover from such a devastating experience.  Now I have no idea how your intimate lifestyle was with the guy or any of that, but if you say it was ‘the best’ then I will take your word for it.  I do want to ask what made him the best? If a person could treat you so wrongly, how is it that he is anything but a jackass?

I want to make it clear to you as well as any other reader; having these feelings towards the new men you meet is not your fault. It sounds like you tried to get back in the game after breaking up with your ex, and unfortunately, you have found out that many guys are jerks. It can be difficult meeting new guys whether it be on Facebook, through friends, going out to bars/clubs, ect.  You said that once you realized that you were not happy, you ended up deleting 30 names/numbers.  I think this is good that you took a step back and analyzed the lifestyle you were leading and did not like the person you were or were becoming.  If you are not truly happy with who you are, it will be impossible to find happiness with anyone or to even try to engage in a relationship. Taking time away from others to have personal reflection is very important to gaining your sanity, especially from a bad relationship and then from other terrible dating situations.

I personally think it is good that you have met your BFF’s twin and the two of you had a good time meeting one another.  You had a chance to see him multiple times and he even made you have that special feeling that you have been longing to have by treating you the way you deserve to be treated.  This is where things are going to get a little difficult and only you can answer these questions.

Have you fully recovered from your abusive relationship enough to trust another man to not treat you that way? You are the only one who knows when you have truly recovered from that traumatic experience. If you haven’t recovered, then I suggest you take it easy before you get too far involved with this guy. So far it sounds like you really enjoy his company and him being around though.

How comfortable do you feel around him? Do you feel like you can be open with him or do you feel reserved?  The reason I ask these questions is because I once met a girl that had just got out of a physically abusive relationship.  The girl would literally jump back when I would try to hug her or show any affection and it scared me half to death because I thought it was something I was doing.  I confronted her about this because if it was me, I wanted to know what I was doing wrong.  She then explained to me she had a previous boyfriend hit her often and verbally abused her, so she was afraid of men.  After hearing this, I felt it was my duty as a man (especially one that liked her), to show her that not all men are that way.  I didn’t pressure her to talk to me, but when she did open up, it made her feel much more at ease about being around me and understanding that not all me were like her ex-boyfriend.  So my advice with this is if you do feel like you are at a comfortable enough stage in your reflection time period, you may want to just talk with him about your previous experience with your ex-boyfriend and some other men you have dated.  If you explain to him that you are very cautious right now about dating because of some terrible experiences you have had, he will more than likely be understanding of why you are timid rather than assuming that it is something he is doing. This will at least give him a chance to show if he has what it takes to be with you!

I would definitely say that if you had an instant connection with him, especially if you know his twin very well, that it is at least worth a chance.  I must give you a word of caution though, and this is something you will have to consider.  If you date your friend’s twin, will it change the dynamic of you and your BFF’s friendship if anything should happen to you and him if you do decide to date?  I would discuss this with your friend as well as with the guy because you wouldn’t want to ruin two relationships if something goes sour.  Aside from that, I say give it a shot…it could be the best thing that happens to you.  As always, I hope Slick Rick has been helpful! :)

Random Q & A (Part XI)

QUESTION:  I’m in love with a stripper!  Help!  What should I do?

SLICK RICK:

Ok, usually I try my best to give long, drawn-out answers to everyone’s issues in order to help those individuals with problematic situations get a good understanding about their options.  With this, I found myself just shaking my head and wondering if this is a real question or if you are yanking my chain.  I’m honestly hoping that this is your first time or two going to a strip club and that this is the first time you have seen a naked woman up close.  For your sake, I am going to entertain the idea that you met her before knowing her job and that you are actually having a REAL relationship with her; not just the kind that involves her G-string and your dollar bills.

If she was a stripper before you met her and continues to do this as her job, that is something you have whether you can deal with it.  Yeah, she may get on stage and ‘shake it’ for her income, but at the same time, you gotta what you gotta do to pay the bills as long as it’s not illegal.  If you are stuggling with this aspect of her job, explain your feelings to her to see if she entertains the idea of  looking into a different career.  If not, it’s probably not the best idea to continue pursuing the relationship.

**Honestly, I have no problem with strippers. They are doing what they have to do to earn a living. but saying, “I’m in love with a stripper! Help! What do I do?” makes me wonder if are you serious dude??  I am not trying to be rude or dismiss the idea of having a relationship with a stripper.  But this is something a 14-15 year old would say after looking at his first Playboy magazine.  If you are looking for a real relationship, then TRY pursuing something that you realistically have a chance of obtaining long-term!**

QUESTION:  I think I have a lot to offer a girl, but none of them seem attracted to me.  I’m a little overweight, 30 lbs to be exact.  But girls don’t even seem to give me the time of day.  How can I get a girl to talk to me and what else should I do?   

SLICK RICK:

There is a lot of things running through my mind with this post.  First,DO NOT get too discouraged or hard on yourself for women ‘not being attracted to you’.  I’m going to say this.  It doesn’t matter if you are single, in a relationship, married or divorced; as a man,you will never be able to tell what a woman is thinking with absolute certainty.  For me, it is difficult to tell you what you are doing wrong to not attract women or even have them give you the time of day.

I do have a few questions for you that you may want to consider.  First of all, what type of activities do you participate in?  What is your personality like?  It is good to stay within your comfort zone to a certain degree. What I mean is ithat f you are shy, it’s ok to be shy.  If you are outgoing, it’s ok to be outgoing.  If you are shy, it’s not a bad idea to try to be more outgoing.

I noticed you said you were about 30 lbs overweight.  Now I’m not one to say anything about a person’s physique, but most people have more confidence when they are doing healthier activities such as sports or going to the gym.  When I say going to the gym, I’m not talking about the  juiceheads that pump steroids and do that nonsense.  For me, I am a bit on the smaller side as far as  physique, but it doesn’t stop me from running and lifting weights.  I do it to stay healthy and remain in decent shape.  For guys, it is a little easier for us to approach women if we have confidence about how we look.  Women also respond better when a man is confident.  If we go in front of girls and spend most of the time being scared or uncertain about ourselves, it turns them off (that much I do know).

The next question I have is, what is your approach to a woman?  Do you go up to them or wait for them to approach you?  I know all women are different in this aspect.  Some like being approached with conversation and others will come to you talking your ears off until you honestly can’t listen any longer.  I asked this because when looking to engage in conversations with women, it is best to do a little scouting report on your lady of choice.  If she is with a large group friends, you should wait a few minutes to catch her with just one or two before approaching. 

You should be prepared for your first encounter by having questions and things to talk about. When you meet a person for the first time, the first five minutes tell the woman all she needs to know about you.  It lets her know whether or not, there will be a second encounter and conversation.  If the converstation dies quickly or not many similarities between the two of you, chances for a second encounter will be nonexistent.  If you ask her enough questions with ample time fo her to talk, it gives you a better opportunity to see things she does.  It also helps you to see if you have similarities.  Ultimately, she shows her hand before you do which gives you the upper hand (any ladies reading this don’t take offense, but we need any advantage we can get :) ). 

Another method that helps break the ice is being funny.  I’m not talking about using cheesy, corny lines either.  I have only heard of these working out a few times, so I’m not going to give it too high of a recommendation.  What I mean is that it’s okay to make jokes about yourself  tp break the ice.  Don’t rag yourself too bad.  But if you can laugh at yourself, as well as make her laugh, chances are, she will see a different side of you and continue the conversation.  If she chimes picking on you, take a few shots at her (in a joking manner of course).  This shows her everyone has their faults.  But if you can laugh at yourself, then it will possibly help be more open about her misfortunate situations and laugh at herself as well.

Lastly, no matter what, DON’T GIVE UP!!!  Most guys won’t tell you about the times they approach a woman and get blown off.  Trust me, it happens every single day!  The worst thing to do is take offense and get down on yourself.  Sometimes, things don’t work out for a reason.  You have to accept rejection and learn from these encounters.  Every one of these is an opportunity to learn how to do it differently.  Just remember that when you approach your next lady, be confident in yourself, your approach, and make that girl laugh!!  NOW GET OUT THERE AND MAKE SLICK RICK PROUD, YA HEAR!?!

QUESTION:  My guy best friend from high school and I just recently started dating.  The problem is that we’re 1500 miles apart.  How can we make this work?  Can this even work? 

SLICK RICK:

Interesting, very interesting.  I  never started off a relationship being 1500 miles apart, so I’m not going to pretend to know how this is.   Starting off like this is difficult to analyze ,because I don’t know the full extent of your ‘best friend’ history.  Did you two ever have more than ‘best friend’ feelings in high school?  Typically with this situation, (at one time or another in high school), one or both of you had possibly thought about the other in more than a friends kind of way.  Either way whether you had this happen or not, it’s totally okay.

I’m not saying it can’t work, but it is pretty difficult.  To make it work, you would have to ultimately TRUST each other 100% to be committed and faithful.  You would also have to figure out each other’s schedules and plan accordingly for time to talk on the phone or via skype.  The more face time you have, the better.  I’m going to be straight up with you though.  I would talk with your new man about it all to decide if you could actually deal with this.  If you were like 200-300 miles away, it would be managable.  But 1500 miles is like from Florida to Texas. 

If  really are good friends, it would be worth waiting until the two of you were closer together to try dating.  I just think if you try it now, it’s not going to work.  Then you would ultimately end up losing a boyfriend, as well as one of your best friends.

Men in Relationships: Points to Consider

Women, more time than not, want a real relationship, which takes a real man. But how do you find that guy? Read on as Aubrey gives us tips.

What to Consider in Men and Relationships:

Over the past 5 years, I have been on numerous dates, had several boyfriends, and have even been in a serious long term relationship. In all my experiences, I have never met a man whose personality, values, and beliefs make me want to start or even stay in a relationship with him. Since I am a very analytical person, I tend to analyze everything, including men. I wonder, at times, if I am being too harsh or just need to give the guy a chance. However, I have been burned too many times to just settle for anything less than I deserve. I believe any woman, including myself, deserves a man that they can love for who he is and what he stands for.

How do you get what you want in a relationship?

1. Non-Negotiables. Figure out what you want from that perfect man and relationship, then make a list of non-negotiable qualities. When you have a list, it will be easier to stick too. It’s especially important especially when you are blinded by love and lust. It’s not wise to begin a relationship if you don’t know what you want, which is why this is a very important step. And don’t let love blind you. If there is a non-negotiable that he does not meet, it is wise to end the relationship.

2. Warning Signs. Warning signs could possibly be a sign of what’s to come if you do not take them seriously. Look for warning signs from the beginning. Examples of some warning signs could be: he has a controlling attitude, has anger issues (i.e. fights at bars or has been in jail for this type of behavior), is disrespectful to you or women in general, or no compassion or empathy toward others.

3. Important Cons. Determine what a true con is before you start dating. A con could be that he is a messy person, but not that he wears glasses. Always remember when deciding cons, that no one is perfect. It’s also important to remember there are more important than physical attributes. Physical attributes are important but if there no attraction, physical attributes should not be what makes or breaks a relationship.

4. Love and Attraction. A guy may meet all your non-negotiables. But they still may not be the person for you, attraction and love still have to be there. You could find a person who has what you want, but without attraction, the relationship will not work.

5. Falling in love. Don’t be afraid of falling in love. The only way of truly knowing someone is to completely commit to getting to know them. Having fear of falling in love in a relationship can keep you from really finding that perfect one for you. When you let go, and the guy does likewise, great things can happen.

Before getting into a relationship, you need to be prepared in a few ways. You need to know what you’re looking for and what you won’t stand for. Ranking your cons can help you realize which negatives you can live with. These lists are helpful. But it’s always important to consider love and attraction. These are very important sparks to be there for anything to begin or continue. Lastly, don’t be afraid to fall, when you let yourself go, you can open yourself up to the possibility of that perfect man and relationship.

Baby Daddy or Husband

Most couples like to enjoy themselves every now and then with physical intimacy.  It is the highest expression of your desire for another person.  But what happens when the unplanned happens and you have to face the consequences after?  Read on.

QUESTION:

I’ve been dating this guy for 4 months and I feel really strongly about him, more than any other guy before him.  He’s a real gentleman, always makes me feel safe, and truly cares for me.  He does things for me that I never imagined in a dateable guy.  He encourages me, inspires me, and is always humbly leading us, taking care of everything.  We’ve had a wonderful time dating this entire time and started being intimate last month.  Well, now we’re dealing with an unplanned pregnancy.  I already have a 3 yr old from another baby daddy, and I am embarassed as hell that I will have another baby daddy.  I truly care for him and I think he’s planning to propose next month during Christmas vacation when I visit my parents.  It’s just my gut feel.  I thought I could marry him, but then I’m scared of a ton of marriage issues.  What if he cheats on me?  Will we be financially okay?  How will he treat my 3 yr old?  How will my 3 yr old react?  He’s in the Army, so what happens when he deploys?  Will he agree with my ways of parenting?  Will I be able to run a domestic household?  I really love and care for him, but I’m scared to take that jump to marriage.  The baby daddy of my last child was horrible and did nothing for us, I was left to be mother, provider, working mom, and dad all in one.  He tells me ,he will ‘do right by me’ ,and be my side, but how do I know for sure.  Part of me just doesn’t want to get married because I’m so scared.  But, I know he’s husband material.  I’m not sure whether I want him as a baby daddy or a husband?  How do I know?  Is this natural to be this scared?  If I’m so afraid of the consequences, should I have be physically intimate with him?  What’s the best thing to do?

SLICK RICK:

To start this off, all I can say is WOW!!!  For once in my life, I have encountered an issue that required me to put a hand over my mouth, shake my head, take a deep breath and say holy crap!  Not to worry though, Slick Rick at your service.

There is a lot of emotions and scenarios involved in your situation. It has only been four months since you and your boyfriend have been together, so while it may “seem like you have known each other forever”, it is still a short amount of time. I do have some questions for you though. First, does he know about your 3 year old and the whole “other baby daddy” situation? I know it can be difficult introducing your child to a new man, especially if it doesn’t seem to be working out with him (although from the way it sounds you two are working out wonderfully). Having to continuously introduce a child to different men can become confusing and create unstability within the household; so if you haven’t introduced the two, then I completely understand your logic behind it. Second, does your boyfriend know that you are pregnant yet?  If he does, then at least he is briefed on the fact that he is about to become a father and it won’t be a total shock.  If he does not know, it would be in your best interest to inform him IMMEDIATELY.  As a man, we don’t like for bombs to be dropped in our laps at the last minute. The sooner he knows your are pregnant, the better for both of you and for numerous issues such as stress, anxiety, fear, etc…Third, why does your gut tell you he is going to propose? Has marriage even come up in discussions? I’m not knocking your ‘gut feelings’ because I get those too.  I’m just trying to understand your logic and where that idea is coming from. Four, have you met his parents, particularly his father? Not all the time, but a fair amount of the time you can gather an idea about how your guy is going to be as a husband/father based on his parents and how he is raised. Remember, this is not with EVERYONE.  Also, I hear this quite often from many women I come in contact with, (especially my girlfriend) that they only see themselves marrying someone that reminds them of THEIR OWN father. Now I’m not sure how your father is, but if he is a great man, then perhaps you could use him as a guide to judging your own man. Five, what is your living situation? Do you live together? Do you have a job as well? Do you guys both help each other pay the bills or is it ‘every man/woman for themselves’?

I know these questions may seemall over the map and random, but they each have significance in your situation. You said that he is a great guy, always encouraging you, taking care of everything, etc.  It sounds like he is a heck of a guy right off the bat.  Being in the military also helps weed out the “asshole” portion of him a lot, because the military tries to grooms assholes into intelligent, hard-working men (although that’s not always the case). It doesn’t work for all, but for many, it seems to do the trick. You also have to keep in mind, it is a good idea to remember that your last “baby daddy” was too immature to be a father, but you can’t judge your current man based on another man’s mistakes. You are with this guy for a reason, so be sure not to punish him based off of a former relationship.

Okay, I think questions 1 and 2 are pretty self explanatory as to why you should discuss these with your boyfriend. If you feel comfortable around him and that he is an earnest, hard-working, compassionate guy.  And he also treats you with the utmost dignity and respect, you should do the same for him and enlighten him about your 3 year old. If you are pregnant with his baby now, you should DEFINITELY tell him about that as well.

On to question 3, your gut tells you he is going to propose.  Let’s take it easy here.  You never want to assume anything, especially when your man is going to propose.  If you have been discussing it, then that’s one thing to get excited about it.  If it hasn’t come up in conversation at all, it is best to probably leave it be. It is best to conquer the mountain one situation at a time.  And the current situation is your unplanned pregnancy. Now remember, this is only my advice (if any others reading this have advice here feel free to jump in).  But once you break the news to him about being pregnant, that’s when you begin to ask about how it is going to work out.  You definitely don’t want to just assume that he is going to propose.  Because if he doesn’t, then you are setting yourself up for a HUGE let-down.

For most responsible men, once you tell them that you are pregnant, a sense of manhood and ownership takes control over us.  It triggers our brains to get ready to become the provider that we are meant to be. It may take him a few days or even a week to get his brain together.  But be there with him, as he will be there for you, and talk to him about everything you are thinking as far as theabout your future together. If you are worried about the money and all that keep this in mind, the military always looks out for family!  They will help with medical for you and the baby, housing, etc.  Also, if you do decide to work together on this and the military does help you guys out.  They will also do this in the event he gets deployed, as long as you are living together and have proof that he is the father (paternity test). My advice for living together is to discuss moving in to basic housing, which is provided by the military, to make your living arrangements easier for the both of you.

With question four, it’s only my interpretation and not always true. Typically when you see your significant other’s family, you get a good feel for how he is raised and what values/morals he has. Word of caution though, we all do not turn out as our parents do. Everyone is their own person, so you have to just feel him out and see how he is.  If he is as caring and compassionate as you say, then it doesn’t sound like he is going to go rogue and change based on your unplanned pregnancy.  You said that he is always around and encouraging you.  To me it doesn’t sound like he is going to ‘up and cheat’ on you just because you are pregnant.

As for question five, the reason I asked all this info is because if you are already living together, then both of you splitting the bills should be a natural thing.  When I moved in with my girlfriend (after a month of dating) we immediately sat down together as we began discussing what the bills were (rent, electric, water, etc). We divided them up and both contributed.  She currently makes more money than I do, but with all my checks, I contribute as much as I can and we work it out together.  Obviously if you do not live together, this could be problematic. My suggestion is after you inform him you are pregnant, it would be wise to give him a few days to let everything sink in.  After he has time to get a grasp on being a father, I would sit down with him and present the idea of living together, especially if you have plans of wanting to marry him.  There is no better way of telling if things are going to work out with another individual than living together.  By doing this, you find out everything you need to about a person: likes/dislikes, cleanliness, how well you are in each other’s space, etc.

As far as your parenting skills, all I can say is that you already have your own ways with your 3 year old.  You won’t know how he acts as a parent until you introduce him to your current child.  Basically, tread lightly with this. What I mean is to explain to him your methods and ask if he has any suggestions. Your child is already acclimated to your ways and might rebel against him, if he isn’t consistent with your forms of discipline. Talk to him about what you do with your child and give it a trial run.  The worst thing is not to give him a chance to show that he can take care of business in that department. If it doesn’t work out with him being a disciplinarian, then I suggest you handle your 3 year old and start fresh with the new baby.

Being scared is a natural part of all of this stuff. I mean I’m sitting here writing this and thinking to myself, this poor girl must be petrified. Just remember, take it one day at a time.  Be open, honest, and give him a fair shot to be the man he claims he is. Don’t judge him based off of your previous ‘baby daddy’ because he will grow distant from you.  It will create resentment if he is consistently compared to a former man. Be just as supportive of him as he is of you.  Keep this in mind as well: he is probably just as scared as you are, if not more (as men we will never admit this to our woman).  I hope this helps you with your ‘baby daddy’ issue :)Congratulations on your pregnancy (even if it was unplanned) and good luck!!

*Slick Rick now needs a vacation haha*

Posted using Tinydesk Writer iPhone app

Top 5 Dating Texts of the Week (Part XII)

It’s that time again…for the top 5 dating texts of the week.  We try not to disappoint, and when some crazy things are going on, it makes it easier for us to meet that goal.  It’s always raw, crazy, and definitely of the unexpected.  So, here it goes:

Text #1  Midgets and Little Muscle Men

Text, top 5

Text #1 Midgets and Little Muscle Men

 

 Text #2:  Clothes are optional

 

 

Texts, text, top 5,

Text #2: Clothes are optional

 

Text #3:  Sexual Olympics

Text, texts, text messaging,

Text #3: Sexual Olympics

 

 Text #4:  Doomed

Texts, text, dating, top 5

Text #4: Doomed

 

Text #5:  Grown men on air mattresses

Text, texts, top 5, week, dating

Text #5: Grown men on air mattresses

 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted using Tinydesk Writer iPhone app

Random Q & A (Part X)

QUESTION: The guy I’m dating wants to know what my ‘number’ is. It’s a lot higher than his. Should I tell him or not? He told me he’s going to assume my ‘number’ is worse since I’m not telling him.

SLICK RICK:

When it comes to the ‘number’ game, it can be a difficult process to discuss with your significant other. I actually had the same situation with my girlfriend when we began dating. Her number was significantly lower than mine because she had different morals/values than I did. She also intended on waiting until marriage. I had a different lifestyle in college before I met her and lived my life accordingly. When we came across this subject, it was a bit awkward to discuss. We both knew the type of lifestyle I used to lead, but she had no idea my number fairly high. That said, the best thing you can do is be honest with your partner. Everyone had their own lifestyles before meeting their significant other and should not be punished for what happened before you met.

There is a reason you may have engaged in sex with the other men. But at the same time, there is also a reason you are not dating them. Former boyfriends/girlfriends and one-night stands do happen. And it is not something anyone can take back. Yet if the guy you are dating truly cares about you, your ‘number’ shouldn’t cause him to turn away from you. By explaining things to him, hopefully it will make him trust you for being able to talk about such a difficult topic. And it will also help strengthen your relationship. When I did, my girlfriend respected that I could come clean, even though my ‘number’ was significantly higher than her. And I’m proud to say we are currently going on 3 years of being together.

QUESTION: There is a guy who is friends with my best friend and he lives an hour away. I can’t tell what he wants to do or if I’m just a fwb? He calls me a couple of times a month to see me and we have sex every time we see each other which makes it feel like we’re fwb. We’re not officially dating or anything, so we’re free to date other people.

SLICK RICK:

You have to ask yourself a few questions. First, are you actively searching for a boyfriend or just playing the field? Second, are you developing feelings for this guy beyond sex? Third, what happens after you guys have sex? Do you continue to hang out in social settings such as going to the movies? Fourth, do you want to date him exclusively? Once you answer these questions, it will be easier to approach this situation.

If you are actively searching for a boyfriend, but you are continuously having sex with him when he visits, naturally you will develop relationship-type feelings. If you do hang out in social settings, then it’s no wonder why you have these feelings. If you answered yes to 2nd and 4th questions, then I suggest talking to him about your feelings. The worst thing you can do is to let things sit in your mind, letting it become jumbled and twisted.

Overthinking usually leads to disaster in relationships or before a relationship. You should speak what’s on your mind and heart. Then you can see where he is at. He might possibly be having the same type of feelings, but doesn’t want to rock the boat by asking you. It sounds stupid, but when it comes to stuff like this, some guys are really nervous. They are honestly just happy being in the situation they are in not wanting anything to happen asking the question, ‘what are we?’. If you feel this way and wish to pursue it as a relationship, just let him know how you feel. If he is on the same page, it should work out beautifully. If not, then you have to determine if fwb is the right thing for you and adjust accordingly.

QUESTION: I always meet assholes whenever I go to the bars/clubbing and end up dating them. I’m tired of it, how do I meet better guys? A good guy would be great, but those don’t seem to exist as often as the assholes.

SLICK RICK:

I’ll be the first to tell you that assholes are EVERYWHERE! As a guy, I consistently see them with some amazing women. It makes me wonder how the heck they do it. Well I have an answer for that. The reason assholes continue to get great women is because great women continue to fall for asshole moves. We all know what they are and how they act. Most of the time, they all look the same. If you want to find a real man and not just any guy, meet them outside of the bar/clubs. Here’s how it usually breaks down by the numbers for guys at the bar/club: 70% are assholes, 15% happily married (their wife is with them), 10% have girlfriends and are committed, and 5% are single and are good guys.

When any of my friends tell me, ‘Oh we met at a bar’, I think to myself, ‘another one bites the dust’. I know it’s hard to hear. But meeting people in a bar and having it work out is like hitting the lottery. It is VERY rare. Most people at the bar usually have two things on their mind, 1) how fast can I get drunk and 2) who is my target to hook up with? My advice to you is try your best to just go to the bar with friends to simply have a good time. Don’t focus on trying to meet guys there with the notion of starting a relationship. I understand you have no control of where you meet someone, but a bar is usually a difficult spot to find a great guy. Try doing activities that you enjoy like such as sports/social clubs/gym. The chances of you meeting a great guy at these places and having it turn into a healthy relationship is vastly higher than if you try it in a bar.

Random Q & A (Part IX)

QUESTION

I am really into this guy I’ve been dating and we’ve been holding out so we can just take it slow. Now we’re talking about making the plunge. I’ve never waited this long for a guy I’ve been dating, will it totally change everything or screw it up.

ARIANA

You’re absolutely right, sex is definitely a part of life. It’s also an important component in relationships, not the most important component, but still important. I think putting too much emphasis on sex also demonstrates maturity. Only through experience, growth, discipline, and maturity can you honestly appreciate the importance of finding the right person. Which is totally different than experiencing it from a selfish standpoint and only being concerned on fulfilling a basic need. Everyone’s different though. How it changes will depend on how strong your intimate bond is and how true your feelings are for each other.

SLICK RICK

The important thing is the fact that you have BOTH been talking about holding off on ‘taking the plunge’. It Lol. Yes. A stretch. Laying on ur back with legs spread is a stretch. I’ll add that to my stretch down workout. U can do whatever u want to me, the pleasure is worth the temporary pain. This is a big step that both of you have been taking together. Doing this makes sure you have a strong relationship that isn’t solely based on sex. While sex is natural and important in relationships, it is not the most important physical aspect. You must be sure you and your partner are at a stable point in your relationship. So that you’re able to take the next step, without it causing any issues. Everyone’s relationship is different, so it is difficult to say whether it will cause repercussions, if you do engage in sex. The safest way to guarantee that you are ready is to discuss sex with your partner. Be sure you are both ready before taking the plunge. If only one of you is truly ready, it may create instability in the relationship.
QUESTION

The girl I’ve been dating and I have been messing around the last several weeks. We never went all the way because she told me she wanted to wait on that, so I waited. But last night, we were very intimate and I was getting mixed signals for her. So, I decided to go for it. The next morning, she stormed out of my apartment and told me ‘you should find another girl for sex’, as she stormed out. I feel really bad and she won’t respond to my texts or calls. I apologized but just ignored me.

ARIANA
It’s a good thing you apologized, but if she can’t accept your sincerity, then she lost out on a great guy who really cares for her. You’re human, people make mistakes, especially guys in moments of weakness. If she can’t accept that, she’s got a lot to learn that you can’t teach her by yourself. Give her a few days to calm down and have a conversation with her. She probably may have overreacted, so you should talk things over.

SLICK RICK

Honestly, that is a tough decision you decided to make in the heat of the moment. I can’t say I blame you because it is difficult to interpret signals in the heat of the moment. It sounds like your heart and mind are in the right frame of mind and she isn’t just a ‘booty call’. My question to you is, ‘how much did you two discuss waiting before engaging in sex’? I know when some women say ‘I want to wait’, they mean they want to wait a little while. They want to get to know you and feel out the relationship before just getting down to ‘business’. While still others mean ‘I truly am waiting for marriage’. I know it may be hard to believe, but there really are some women who are still are very traditional. These women truly want to be married before having sex. I have no idea whether your lady friend is that type of woman or not. But, if she is, she might think you didn’t respect her enough to wait. From what it sounds like, you seem to be a decent, respectable guy and she simply overreacted. My best advice is to give her a day of space to cool off and then give her a call to explain your side to her. Make sure you also give her a chance to express her side as well. If she wants to ‘wait’ for marriage, you have to decide if that’s what you want. If it is what you want, express that to her and see how she feels. If she continues to give you grief, get upset about it, won’t take your calls, it might be time to explore other options unfortunately.

QUESTION
I’m so sick of seeing my ex-boyfriend get everything he wants. He is a charmer and is very good looking so he always finds a way to get what he wants. He’s dumb as a doornail, but happens to attract nice, good looking women, like me. Women that he can’t take care of or appreciate. And I’m sick of watching it. I’ve had so many hardships the last 10 years and his life is so easy. Why do people get off so easy and spoiled?

ARIANA

You can’t only blame the spoiled person for getting what they want. You also have to blame the people giving the spoiled person what they want. That’s just not being realistic and honest with yourself by blaming them. If I was hurt by someone I can’t only blame them if I continue to let them hurt me. People have a tendency to take the easy way out and place the blame on someone else but people only do what you allow them to. If you don’t like it, don’t put up with it, and don’t give them what they don’t deserve.

SLICK RICK
Unfortunately, the way of the world is easier for some than others. Some people have all the luck, whether it be in the dating world, job searches, etc. It may be a hard pill to swallow, but you have to try your best to ignore those types of individuals. And instead surround yourself with people that share the same interests as you. If you spend your time dwelling that your ex ‘has it so easy’, you will always be stooping to his level. And you will never be able to rise above him and his ways. I’m not sure if he broke up with you in the relationship or vice versa, but think of it this way — ‘if you broke it off with him, you already have risen above his standards. That makes you smarter than those that he is currently duping right now. If he broke up with you, it is better that you are not with him, especially since he doesn’t know how to handle you anyway.

Posted using Tinydesk Writer iPhone app

%d bloggers like this: