Imploding firework

Q: I have been with this guy for 5 years now and would do anything for him. I’ve even taken him back after he cheated twice. But now that I’ve told him I’ve had enough of his neglect and lack of love that I’m leaving him to move back to California where my family is, he has berated me frequently. This has been going on for the last year. I keep putting off the move because I think I won’t find anyone like him. I used to be a confident young lady, I was Miss California, graduated with high honors from a prestigious university and came from a good, healthy, strong family. But now, I live seeking approval from my boyfriend, waiting for a compliment, affection, or choose to spend time with me over his friends (he hangs out with them every other day). Instead of getting told I’m pretty when I dress up, he asks me why my hair looks like that, or why am I wearing that outfit, or just calls me a tomboy. He constantly criticizes my food when I cook, knowing full well I’m new to cooking all the time. The other day we stayed on the phone for 20 minutes where I didn’t say one word and he insulted my work decisions, my decisions to want to move, called me selfish, told me I was a bad person, and emphasized how his cousins that he had just met for the first time on a trip he took recently were better people than I was. He told me it was all my fault for the fallout of my friendship with one of our friends. He’s also told me it’s my fault the relationship isn’t working, that I’m always stubborn, and that nobody can talk to me. And whenever he insults me, he always tells me it’s just ‘feedback’. I haven’t heard a compliment in a long time and when I look in the mirror, I don’t see the beautiful, smart young woman I used to be. I see someone lacking in every physical aspect. I want his love and approval, but recently a good friend of mine told me I can’t change my boyfriend and that I shouldn’t let him take away my power by his insults and criticism. He tears me down and doesn’t build me up. Am I that horrible of a person?

A: Honey, you and ANY other human being deserve better than that. You put yourself vulnerable in the hands of someone you love and he has stomped on that. NO ONE deserves to be berated or put down, it is NOT healthy, regardless of how he spins it. ‘It’s just feedback’. No, it’s not, feedback doesn’t try to destroy your ego and tear you apart time after time. Everyone, man or woman, deserves to hear the great things about themselves, and at a frequency MORE OFTEN than criticism, which in your case is actually verbal abuse. Most people don’t know how to recognize verbal abuse or understand its effects. It’s when the person committing the verbal abuse has such low self-esteem that they choose to insult you to the point where they break you down to feel as low as they do. I have seen many strong, confident women broken down because of it. Although there are no physical signs of abuse with verbal abuse, it takes its mental toll on its victims. It damages them emotionally and behaviorally causing possible lifelong scars and pain. I encourage you to seek therapy and walk away from this relationship, no one is worth losing your self-worth for, no matter how long you’ve been with them. Most likely, this behavior will continue and your self-worth will spiral down with it. This article mentions some resources you can go to: http://www.ehow.com/how-does_4910363_effects-verbal-abuse.html I wish you the best and hope for the best uphill climb back to building back up your self-esteem and confidence. It’s not easy, but you can do it. We are all capable of rising above our bad circumstances. Take back control and know inside you are that same strong, smart woman, she’s just been buried by an avalanche of hurt. You DESERVE the best, you really do.

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One Response to Imploding firework

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