Holding it together

Q: My ex and I have a 3 yr old and his dad decided to move back to his hometown to be with his family. A few months ago, he was awarded full custody and the ability to move anywhere in the US. So 2 months ago, he told me he was moving and taking our daughter back with him. I was floored, I always knew there was a possibility, but I never thought he would go through with it. He told me he was tired of me not being there for our daughter and was sick of watching me go out and party every night. He said I couldn’t be depended on and lots of times would have to end up taking our daughter to school because I was too drunk to wake up. I loved our daughter and I didn’t want her to move. I didn’t want to be with her father, but that was pretty much the only way he was going to say. Part of me did want to be with him to keep our family together, but I knew I didn’t want to settle down and our relationship wasn’t the way I wanted it to be. We’d been still messing around here and there, even though he officially broke it off last year when he found out I was cheating on him. I guess it some ways it was my fault that I was unhappy and justified going after another guy. He’s a reasonable guy, if I had just been straight with him without lying and cheating, he would’ve been more likely to stay even though we wouldn’t be together. We did have an amazing connection though, but couldn’t seem to get the practical things down. Our daughter was our love child and after we had her, nothing was going right. I want to be in my daughter’s life, but I don’t want to be with him. What should I do? Should I convince him to move back? Should I get back with him to be involved in my daughter’s life?

A: It never ceases to amaze me that people have to have something taken away from them before they realize what they had. This is a testament to why we should treasure what we have, we never know when it will be gone. I never condone cheating and you put a big wedge in your relationship. Then you put having fun and partying above your priorities as a parent. Although you are a single parent, you’re not a total single person. You sound as though you got carried away with just the single part, leaving the parent part out. I am not surprised he moved back to his family, at least he knows he can depend on them. And if he does, he can also have the opportunity to have some fun like you do. He’s entitled to it as well, doesn’t sound like he’ll abuse it though. You really are at the mercy of him to gain rights to your daughter. You can try the route to convince him, but don’t expect it to work. He’s at a place where he has a lot of support, if he left, he most likely doesn’t feel there’s enough reason to be where you are. Plus, he’s not with you, there’s not much left there to keep him. What you need to do more than anything is get your act together and get your priorities straight. Until you can figure something out, set up a schedule of when you can visit your daughter, since it sounds like that’s the priority here. I would say NOT to get back with him just for your daughter. Although I’m an advocate of families staying together, I only encourage it when the parents WANT to work things out between the 2 of them, kids can sense when that’s not there. It really doesn’t sound like you want to be with him and the fact that you were cheating sets off flags that you probably weren’t in it for him. Plus, you can cause a bigger rift should things fail. It’s already a bad situation, no need to make it worse. I say your best bet is to move there, yeah it’s not where you want to be. But we all have to make sacrifices for our children. What’s most important? Staying where you’re at or being there for your daughter to watch her grow up, learn to read, play sports or ballet, become a teenager, etc. You’ll miss the days of teaching her how to dress or do her make-up. But you’ve got to decide your daughter is worth it and from there, do whatever it is you need to do. Should things work out with your ex, great, but don’t move there with the expectation that you’ll get back together. Your priority now is your child and should you move there, you need to know the same behavior where you are partying a lot is going to have to be curbed down there too. Just because you guys may fail at the relationship part, doesn’t mean your parenting relationship has to suffer. I’ve seen plenty of single parents that have the communication down when it comes to their child. You have a lot of sacrifices to make, but you have to decide it’s worth it.

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7 Responses to Holding it together

  1. Hello , I can not understand your point your trying to put across. You sound like you have never been in love. Have you? A) no you have not. You think belittling people is fun. You said the storys were experence you and friend and family had.You sound like your just out for sex. Wow that is not right! Love is so much more the sex. Sex is what you call Love.Wow you and your frends are messed up. Pop Tarts wow your answer just sounded Like you did not give her sex. You did her wrong thing. There is no compassion in your words. You must understand love to speak it. I am married and would not change it for the world. I love my wife as well she loves me too. You think love is a game you must play to win. I do not believe that. the game you play will catch up with you one day. You may think it is funny now. When it catches up with you it will not be so great. I wish you the best.

    • Lucky for you that you’re married, but for the rest of us, we’re not that lucky. It’s difficult and an up and down battle, sometimes it’ll make you pull your hair out. But, you know what, if we don’t laugh at it and find humor in the difficult (just as anything in life), we won’t make it through the junk to find our treasure. I don’t appreciate the judgement of you calling us ‘messed up’. Just because you’re married gives you no right to judge and call us names for the single dating experience we go through. And I beg to differ thatn I don’t know love, I do know it, I know it because I reject anything that doesn’t look it that crosses my path. One doesn’t have to be married to understand love. And no, the person this particular post ‘Holding it together’ is about is not out to get sex, which is exactly the reason why he didn’t for it even when the opportunity was there. And, by your frequent mention of love and marriage, I can see that you most likely don’t understand our life as single people. Just like your married lifestyle, our single lifestyle is the one we live. We make the most of what we find, you may find these stories ridiculous and unbelievable, but they’re real. Not everything is roses and peaches for us single people. That is our life and I will take that any day over marrying the wrong person just for the sake of marrying.

      • You need to find a dictionary. That may help you find the meaning of love. You don’t hurt people in your search for love. I know that. I have read all your posts. Pop Tart is the one that states. You did not have sex with me. Here is a Pop Tart. The girl that did that only wanted SEX. And with the way you discribe her actions. That is all she wanted. That is using people for the act of only SEX. Tell me that is not what I read. She was all over him dancing. That puts a signal in my mind she wants SEX. Tell me I am Wrong! To broadcast that over Facebook and the internet. Shows she is a easy girl to have SEX with. She is going to get all kinds of hits from guys only wanting to use her. Now I do not know who she is to you.A Friend,You or Family Maybe Sister.That Is not good to do. make that person seem easy. If I had no wife. Hell yes I would love to sleep with her she is Easy. Now I don’t understand how you call that love.

      • I never said it was love. This is dating. Dating doesn’t always equal love. For some, it’s about sex, plain and simple. And exactly to my point, you said you would have sex with her should you be single. Which goes back to my point that dating can be about sex. And why do you assume it’s the girl in the story who was my friend. There are no names attached to this, so I’m not blasting anyone on the Internet. You need to chill out and stop judging people. If the girl wanted sex, then that’s her thing and her life. I, nor anyone else has anything to do with that, so let a person live their life. I’m sure there’s plenty of people who don’t agree with how you are in your marriage, but guess what, it’s NOT their marriage, so who gives a flip. People will wise up when they want and choose to, but to insult them as you have done is unfair to them. Nobody should be judged, period. And while I’m out looking for my dictionary, I’ll give it to you and you can read the definition of dating to me.

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    • Thank you for the feedback! I’m glad you like the ‘Holding it Together’ post. We’re still waiting to see what the girl decides in this post, our guess is she won’t make the move, but we’re hoping she gets his priorities straight and will remain active in her child’s life. We can only hope! And thanks for labeling us as a ‘must read’. Please pass on the word. And yes, the blog is definitely commitment, but it’s great fun and our passion to write and talk about dating, so it makes it an enjoyable experience!!

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