Stuck in Friend Zone


Q:  I have a girl friend that I’ve been hanging out with for a while now.  We are good friends, but I really like her.  She broke up with her ex 6 months ago, so I started trying to make my move and upped my efforts.  I started asking her to dinner just she and I.  I would get her little presents for no reason or write sweet things on her FB wall.  She seemed to respond pretty well to everything.  She always said yes and was happy whenever I would do the small things for her.  I know she didn’t really get that from her ex, so I made conscious effort to do those things.  She had made several comments about it, so I wanted to stand out.  I didn’t push to rush her into anything physical.  I really liked her, so I wanted to take things slow.  It got to the point where we’d start to cuddle while watching movies and she started being more touchy with me.  Then out of nowhere she tells me that she and her ex are getting back together.  I was taken aback and surprised.  She didn’t tell me or clue me into anything of the sort.  She still calls me and acts the same, but I’m not sure what to do.  I’ve met her boyfriend/ex/whatever and he’s a good guy.  So, it’s not a situation where I’m angry she’s going back to a guy who mistreats her.  But, I’m not sure if I should still be friends with her.  Should I continue the friendship or just let our friendship fizz?

A:  Okay, ask yourself these questions:

1.  Can I really be totally just friends with this girl with NO expectations of more?
2.  Can I be friends without getting in the way of her relationship or trying to sabotage it?
3.  Can I live without her friendship?
4.  Does she have friends she could eventually introduce me to?  (Yes, I know, sounds shady, but just like business, dating is about networking and getting your name and face out there.  Only difference is that your product is yourself).
5.  Is it worth the effort to stay friends with her?
6.  Am I okay with the fact that now that she’s in a relationship I’ll have less contact with her?
7 . Can I really play the friend role to her and possibly listen to her guy problems without getting jealous and stay unbiased without bashing her boyfriend?
8.  What is my motivation for wanting to be friends?

Only you know these answers and what your friendship with her means and what you can handle.

My personal opinion for me, is that I would not remain friends with the guy on an active basis.  I wouldn’t cancel the friendship, but I would never want their significant other to feel uncomfortable and question my friendship with the guy or my intentions.  I wouldn’t want someone to do that to me, so I wouldn’t do it to someone else.  The optimal situation, I think, and one of the best friendships that I’ve ever had is to be friends with BOTH parties.  This is a really nonconventional way to go about it and most people can’t handle it.  But if you’re open-minded, honest, and have good intentions, you’ll find that not only will you have a kick ass girl friend who most likely has a kick ass boyfriend, (well if he’s an asshole, that’s a different story, but in this case you said he’s cool) you’ll have a kick ass guy friend too.  Otherwise, if that’s not you, then move on, there’s plenty of girl friends you can have without the uncomfortableness of the girl friend having a boyfriend.  And, hold tight, if you know you’re made to marry, there’s a girl out there.  Just keep living, looking, and have thick skin, there’s a lot of 3 eyed fish you have to sift through in the sea!  😉;-)

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