Dating Ms. Gossip

Q:  I swear I am dating the queen of gossip.  I’ve been with my girlfriend for 2 years and she tells her girl friends and family everything when we have an argument or disagreement.  She tells me it’s because I don’t listen to her and she needs someone to talk to.  I mean it fuels me when she does that.  Although she’s the kind of person who doesn’t care what people think, I’m the opposite.  I prefer to keep my life private.  I don’t even share with my good guy friends about our problems, just because I don’t feel they need to know and it’s also none of their business.  She’s even gone to my friends to talk about her problems.  She says it’s because they know me, so she thinks they’ll give her more helpful advice because they’d be looking out for the best for both of us.  I know that most of the time when we do get into arguments, we rarely ever resolve things.  We end up just cutting each other off and never ever resolving the issue.  How we’ve made it to 2 years is beyond me.  I know we’re past that romantic honeymoon stage and I love the girl.  I just don’t know how to get things working right between us.  I mean we know how to enjoy each other’s company and the physical aspect is beyond amazing.  But I know that’s not enough to decide if this girl’s worth marrying.  I seriously can’t see myself with her if this doesn’t change.  We’ve gotten in too many fights about this and I hate being seen as the bad guy in the relationship.  I’m a good guy, but I’m just as human as the next.  I’m learning how to be in a long term relationship, but I need the respect from her if we’re going to keep this going.

A:  What you need to say is ‘Woman, hold thy tongue.’  No, really don’t do that.  That was just a funny thought that crossed my mind.  And you know they do say that duct tape always fixes everything…  Don’t do either of those unless you want to get slapped or become single.  What woman doesn’t vent to her girlfriends.  That’s in bred for us.  Speak and share and repeat.  I share plenty of things with my girlfriends, but I’m strategic enough to tell the right ones where it won’t get back to my boyfriend.  What can I say, women love to talk just like men love football.  It’s the way of the world.  Have you ever thought that maybe you should spend more time talking to her about this real stuff and understand her concerns.  This is something that you two should be working out instead of out in a public forum.  Well, more like a panel of judges who’ve already labeled you as guilty.  I don’t care how nice you are, the more ammo these girl friends will use against you.  You can’t win when they hear one side constantly. And the problem with your girlfriend opening up to her friends isn’t that she’s trusting them, it’s the fact that she’s seeking advice from third parties who are totally not involved or impacted by what they say.  So, naturally, they will say whatever their opinions are. And everyone has one and it doesn’t necessarily mean what they say is valid or right.  You guys really have a problem if you can’t resolve an issue and you’ve been together for 2 years.  In the first few months and first year, yeah, that’s understandable.  But, 2 years is about the time that you should be able to solve problems together.  That is probably the bigger picture concern with this whole scenario rather than your girlfriend simply venting to the wrong people and too often.  Cutting each other off is a bad sign on both parts, relationships are supposed to be built on mutual trust and respect.  Interrupting each other sends off the message that you could care less about what the other person is thinking.  I don’t know how you guys get to that point, but that’s a good place to start.  For any relationship (not just romantic ones) people have to listen and hear out the other person’s concerns and issues.  I mean, really, if you did a similar thing in a business setting, it wouldn’t work very well either.  It’s a give and take, taking depletes the relationship.  And when both people are taking, everything is being depleted twice as much.  If you guys can get to this point and get there fast, (bad habits die hard and you’re setting a bad stage for a future relationship should you decide to stay together) then voicing your concerns about her extra ‘sharing’ will be more effective.  Write ’em down, 1) my reputation is at stake, 2) makes it hard to trust you and be honest because you give away something I trusted you with…  You can fill in the rest of the reasons.  And, you’ve also got to be able to listen buddy.  Women love to talk and talk and talk and talk and talk.  Get the point?  If you give her enough of your time to listen, she won’t need to go to girlfriend A, B, C, D, and E to vent.  And if she’s that unhappy that she can’t talk to you, then maybe it’s time for a new change.


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