Invisible Family Ties

Q: I’m currently in the Navy and stationed out of state. I’ve been here for a few years since I signed up for the Navy. My wife and I moved here from the East Coast. And what I thought was supposed to be a happy event, we got pregnant. I was ecstatic, but my next deployment had me overseas around our son’s due date. Long story short, I came back from my deployment that she had left me with a girl she met and was supposedly in love with. Along with her, she took my son. I was a miserable mess trying to get my son back and sending divorce papers back and forth. I even had to fly back a few times to take care of some of the custody issues. I was crushed, after 9 months or so, my cousin introduced me to a new girl that had just moved into town. She was in the car when my cousin and her husband came to pick me up. She was beautiful and our eyes caught each other’s. Once we got to the dinner party, she and I just started talking endlessly. She was so different from the girls on the East Coast. She had an innocence about her but she was smart and confident. It’s almost as if chose to stay angelic even into her 30’s. I was in awe. On top of that she was beautiful and humble about it. She dressed well, but she wasn’t high maintenance. I could go on and on, but anyways we exchanged numbers. We also shared pictures of our kids with each other. She was in a separation but had 2 kids around the same age as my son. We went to the club that night and when we danced, I knew I wanted to get know her. She moved so sexily, I was even more attracted. We started talking for the next few weeks and we would talk for hours. We talked so much on the phone (I lived near the naval base an hour away) that I felt like I was in high school again. She made me feel so young and so hopeful. During one of our conversations, my cousin who had introduced us called me. She told me that her husband had asked for her to intervene. Her husband’s cousin was her ex (I knew this upon first meeting her but it didn’t matter to me). She asked that I stop talking to her and not interfere with her and her husband’s cousin (her soon to be ex husband). She was my cousin and I had to respect what she asked, in some ways she was right. So, I pulled back without explaining and stopped returning her calls. I miss her a ton and miss our conversations. She was a light at the end of the tunnel of my divorce. Did I make mistake? What should I do?

A: Wow, so you’re dating you’re cousin’s husband’s cousin’s soon to be ex-wife? Did I get that right? That’s a little bit convoluted. As long as that doesn’t say cousin’s cousin, I feel a little better. Hey, you never know. Okay, so you’re dating both in the process of divorcing and have kids. Another wow, okay give me a second to get it together. Son, there’s way more factors in this than whether you should go back to talking to her. I would say follow your heart, I mean, how often do you run into someone and when you first meet, your eyes just connect and see that same look back. THAT, is rare, I will tell you that. It’s a beautiful thing and some couples have started from that point and gone forward happily ever after. But I’d say you have no less than 5 issues to think about for you and her, 1) her kids 2) your kids 3) is she gonna go back to reconcile with her ex (hey, it happens) 4) will you do the same, 5)you’re in some ways related and have ties to put family first, 6) your wounds from failed marriages are still new, and 7) do you really want to introduce yourself as her ex-husband’s cousin’s wife’s cousin? Just a joke on number 7 there. Who cares how you met? You’re not blood, that’s safe. But, it sounds like you’ll piss a lot of your cousin’s husband’s family. And well, conflict in the beginning is never good, but regardless, some people will work it out. That could be you, but I know you probably get the butterflies (I won’t tell the guys) when you talk to her. Even still, we’re not in high school, we can’t just act on impulse, there’s a need to take calculated risks. And my calculations aren’t looking good at this point. It may be time to slow the train down, not STOP the train like you did. But, hey, there’s no harm in being friends, 1) you’ll still get time to talk, 2) she’ll still be in your life, 3) you’ll get to know each other without the pressure. You’ve also got the kid issue (actually kids, plural), because should you guys make it far enough to be together, you’ll have an instant good sized family. For me, I’m not down traditional social conventions. I guess you could say I’m a little rebel. If it were me, I’d do away with the complex family ties and go where your heart is, but go slow. True love is worth more than the ill feelings of family members getting involved in something that doesn’t pertain to them. Besides, in the end, it’s your happiness or unhappiness, not theirs. Slow down the soul train and come down to Earth to figure out with her if your two families have a possibility of merge. Aite cuz! Take care!

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