Replay

QUESTION: Last night at the club, I ran into the girl I had been talking to for a couple weeks. I had just stopped returning her texts a week before because I just didn’t want to get into a relationship like she wanted and rightly deserved. I met her in the club but she was one of the most loving, sincere, genuine and good hearted girls I have ever met. On top of that, she was beautiful. I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go any further. We hadn’t kissed or anything but I wanted to just stop before I hurt her. It wasn’t anything about her but I just ignored her, it was what I thought was the best thing to do to keep from hurting her. Well, I saw her initially and she just looked at me. I was surprised to see her for one, for two she looked hot and my attraction for her hadn’t faded, and for three I didn’t know what to say. She ran into me a second time and she just confronted me. I finally admitted everything and why I did what I did. I wasn’t a jerk and I wasn’t going to use her for sex, she didn’t deserve to be treated like that. I just don’t make a good boyfriend. Then she asked if we could have sex. I was shocked she would ask when I knew she was the kind of girl you keep and get in a relationship with. We walked out together when the club closed and I stood around while a few guys came up to her hugging on her, getting her number and kissing her on the lips. After the guys were gone she walked up to me, I don’t think she realized I saw it all. I offered to take her and her sister to their car. When I dropped her off, I just started singing this R & B song to her, pulling my cheek next to her, bringing my lips close to her, biting her ear. Yeah, I teased her. And then she looked at me waiting for me to ask her to come over to my place. I couldn’t do it and I didn’t say anything. Then she turned and got out of the car. I met up with my friends and couldn’t stop thinking about her. So I messaged her while my boys and I were eating and asked if she got home okay. Then I told her I wished she was with me. She didn’t believe me like she used to and then she asked why. I told her it was a secret. I couldn’t tell her that I wanted her too. I hadn’t felt such an attraction to a girl since my ex 4 years ago but I know I can’t deliver. But she’s been on my mind all day today. I’m not sure what to do. What should I do? Should I take her up on her offer to be friends with benefits?

ANSWER: Funny how our bodies don’t often listen to where our hearts are. You didn’t exactly say why you’d be a good boyfriend? I mean, it has been 4 years since your last relationship so you obviously haven’t been able to get into a relationship, but she’s also the first one in 4 years that you’ve been so strongly attracted to. That’s pretty powerful stuff. And I don’t see why you can care about her enough to not sleep with her last night but can’t give her more. I’m not sure I follow. You’re treating her with respect which is like a boyfriend, you’re strongly attracted to her and that’s like a boyfriend, and you seem to like everything about her (that was a long list there). I could understand your fear and that’s fine. But fear does get the best out of us. Why does it have to be all or nothing? How do you exactly know she wants a relationship after only talking to her for a few weeks? I don’t see why you don’t take a chance and see where it goes? You might be in for a surprise that you may care enough about the girl to consider her feelings on a daily basis as intense as you did when you cut things off. Honestly, I think it’s more of your fear to fall for her than it is to protect her. She proposed friends with benefits and you said no? You said no to her last night even though you’re attracted to her? What guy does that? Most guys I know are like that when they’re not interested or just want to be friends. You can run from your feelings, but know that you’re running from a good girl you obviously care about. What’s wrong with just spending time together and taking it day by day? Did you even ask her if she wants to get into a relationship? Just because someone is the kind of person you should be in a relationship with, doesn’t necessarily mean they want to be in a relationship at that time! You never know til you ask or try. Or you just walk away and lose a good girl. It’s your choice. She’s on your mind for a reason and it’s obviously not sex! Sometimes you gotta take a chance and go with that feeling you’ve never had in 4 years. Life doesn’t wait for us, when you have something good, sometimes you have to go for it and think about how it’ll work later. She’s obviously willing to compromise a relationship need if she’s asking for friends with benefits. But it sounds this time like it’s role reversal. You don’t want more and she’ll settle for sex. Most guys would jump on the fwb option. Don’t know what else to tell you except that she’ll be gone and gone soon if you just let it go or wait too long. A girl that can pull a few guys in one night has a pretty good bargaining position. Jump on it or say bye bye. I doubt she’ll let you come back again once this opportunity is gone or she might even be in a serious relationship or married by then. Good girls like that don’t last long being single. And you sir may be single the rest of your life if your fear keeps you on the sidelines! That’s what’s up!

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