Truth and Habits

QUESTION:

I recently moved back home after being gone for 15 yrs in Cali for school, then work. And I have met a great guy who was my cousin’s good friend. He was charming, sweet, funny, and really good looking. I wasn’t sure why he was interested in me, I was an average looking girl but he was almost model good looking. We started hanging out more and we get along really great. He hasn’t paid for any of my meals and we always go dutch. He is so sweet though, so I let it go. I mean, he does little things like make a CD of my favorite songs for Valentine’s. He’s the funnest guy I’ve ever been with and he seems like such a sweetheart. Somehow I found out that he smokes out, which I am adamantly against. But he told me, ‘I never buy it’. So, I thought he was only casually smoking out. But then when I was getting something out of his car, I found a gas mask, bong, and some other paraphenelia. I couldn’t believe he had all that. On top of all this, he told me had just moved back last year from Montana where his sons live with their mom. He never visits his sons or calls them. I don’t even think he sent either of them Christmas or birthday presents. And I know he didn’t make any plans for his sons to visit him or fly out there to visit them during Christmas break. He tells me all the time that he misses them and almost breaks down teary-eyed. He has no pictures of them on his phone or at his place. I mean, I know that his sons have nothing to do with me and it doesn’t reflect on how he feels for me, but still. I know he genuinely likes me. But, I’m not sure I’m getting the whole truth. He tells my his ex was a terrible person and I really feel for him. I think she makes it hard for him to see their kids. I’m a relationship girl looking for husband material but I’m not sure he’s it. How do I know? How should the smoking out issue factor in? And how do I know he’ll be a good father eventually?

ANSWER:

Well, first off, I think your man’s habit is a little more than a habit. And, I’ll preface by saying I’m not opposed to the habit. It just depends on the person and how it affects them as to whether it’s a problem. It’s not a total deal breaker depending on what you want. I know plenty of people who are fine with their partner doing it and it doesn’t affect them. But, what’s important to you? And I’m guessing he’s not in the military with a need for a gas mask. So, you can use your imagination as to how that can be used. And a bong? Really, not to overstate the obvious, but there’s only one other reason someone needs that. Honey, you are right to be concerned because he seems to be understating his use. That’s not the problem, the problem is his lack of honesty about it. First starting out dating and dishonesty? Not a very good sign. You should really confront him and find out why he misrepresented. And you have to decide what your position is on his use, then go from there. And with the kids issue, that is a hairy one. I always throw up a red flag if I meet a guy who doesn’t have his kids with him or is not active in their lives. I have kids too, so I know that’s just not the typical behavior of an involved parent. You should always, always know that there are 2 sides to any story, especially when it involves kids. I’d prefer to meet the ex for me to make my decision for myself. But if she’s out of state, that’s a little unrealistic. First off, I will say, a father will make time for his kids PERIOD. NO excuses! Another parent cannot stop you from having a relationship with your child should you want it, unless there are issues such as violence, etc. In that case, you may want to rethink and reconsider. But, in most cases, if a father wants to stay involved, he will fight for it. They are difficult, but there are court battles to fight for custody and visitation. I’m sure if you ask him, there’s some sort of court order in place. And in that, it should outline certain visitation rules for Christmas, holidays, birthdays, etc. There is no reason he shouldn’t be following that and taking advantage of those times. If he wanted it bad enough, he would fight to have it favorable to him. I know fathers who have clauses to keep the mother from moving or fathers who have moved to another state to be in their lives. There really is no excuse. So, yes, that is fishy. I wouldn’t take this guy seriously until you know more about his parenting situation and pot use. There’s just too many questions right now. And, if you keep feeling like you’re not getting the whole truth, trust your gut. He is who he is, so if that’s who you want, go for it. But don’t expect great things of him as a father given his track record.m I don’t care what people say, past behavior is a predictor of future behavior. People can change but people can also stay the same. Right now, thinking about kids is far reaching but for now, you just need to know who he is and if that’s someone you would consider being with. I’m throwing red flags but I’m also saying to proceed with caution, things aren’t always what they seem or how he portrays them to be!

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