Raped Overseas

QUESTION:

I am an American who is living overseas for a new experience. A guy friend came over last night and basically raped me. I know it sounds horrible and I feel horrible. I was in the police station all night here. He pushed me down on my stomach and jumped on top of me holding me down. I felt him barely touch my private area. I had all my clothes on and he pulled down my pants as I fought to free myself. I am really sore in my back and will have police take me to the hospital soon to make a report. My 3 yr old daughter is fine, she heard nothing because she was sleeping. I only slept an hour last night. This is the first time any guy has done something like this to me. While he was holding me down I was saying ‘no’ and ‘stop’. I was trying to free myself because he was not wearing a condom. I just met him recently. I told him at the beginning of the date we were not having sex, and I only wanted something friendly. I don’t normally have sex unless I am in a relationship and usually wait. He ejaculated on my butt and I pray to God none went down to me. They will do all the sexual tests tomorrow morning. He was arrested tonight, shortly after I visited the police station. Thankfully, they take sexual violence very seriously here in this country. The police said he needed to be treated worse than a wild animal. They were so helpful, giving me water, Kleenexes and tea. He has to stay in the jail overnight. He also has to get a lawyer to go to court tomorrow. I also have evidence because I have my underwear in which he got his sperm on, while he was trying to put it inside me with my underwear on. My friend who is a police officer gave me good advice about what to do here. He said this guy who committed sexual violence will be scared if he has to go to the police station and I need not be afarid. I also decided that I will not have any more male friends to my apartment. Tonight, I badly wanted a helpful, gentleman boyfriend that I could rely on. I just want one man. The guy I’ve been talking to has very supportive. I decided I will not call guys, go on dates, invite any men to my house, have sex, or kiss any man for 3 months. What else do you recommend I do?

ARIANA

I am proud of you that you stood up enough to go to the police. Only about ~18% date rapes are reported. Even if your case doesn’t go anywhere, he is in the system now. And should he attack another woman, he will be viewed more highly as a rapist. My biggest recommendation, although I don’t know how things are done in that country, is that you seek out a rape crisis center for therapy and possibly a psychiatrist. Or if they don’t have any, then search for information online or checkout RAINN. RAINN is an organization that has (straight from their mission statement on their website) hotlines’ free, confidential services; educates the public about sexual violence; and leads national efforts to prevent sexual violence, improve services to victims and ensure that rapists are brought to justice. I’m so sorry he did that to you. You in NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM deserved that. I know many rape survivors. It is a very defining moment of a survivor’s life when they are raped and usually changes who their life forever. Many victims were never the same after they are raped and that date will always be significant to rape survivors. I suggest you pick a new theme for that day. And reclaim that day, not as mourning your former self, but of celebrating the new you. Be warned, that I’ve seen survivors who are still traumatized 9 yrs later. It has a very lasting impact on your psychologically well being. He used your own body as a weapon against you to hurt you. NO ONE deserves that. It’s not the physical damage that hurts the most, it’s the psychological damage it will and has done to you. I also recommend not to lean on a man who is unemotionally stable. It is NOT healthy and he cannot give you what you need to fight this battle. If he was a long term faithful boyfriend or husband, he at least has made the commitment to be there. It is tough for men to even play that role when you’re important to them. You will have to learn to stand on your own 2 feet after this and be strong. You will have to be able to tell yourself you are strong despite all that happens after this. YOU are really the only one who can help yourself inside and in your mind to get past and through this. No man, woman, or child can fight this fight for you. If you hear anything, please know that! You are strong. Be strong for yourself. Your view on men will most likely change. I also suggest having some friend (female) staying the night the next few days as I’m sure you’re still in shock. It will take some time to recover from this. Please know we here at STD are rooting for you and hoping you find the resources to get through this trauma. It’s a long hard fight, but you can do it. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. And be patient with yourself.

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