Baby Daddy or Husband

Most couples like to enjoy themselves every now and then with physical intimacy.  It is the highest expression of your desire for another person.  But what happens when the unplanned happens and you have to face the consequences after?  Read on.

QUESTION:

I’ve been dating this guy for 4 months and I feel really strongly about him, more than any other guy before him.  He’s a real gentleman, always makes me feel safe, and truly cares for me.  He does things for me that I never imagined in a dateable guy.  He encourages me, inspires me, and is always humbly leading us, taking care of everything.  We’ve had a wonderful time dating this entire time and started being intimate last month.  Well, now we’re dealing with an unplanned pregnancy.  I already have a 3 yr old from another baby daddy, and I am embarassed as hell that I will have another baby daddy.  I truly care for him and I think he’s planning to propose next month during Christmas vacation when I visit my parents.  It’s just my gut feel.  I thought I could marry him, but then I’m scared of a ton of marriage issues.  What if he cheats on me?  Will we be financially okay?  How will he treat my 3 yr old?  How will my 3 yr old react?  He’s in the Army, so what happens when he deploys?  Will he agree with my ways of parenting?  Will I be able to run a domestic household?  I really love and care for him, but I’m scared to take that jump to marriage.  The baby daddy of my last child was horrible and did nothing for us, I was left to be mother, provider, working mom, and dad all in one.  He tells me ,he will ‘do right by me’ ,and be my side, but how do I know for sure.  Part of me just doesn’t want to get married because I’m so scared.  But, I know he’s husband material.  I’m not sure whether I want him as a baby daddy or a husband?  How do I know?  Is this natural to be this scared?  If I’m so afraid of the consequences, should I have be physically intimate with him?  What’s the best thing to do?

SLICK RICK:

To start this off, all I can say is WOW!!!  For once in my life, I have encountered an issue that required me to put a hand over my mouth, shake my head, take a deep breath and say holy crap!  Not to worry though, Slick Rick at your service.

There is a lot of emotions and scenarios involved in your situation. It has only been four months since you and your boyfriend have been together, so while it may “seem like you have known each other forever”, it is still a short amount of time. I do have some questions for you though. First, does he know about your 3 year old and the whole “other baby daddy” situation? I know it can be difficult introducing your child to a new man, especially if it doesn’t seem to be working out with him (although from the way it sounds you two are working out wonderfully). Having to continuously introduce a child to different men can become confusing and create unstability within the household; so if you haven’t introduced the two, then I completely understand your logic behind it. Second, does your boyfriend know that you are pregnant yet?  If he does, then at least he is briefed on the fact that he is about to become a father and it won’t be a total shock.  If he does not know, it would be in your best interest to inform him IMMEDIATELY.  As a man, we don’t like for bombs to be dropped in our laps at the last minute. The sooner he knows your are pregnant, the better for both of you and for numerous issues such as stress, anxiety, fear, etc…Third, why does your gut tell you he is going to propose? Has marriage even come up in discussions? I’m not knocking your ‘gut feelings’ because I get those too.  I’m just trying to understand your logic and where that idea is coming from. Four, have you met his parents, particularly his father? Not all the time, but a fair amount of the time you can gather an idea about how your guy is going to be as a husband/father based on his parents and how he is raised. Remember, this is not with EVERYONE.  Also, I hear this quite often from many women I come in contact with, (especially my girlfriend) that they only see themselves marrying someone that reminds them of THEIR OWN father. Now I’m not sure how your father is, but if he is a great man, then perhaps you could use him as a guide to judging your own man. Five, what is your living situation? Do you live together? Do you have a job as well? Do you guys both help each other pay the bills or is it ‘every man/woman for themselves’?

I know these questions may seemall over the map and random, but they each have significance in your situation. You said that he is a great guy, always encouraging you, taking care of everything, etc.  It sounds like he is a heck of a guy right off the bat.  Being in the military also helps weed out the “asshole” portion of him a lot, because the military tries to grooms assholes into intelligent, hard-working men (although that’s not always the case). It doesn’t work for all, but for many, it seems to do the trick. You also have to keep in mind, it is a good idea to remember that your last “baby daddy” was too immature to be a father, but you can’t judge your current man based on another man’s mistakes. You are with this guy for a reason, so be sure not to punish him based off of a former relationship.

Okay, I think questions 1 and 2 are pretty self explanatory as to why you should discuss these with your boyfriend. If you feel comfortable around him and that he is an earnest, hard-working, compassionate guy.  And he also treats you with the utmost dignity and respect, you should do the same for him and enlighten him about your 3 year old. If you are pregnant with his baby now, you should DEFINITELY tell him about that as well.

On to question 3, your gut tells you he is going to propose.  Let’s take it easy here.  You never want to assume anything, especially when your man is going to propose.  If you have been discussing it, then that’s one thing to get excited about it.  If it hasn’t come up in conversation at all, it is best to probably leave it be. It is best to conquer the mountain one situation at a time.  And the current situation is your unplanned pregnancy. Now remember, this is only my advice (if any others reading this have advice here feel free to jump in).  But once you break the news to him about being pregnant, that’s when you begin to ask about how it is going to work out.  You definitely don’t want to just assume that he is going to propose.  Because if he doesn’t, then you are setting yourself up for a HUGE let-down.

For most responsible men, once you tell them that you are pregnant, a sense of manhood and ownership takes control over us.  It triggers our brains to get ready to become the provider that we are meant to be. It may take him a few days or even a week to get his brain together.  But be there with him, as he will be there for you, and talk to him about everything you are thinking as far as theabout your future together. If you are worried about the money and all that keep this in mind, the military always looks out for family!  They will help with medical for you and the baby, housing, etc.  Also, if you do decide to work together on this and the military does help you guys out.  They will also do this in the event he gets deployed, as long as you are living together and have proof that he is the father (paternity test). My advice for living together is to discuss moving in to basic housing, which is provided by the military, to make your living arrangements easier for the both of you.

With question four, it’s only my interpretation and not always true. Typically when you see your significant other’s family, you get a good feel for how he is raised and what values/morals he has. Word of caution though, we all do not turn out as our parents do. Everyone is their own person, so you have to just feel him out and see how he is.  If he is as caring and compassionate as you say, then it doesn’t sound like he is going to go rogue and change based on your unplanned pregnancy.  You said that he is always around and encouraging you.  To me it doesn’t sound like he is going to ‘up and cheat’ on you just because you are pregnant.

As for question five, the reason I asked all this info is because if you are already living together, then both of you splitting the bills should be a natural thing.  When I moved in with my girlfriend (after a month of dating) we immediately sat down together as we began discussing what the bills were (rent, electric, water, etc). We divided them up and both contributed.  She currently makes more money than I do, but with all my checks, I contribute as much as I can and we work it out together.  Obviously if you do not live together, this could be problematic. My suggestion is after you inform him you are pregnant, it would be wise to give him a few days to let everything sink in.  After he has time to get a grasp on being a father, I would sit down with him and present the idea of living together, especially if you have plans of wanting to marry him.  There is no better way of telling if things are going to work out with another individual than living together.  By doing this, you find out everything you need to about a person: likes/dislikes, cleanliness, how well you are in each other’s space, etc.

As far as your parenting skills, all I can say is that you already have your own ways with your 3 year old.  You won’t know how he acts as a parent until you introduce him to your current child.  Basically, tread lightly with this. What I mean is to explain to him your methods and ask if he has any suggestions. Your child is already acclimated to your ways and might rebel against him, if he isn’t consistent with your forms of discipline. Talk to him about what you do with your child and give it a trial run.  The worst thing is not to give him a chance to show that he can take care of business in that department. If it doesn’t work out with him being a disciplinarian, then I suggest you handle your 3 year old and start fresh with the new baby.

Being scared is a natural part of all of this stuff. I mean I’m sitting here writing this and thinking to myself, this poor girl must be petrified. Just remember, take it one day at a time.  Be open, honest, and give him a fair shot to be the man he claims he is. Don’t judge him based off of your previous ‘baby daddy’ because he will grow distant from you.  It will create resentment if he is consistently compared to a former man. Be just as supportive of him as he is of you.  Keep this in mind as well: he is probably just as scared as you are, if not more (as men we will never admit this to our woman).  I hope this helps you with your ‘baby daddy’ issue :).  Congratulations on your pregnancy (even if it was unplanned) and good luck!!

*Slick Rick now needs a vacation haha*

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Random Q & A (Part VIII)

QUESTION:  I have been dating a girl for 3 months now that I really care about.  She met my parents on Easter weekend, but I haven’t met her parents.  Her mom went into ER this morning and I’m not sure what to do.  I want to help or visit, just not sure. 

ANSWER: You should ask her, say something like, ‘I really care for you and am supportive of your mom and family.  I’ll help any way I can. If you want me to be there with you in ER, I can. But I also don’t want to intrude on a family crisis. Just tell me what you’d like from me during this time and I’ll do what I can.’  Of course modify to say what’s comfortable for you. 

QUESTION:  An ex-boyfriend of mine is getting out of the military.  He wants my son and I to live with him.  He says he will support us.  How do I know it’s the right thing to do?

ANSWER: First off, you should ask yourself several questions. Does he respect you? Do you trust him? Do you care about him a lot? What will he hold over your head for supporting you? And what would be expected of you (cleaning, cooking, etc).  How will he treat your son? What happens if you get pregnant again (the likelihood is higher when you live together)? Are you ready to be faithful to one person (possibly for the rest of your life) and stop looking for other guys? What qualities would make him a good husband?  What are his future plans?  Marriage?  Cohabitating?  Or even he doesn’t know?  Also, unrelated to moving, but still significant, he’s an ex-boyfriend for a reason.  You may want to ponder that.   

QUESTION:  I’ve been dating a guy who just moved to the area last year and we’ve been dating for a month.  His parents are coming next week.  Should I expect to meet his parents?  Or does this mean he doesn’t even take me seriously to want to introduce me?

ANSWER:  Slow down killah!  You said a month?  Honestly, you shouldn’t expect serious things to happen in that month.  If he wants to introduce you, that’s fine.  That’s not a bad sign, just make sure you’re prepared.  But, on the flip side, you should definitely not expect to meet his family this early on.  That’s a big step and I’m sure he would want to be sure your relationship is at a healthy, stable place.  No one wants to introduce a boyfriend/girlfriend who is just gonna be gone in a month.  Just be patient, let the relationship  takes its course.  After a while, if he doesn’t introduce you, you might want to reconsider.     

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Exclusive

QUESTION:

I recently started talking to this awesome guy. He’s a strong, confident, giving man. He always makes me a priority and always gets back to me whenever I text or call. Recently, we had a discussion about talking to other people and he told me to go ahead flirting with other guys. He told me to have fun. When I asked him why he wanted me to sleep with other guys, he stopped me and said that was not at all what he intended. So, he asked the question if we were going to be exclusive. I told him I didn’t want to be with anyone else and he said the same. Then a week later, he says we’re only talking and working on a friendship. I am so confused. Do I stay with this guy? What is going on? Is it worth it to be with him? I feel more secure with him than any other guy before him.

ARIANA:

Life can get complicated when people start throwing around terms or simply judging what’s going on by the ‘title’. I’m a firm believer that titles don’t mean everything. With that said, someone whose actions don’t reflect the status of your relationship is saying a lot about the fact that titles really don’t matter. I judge my relationships by how he treats me, not a label. If he makes you feel like a million bucks and he’s exclusive with you, what more do you need? People rush to get the label but don’t push hard enough for the relationship to grow. In time, the relationship will grow. If you can’t wait, then yes, you should walk away. But what do you need right now that he’s not giving you besides the ‘girlfriend’ title? Enjoy what you have, take it day by day, and go with the flow. In time, the title will come later and if not, that’s when you evaluate whether you should go. But that’s later, enjoy the now!

‘Pimping’ Lines and Awkward Happenings (Part VII)

This week is a lot more awkward than it is pimp. It seems hard to find pimping lines lately. People just seem to do funny things. What can we say, we all know the best of us are always super rational when it comes to relations with the opposite sex. Uh, yeah, riiiiiiight. So, what was awkward this week, let’s see:

** So I’m dancing when ‘happy feet’ (yes, he was scooting his feet so fast randomly all over the place) starts to dance with me. After we dance and he introduces himself as an out of towner, then he convinces me to meet his brother, then after a few minutes, ‘happy feet’ starts dancing with another girl! **

ARIANAWow, you met ‘happy feet’, really? Lucky girl, I would’ve gotten his autograph!! Looks like he ‘happy feeted’ his away from you. There’s plenty of guys who take flight that easily. But usually they’re a little more obvious if they’re trying to play wingman. Whether he was wanting you at first or playing wingman is less obvious. Just be glad he danced his way back out easily! Now it’s time for me to kick back and watch ‘Lion King’.

**I was a local restaurant/bar and noticed there was a krewe of girls celebrating the crowning of their Mardi Gras queen for the parade. I met the queen and asked her if I could wear her pink wig, she said no. I thought it was rude. What’s the big deal?**

ARIANAWell, would you mind if I just took off your toupe if you were wearing one? What lies beneath fake hair lies beneath because it’s not supposed to be seen! Ever heard of a ‘sig cap’? Definitely not the most flattering look for a girl, think ‘bank robber with pantyhose on his head’. But, well, it’s not over her face, obviously. Just always remember to mess with a girl and her clothes, shoes, make-up or hair and it’ll be simple. Yes, simple! Because we all know girls are simple!!

** My girlfriend of 6 yrs were fighting while we were driving last week with her 4 yr old son in the car and she just got so pissed she yelled at me to drop her and her son off right there. We were like 30 minutes from her house, but she yelled it again. So, I stopped and let them out. Twenty minutes later, I felt bad and went back but she was gone. I found out later, her girlfriend who lives close by picked her up. She’s still pissed a week later. How can I fix this? Was it really that bad? **

ARIANAYES! On a scale of 1 to terrible. You’re on one step less than terrible. But don’t ask me what that step is called, maybe try terrible – 1 = you! First off, don’t ever ever ever do that again. You should know that when we women say things in the moment out of anger, all rational is gone out the window. Yes, confusing, I know. When she said ‘drop me off’, she didn’t mean to drop her off. Yes, I’ll say it again, ‘drop me off’ does not mean to drop her off. Just like, ‘just leave and be with some other girl’ does not mean to leave and find another girl. You have to listen to girls without listening. Yes, on the flip side, girls should not say things they don’t mean. Second, it’s beg time, you have a lot to make up for. Not only did you drop her off, but her 4 yr old son off too! If anything, just stop the car and let everybody cool off. Sometimes it’s hard to be the bigger one and not fight back. I always try to call out the behavior to reset everything like ‘could you please stop yelling at me’ or something similar.

Don’t drop your girl off, otherwise she might happy feet away. Wigs are meant to stay on your head and don’t drink juice while in the neighborhood of your hood or something like that. Boys are boys, girls are girls, dating is confusing but if wasn’t, who would want to do it! Until then, date one, date on!! And here comes Mardi Gras time, we here at STD are ready!

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Alter Ego


QUESTION:

I’ve been dating a girl for 3 months now and I just found out that she’s not who she says is. When I first met her, she would only give me her Facebook account. I thought it was odd that she wouldn’t give me her number, but I just went with it. After a few days she finally gave me her number. We hit it off and have been spending a few days a week together. She hasn’t introduced me to her family or her daughter yet, but she says that she’s really into me. We happened to go shopping one day and when I grabbed her bags out of the car, her receipt fell out. I couldn’t believe it, but it wasn’t her name on there. I mean, not the same first or last name. So, I went back over her Facebook and noticed she didn’t have more than 30 friends on there. Who has that small amount of friends? And then I did a search for her phone number and found out that it wasn’t even under her name, but a different one from the receipt. And then, on top of that, she accidentally called me from her real number which she’s hid from me this whole time. I have no idea who I’m dealing with and I’m tempted to cut it off because obviously she’s been lying to me from day one. Should I confront her? What should I say? Why would someone lie about their name?

ANSWER:

Are you sure she’s a real person? Haha, I kid I kid. The old me would’ve told you to kick her to the curb and say you didn’t want anymore. But, I ran into a similar situation with a guy once and well, it opened my eyes. Lying is lying and lying is not cool. I’ll agree with you on that 100%. But for whatever reason, and this is rare, but it does happen. Some people don’t want you to know their real identity from the get go, whether it’s because they’re hiding something, they’re protecting themselves, hiding from a psychotic ex, or a number of other reasons. You definitely have to confront her on this. It’s been 3 months, and I would think you would have earned enough right to know the truth. She’s carried the charade on too long. But, before you do, don’t jump to any conclusions and keep an open mind on this. If you go in flaring with accusations, you’re liable to feel like an ass when you find out the real reason. So, just go in thinking you’re going to understand her as you would any other situation. If you find out the truth, you can then decide if it’s worth continuing on with her. And, I think 3 months is still soon to meet the family. Obviously, for one, you’re not even supposed to know her real name. For two, some people want to be sure you’re going to be around before they start introducing you to family members, especially single parents. Single parents usually want to protect their child. So, back to confronting her, you may think I’m making light of the situation, but I’m not. I’m just saying that you just need to find out and don’t overanalyze or overthink it. You may find out you lose out on a great girl whose just has privacy issues. And who knows, maybe she’s a celebrity. And in that case, don’t forget the little people like me!

No Takebacks

QUESTION:

I left my ex of 8 yrs about 2 yrs ago with our 2 daughters. We moved out of Cali and back to Hawaii where my family is from. I got fed up with his casual parenting. He would only show up when he felt like it and didn’t have plans with his friends. Parenting our daughters became a matter of convenience than a sacrifice and responsibility. I ‘loaned’ him money to buy his car, which he never repaid. He lived with me for almost 5 yrs (since we had our twin daughters) without paying rent and not so much as paying an electric bill. On a physical level, we’re great. Outside the bedroom, the most we can agree on is where to take our family out for dinner. He didn’t even change his status on Facebook status to ever say we were in a relationship. His mom doesn’t like me and insults my parenting skills daily but has not a peep for her son who can’t even wake up to feed the girls breakfast. I held out hope for so long for him to change but got fed up. I’m in a better place now here in Hawaii. But I’ve made attempts the last 6 months to fix our co-parenting relationship, but he’s ignored every single one. He only calls the girls once every 2 weeks and doesn’t ask for pictures or school updates. And I just found out he has a new girlfriend. I am so angry that he makes time for a girlfriend but not his daughters. Part of me blames myself and wonders if I should try to keep the family together. Should I move back there? I feel like I’ll never find anyone now that I’m in 30’s. What should I do? Should I contact him?

ANSWER:

I rarely say this but this is one of those times when I say ‘HELL NO’. I’m sorry but you didn’t list one good reason why he deserves to have any of you guys in his life! You gave him a pure gift of being with his daughters until they were 5 when he didn’t man up. I’m sorry but having your woman pay for your car, housing and the like, that is just BS! Sorry. You handed him everything on a platter and now that you’re gone, he’s just as likely moved on. I’m sorry honey, but he’s ignored you for 6 months. He could care less really to stay in touch. He’s definitely too immature to set aside issues to deal with the bigger issues which is co-parenting. You might as well go back and have 3 kids with his immature butt being the 3rd. I know being a single parent sucks, I get it. But, someone who doesn’t even treat you like you exist as a human being isn’t someone you need in your life. So what if he has a new girlfriend, let her deal with it. And why she would want some guy who’s not involved with his kids is beyond me. Obviously, she doesn’t understand the gravity of the issue or he’s filled her head with BS. You really need to stay where you are stable and have people to count on. I know it sucks to have the girls grow up without their dad, but honestly they might be better off without someone so toxic in their life. And just think they’ll grow up seeing him treat you with less than respect, that may be what they come to expect in their future choice of men. Be glad that you have total control in this matter and don’t have to work with someone who disagrees with you on parenting. Let him go, you’re better off. You and the girls deserve better than that. He’s the one losing out. I’ll take the live of my children over a relationship any day, if I had to choose. Obviously, the dude never learned how to prioritize and to be responsible, that’s on him and his new girlfriend to deal with. Give him deuces and throw some diapers over the fence for him to remember what he lost! Sorry guy, you make em, you raise em! Otherwise, stay out of the way!

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