Yelling and Yanking

QUESTION:

I broke up with my ex-boyfriend about 3 months ago because he just wasn’t treating me well.  He no longer complimented me, disrespected me all the time, and was always hiding his phone from me.  We had been dating for about 5 years.  The past couple weeks we’ve been hanging out again.  We were hanging out at his apartment last week when I got a phone call from my cousin.  I stepped out on the balcony to take the call.  My ex-boyfriend overheard me call him a jerk and he yanked me back into his apartment.  He started yelling at me telling that I was disrespecting me in his place and started calling me stupid.  I argued back with him and then he said, ‘You better stop before I choke you and slap you.’  I came to a dead stop and was scared.  I made some excuse and left after that.  He’s never been like that in the 5 years I was with him.  I don’t know what to do with him anymore.  Should I continue trying to get back together?  Some of my friends say I should leave him.  What should I do?

ARIANA:

Without a doubt, you should stop, turn around and walk away.  He threatened you and whether he meant it or not, you should be concerned.  A man that really loves you will not disrespect you by saying those things.  He was also yanking you into the apartment.  A person who cares about you won’t lay a hand on you, but will instead ask you politely to come in.  No one gets respect when they try to force someone.  And I take it from your talk about the yelling, that this may have been a common thing in your relationship.  That is not healthy at all.  Disagreements and being upset is common a relationship, yelling is not.  That is a very toxic point to be in a relationship when people are being disrespected and understanding is just a mere word.  You’re most likely not able to fix this relationship, but you should learn from this and know that fighting to where no one is listening will never lead to understanding.  Make sure the next person you’re with deeply cares for you, is at a healthy point in his life, and really listens to you.  No relationship will survive without it. 

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Booty Call

 

QUESTION:   

I’ve been friends with this guy ever since he picked up on me where I work as a bartender.  We’ve been friends for about 8 months or so.  I couldn’t ever figure out what he wanted from me.  I thought he was interested when he first asked for my number, but he never contacted me.  Instead he friended me on Facebook and we would exchange Facebook messages.  I’m an artist on the side, so he would always compliment my new pieces that I would post on Facebook.  He seemed like he really liked it.  He had sincere compliments, but they tapered off as time went by.  He would always flirt with me while I was doing my bartender gig.  We would always text message at night when we were out and about.  He sent me a text message to come over at 4am multiple times to ‘hang out’.  After a while he started doing that more often.  I asked him what kind of girl he thought I was and he just said he wanted to hang out.  One night I saw him out, and he bought all of my drinks.  I was feeling a little vulnerable because of an incident earlier with the guy I was dating, plus I had a few drinks.  We ended up kissing that night.  It’s been almost a week and haven’t heard from him.  What should I do?  What I keep letting our interaction continue?  Or should I just be on the friendship level?  Or should I even be friends at all?         

ARIANA:

It really looks like you’re reaching to put together a story for something meaningful with this guy.  And yes, it is definitely time to end this ‘interaction’.  One of the biggest reasons that the chances of dating are pretty much nil is that he texts you at 4am.  Who does that?  I don’t even send texts to family or friends that hour.  You know who does send messages that hour, are usually people looking for a booty call.  Most times if it’s 4am, they’ve probably been out and have less inhibition, giving them a more likely chance to make that booty call.  It doesn’t even sound like he’s taking you out on a real date, either.  If he’s not interested in spending time in daylight hours and spending money on you, most likely at best you’re a friend or the other extreme is friends with benefits.  If you’re down for ‘friends with benefits’, then by all means, get your fix.  Otherwise, just end any kind of friendship.  I mean, the guy kissed you and can’t even return a call after that.  That’s suspect.  Find someone else who really cares for you and wants your time, ’cause you’re not getting that here.

Random Q & A (Part VIII)

QUESTION:  I have been dating a girl for 3 months now that I really care about.  She met my parents on Easter weekend, but I haven’t met her parents.  Her mom went into ER this morning and I’m not sure what to do.  I want to help or visit, just not sure. 

ANSWER: You should ask her, say something like, ‘I really care for you and am supportive of your mom and family.  I’ll help any way I can. If you want me to be there with you in ER, I can. But I also don’t want to intrude on a family crisis. Just tell me what you’d like from me during this time and I’ll do what I can.’  Of course modify to say what’s comfortable for you. 

QUESTION:  An ex-boyfriend of mine is getting out of the military.  He wants my son and I to live with him.  He says he will support us.  How do I know it’s the right thing to do?

ANSWER: First off, you should ask yourself several questions. Does he respect you? Do you trust him? Do you care about him a lot? What will he hold over your head for supporting you? And what would be expected of you (cleaning, cooking, etc).  How will he treat your son? What happens if you get pregnant again (the likelihood is higher when you live together)? Are you ready to be faithful to one person (possibly for the rest of your life) and stop looking for other guys? What qualities would make him a good husband?  What are his future plans?  Marriage?  Cohabitating?  Or even he doesn’t know?  Also, unrelated to moving, but still significant, he’s an ex-boyfriend for a reason.  You may want to ponder that.   

QUESTION:  I’ve been dating a guy who just moved to the area last year and we’ve been dating for a month.  His parents are coming next week.  Should I expect to meet his parents?  Or does this mean he doesn’t even take me seriously to want to introduce me?

ANSWER:  Slow down killah!  You said a month?  Honestly, you shouldn’t expect serious things to happen in that month.  If he wants to introduce you, that’s fine.  That’s not a bad sign, just make sure you’re prepared.  But, on the flip side, you should definitely not expect to meet his family this early on.  That’s a big step and I’m sure he would want to be sure your relationship is at a healthy, stable place.  No one wants to introduce a boyfriend/girlfriend who is just gonna be gone in a month.  Just be patient, let the relationship  takes its course.  After a while, if he doesn’t introduce you, you might want to reconsider.     

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Top 5 Dating Texts of the Week (Part XI)

Online dating, text messaging buddy, hair pulling, obeying, and Scooby Doo! You know it’s crazy. We all know it’s crazy, but it’s just too fun. What fun do we have today?

Text #1 Losers

Ever had that opposite sex friend who you share your dating lives with, even the lack thereof!
boys trip, happy ending, kiss, lonely, losers, got laid

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Text #2: Scooby Doo and Mystery Van

People shouldn’t try to lie, sometimes they get caught. A lie is only a lie if it’s not found out.
scooby doo psycho stalker mystery lied

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Text #3: Obey

Is obey preferable?
obey straight up relationship

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Text #4: Hair Pulling

When it comes to hair pulling, does hair length make a difference?
Easter pulling hair long hair pervert haircut

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Text #5 Snuggling

I agree that snuggling is another term for foreplay. What do you think?
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Lightning Fast

QUESTION:

I’ve been talking to this great guy for the last few months. The other day we got into a disagreement and being the persistence person I am, I kept probing him as to what he was thinking. Some other things were said and he told me he couldn’t provide the life I deserved in the future. I was crushed and I couldn’t let it go. I freaked out because he was so amazing. We had a really strong bond and I felt blindsided with how he was cutting things off. I know we had rushed into things, we had already talked about having babies and life would be like when we’re married. I tell him everything. And embarrassingly, I cried after the 3rd day of talking some terrible things that happened in my past. Surprisingly he stayed up until 5am that night talking to me and we continued to talk after that. The next 5 days we went over and over discussing our situation. We eventually got worn out. And now we’re talking again as frequently as we did before every morning, all throughout the day, and at night. This has been going on for a few weeks since that initial talk of cutting things off. The only thing that’s different is that we don’t talk about babies and marriage anymore. He says we’re just getting to know each other instead of talking. Should I let him go? What does he mean by ‘just getting to know each other’? What kind of title is that?

ELLE:

Wow, third day and crying? It’s a miracle you didn’t scare the guy off those first few days. He must REALLY like you to stick around. But it sounds like he’s getting worn down at the lightning speed you two have been traveling. It honestly sounds like you’re both at fault here. You guys let yourselves get carried away in the ooey gooey and mushy things. This isn’t high school anymore. This is the real world where you have to take into account factors like trust, taking care of each other, the future, and eventually finances. All of those take time to get to and there really is no reason to rush. You cannot rush getting to know someone. Although you guys may have felt close, there’s only so much you can already be close about. It really takes time to see how a person really is. You can’t rush the good things in life. But, yes, you should be choosy about what you say to him. He’s not one of your girlfriends and shouldn’t be told every detail of your past, or every thought, or about all your girlfriends’ romantic lives. And honey, if you guys are still acting the same as you were before, then titles aren’t really a big thing. As long as he’s consistent and is devoted to you, in due time, I’m sure the title will come. Just enjoy your time together and each moment, worrying about the future or things to come is a useless place to put your energy. And good call on not talking about babies and marriage anymore. Trust me, there’s plenty of time to do that, you don’t want to be worrying about the future now. What you have is today, so make the most of it!

Raped Overseas

QUESTION:

I am an American who is living overseas for a new experience. A guy friend came over last night and basically raped me. I know it sounds horrible and I feel horrible. I was in the police station all night here. He pushed me down on my stomach and jumped on top of me holding me down. I felt him barely touch my private area. I had all my clothes on and he pulled down my pants as I fought to free myself. I am really sore in my back and will have police take me to the hospital soon to make a report. My 3 yr old daughter is fine, she heard nothing because she was sleeping. I only slept an hour last night. This is the first time any guy has done something like this to me. While he was holding me down I was saying ‘no’ and ‘stop’. I was trying to free myself because he was not wearing a condom. I just met him recently. I told him at the beginning of the date we were not having sex, and I only wanted something friendly. I don’t normally have sex unless I am in a relationship and usually wait. He ejaculated on my butt and I pray to God none went down to me. They will do all the sexual tests tomorrow morning. He was arrested tonight, shortly after I visited the police station. Thankfully, they take sexual violence very seriously here in this country. The police said he needed to be treated worse than a wild animal. They were so helpful, giving me water, Kleenexes and tea. He has to stay in the jail overnight. He also has to get a lawyer to go to court tomorrow. I also have evidence because I have my underwear in which he got his sperm on, while he was trying to put it inside me with my underwear on. My friend who is a police officer gave me good advice about what to do here. He said this guy who committed sexual violence will be scared if he has to go to the police station and I need not be afarid. I also decided that I will not have any more male friends to my apartment. Tonight, I badly wanted a helpful, gentleman boyfriend that I could rely on. I just want one man. The guy I’ve been talking to has very supportive. I decided I will not call guys, go on dates, invite any men to my house, have sex, or kiss any man for 3 months. What else do you recommend I do?

ARIANA

I am proud of you that you stood up enough to go to the police. Only about ~18% date rapes are reported. Even if your case doesn’t go anywhere, he is in the system now. And should he attack another woman, he will be viewed more highly as a rapist. My biggest recommendation, although I don’t know how things are done in that country, is that you seek out a rape crisis center for therapy and possibly a psychiatrist. Or if they don’t have any, then search for information online or checkout RAINN. RAINN is an organization that has (straight from their mission statement on their website) hotlines’ free, confidential services; educates the public about sexual violence; and leads national efforts to prevent sexual violence, improve services to victims and ensure that rapists are brought to justice. I’m so sorry he did that to you. You in NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM deserved that. I know many rape survivors. It is a very defining moment of a survivor’s life when they are raped and usually changes who their life forever. Many victims were never the same after they are raped and that date will always be significant to rape survivors. I suggest you pick a new theme for that day. And reclaim that day, not as mourning your former self, but of celebrating the new you. Be warned, that I’ve seen survivors who are still traumatized 9 yrs later. It has a very lasting impact on your psychologically well being. He used your own body as a weapon against you to hurt you. NO ONE deserves that. It’s not the physical damage that hurts the most, it’s the psychological damage it will and has done to you. I also recommend not to lean on a man who is unemotionally stable. It is NOT healthy and he cannot give you what you need to fight this battle. If he was a long term faithful boyfriend or husband, he at least has made the commitment to be there. It is tough for men to even play that role when you’re important to them. You will have to learn to stand on your own 2 feet after this and be strong. You will have to be able to tell yourself you are strong despite all that happens after this. YOU are really the only one who can help yourself inside and in your mind to get past and through this. No man, woman, or child can fight this fight for you. If you hear anything, please know that! You are strong. Be strong for yourself. Your view on men will most likely change. I also suggest having some friend (female) staying the night the next few days as I’m sure you’re still in shock. It will take some time to recover from this. Please know we here at STD are rooting for you and hoping you find the resources to get through this trauma. It’s a long hard fight, but you can do it. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. And be patient with yourself.

Top 5 Dating Texts of the Week (Part X)

Here they go! Top 5 dating texts of the week

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Random Q & A (Part VII)

Q: Does that make a girl look too easy if she doesn’t wait til being official and is messing around before that?

A: Doesn’t need to be any titles to mess around. Some girls are freaks. But if a girl would mess around on the first date. It’s a red flag. If you don’t want to seen as a red flag, I recommend you wait until the 4th or 5th date.

Q: I have a girl friend that doesn’t want to introduce me to her son and daughter. Is that awkward?

A: I totally understand where she’s coming from. For single parents, bringing a child into the picture is difficult. Some single parents are not that protective, then there are some who are overprotective. Reasons for being overprotective could be they don’t to introduce several different people in their lives who aren’t gonna stay, bad experiences in the past, or not to confuse their kids. Don’t take it personally, that’s just her parenting style.
Q: The guy I’m talking to just told me he smokes weed everyday.
A: Yeah. No bueno. I’ve know guys who have done that. And if he really wants help to chill he should go to the psych and gets meds prescribed. Weed is the readily available and non-regulated version of anti-depressants! And it really is the gateway to other hard core drugs! Ask him if he does other drugs every once in a while. If he says yeah, walk away girl.

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Random Q & A (Part VI)

Q: She sent me a text saying “I feel like we’ve been together a long time. Well I guess we have. 6 months in total.” what does this mean?

A: It means she trusts u to be herself. That she can be herself around you. That you guys are just walls down and not playing games. It’s a good thing. She feels at home with you.

Q: Just wondering how it affects things if a girl talks dirty with a guy but don’t use ‘make love’. Does that degrade the girl if she talks dirty and drops f bombs instead of saying ‘sex’?

A: It just depends on the guy and the relationship you have. Everyone is different, but you should be aware enough to see what the respect level is. The more respect he has for you, the less he will look down on you. Guys of high caliber can separate sex talk from the rest of the relationship. Both parties should know how to isolate sex and sex talk from the rest of the relationship.

Q: I started dating this new guy and I’m feeling a little insecure. He always acts like a gentleman doing old fashioned things like pulling my chair out for me, opening doors for me, picking me up for dates, and even meeting me at the door when he picks me up for dates He listens to everything I say and always makes time for me. How do I know if he’s the real deal?

A: Sounds like a sweet deal. He is doing and saying all the right things, but only time will tell if he is the real deal. You just have to be patient to figure that out. You don’t want to cut out too early if he’s the real thing but don’t want to stay too long if he isn’t. A few things to look out for is that he’s consistent in what he say and does, also be sure to see if you’re progressing in more than just the physical realm, and a deeper connection as time passes. Pay attention to what he does and if it backs up what he says. Keep your eyes open and really evaluate whether he’s doing what he says he’s about.

Bipolar Love

QUESTION:

First off, I am an individual who has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I was misdiagnosed for a long time and had a toxic relationship I was part of the entire time until I got diagnosed correctly. Then I was able to get on the right meds and I was then well enough to see what a terrible person he was to be in a relationship with. And he was an even worse choice for someone like me with bipolar disorder to be with. So, I have stayed out of relationships for a while. But I finally met a wonderful guy at church. He had just moved here from Chicago and was new at our church. We hit off and got very close quickly. My friends said we seemed as if we had been together for years, but we had only been together for a couple months. We had a lot of the same values, were both very much family people, had great conversations and also had a very strong physical attraction. One night, we had a disagreement about where our relationship was headed. I wanted to be more than just ‘talking’ but he wanted to take things slow. And then 2 weeks later after things were good for a while, he abruptly broke things off. We went back and forth for a week. Then one day I just snapped and had an episode. I said some of the deepest thoughts I had never ever revealed to anyone about the deep pain I had. I am a very open person so for me to hold something that deep meant it was very significant. He was so afraid for me and upset that I could be so negative about myself. The next morning we were talking again and I revealed to him that I was bipolar. I explained the night before was just an episode that was triggered by lack of sleep and stress from work that was built up over the last 6 months. He’s not sure what to do and wants to be there. He just never wants to see me in so much pain because of anything related to him. How do I have a normal relationship? What can we do to make this better? Do we have hope?

ARIANA:

First of all, I know I’m no expert on the matter of mental illness. I, well as the rest of the STD team, are supporters in active education on and effective treatment of mental illness. Your local hospital should be able to direct you to a unit where you can get more help. That said, there are some things we do know and that is that people with mood disorders need love just as much as those without. It just takes more work on both parties to make a relationship work when one person suffers from a mood disorder. You did the right thing by letting the guy know. If you are thinking about and discussing with someone the possibility of a relationship, you should be up front to let him know what he is stepping into. Then he can decide for himself if it’s something he can handle. And I know it’s hard but you have to try and not take it offensively or personally. Most people are not equipped with the patience and understanding is required. That’s nobody’s fault, that’s just the way it is. With that said, there is hope. You may have found a man who will be patient and understanding, supporting you through this. He can only support, you will have to do the leg work. I truly believe in the power of love, so if it is truly meant to be you two can work through this. It will take a lot of work on both parties, but it will be worth it if your relationship is strong enough to overcome this. You have to be honest with him and yourself when your stressors are building up. If he truly cares for you then he no doubt doesn’t want to witness another episode. And at worse, watch you land yourself in the psych unit of the hospital. I have know people who have gone in several times into the psych unit and although the person may love you, it takes its toll. The only thing you can is take care of yourself in regard to nutrition, exercise, sleep, good coping skills, being on the right meds and working with your therapist. I sincerely wish you the best, you are not in an easy task and have a difficult road. But, in this world, there are people strong enough to fight against opposing forces. And if you’re blessed, which time will only tell, you will have a man who can support you fight the fight. Don’t be mistaken or misguided that he’ll fight it for you, all the hard work lies in your hands. Own your life, it will help you reap the fruit of an excellent life full of love, happiness, and joy.

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