Pimping Deadlines

QUESTION:

I am so fed up with dating.  I broke up with an abusive boyfriend of 5 years last year.  And I have been on a rampage.  I haven’t really been looking for anything in particular, but all I have is bad luck.  All I seem to find is guys who could care 2 sh&ts about me.  I had never experienced such deep passion and intimacy as I did with my previous boyfriend.  So, the only goal I really had was to prove to myself that I could experience that with someone else and that abusive boyfriend was not the ‘one’ for me.  I met guys everywhere–the mall, nightclubs, bars, through friends, Facebook, etc. through most of the year.  And none of it was intimate like it was with him.  I finally met one where it was full of intimacy and passion, but that one night we slept together was about all we had.  After that, he was a complete jerk and lead me on for the next couple months.  I was so jaded by the whole situation, I scrubbed my entire phone of guys I had met.  I scrubbed 30 numbers.  I had no idea I had talked and dated so many guys.  I vowed to myself that I was done with that lifestyle.  I cut everything off with every single guy I was dating then.  And I took myself off the market.  I needed a lot of reflection time, I’m a sweet, innocent girl, I didn’t want what any of those guys had to offer.  All I had wanted was just to have fun and it wasn’t fun anymore.  So, for a few weeks, I just kept it low key.  Then, we went out to the club one night and my BFF’s twin who had moved back was with us.  I had never met him before, he was working in Hawaii, so we never had a chance to meet.  He was shy, had a cute smile, was really intelligent based on our conversation, and we had a spark when we started dancing.  We gave me his number and I decided to message him.  He just messaged me and messaged me right after another.  He would write 4 screens worth of messages.  He didn’t hold anything back.  A couple days after the club, he asked me if I wanted to go to the mall.  We went there and ate, had a great team.  When it was time for me to get out of the car, he leaned in and kissed me a few times.  I was mesmerized, but that night after some thought, I realized I was still jaded.  I didn’t want to date.  I’m thinking about cutting things off before they start so I’m true to my ‘reflection’ time.  Am I making a mistake?  If you felt that instant connection with someone, should you go after it?

SLICK RICK:

This is quite a predicament you are in.  On one hand, I completely understand why you feel jaded and completely against wanting to date or engage in a relationship with someone new.  After countless times of heartache and disappointment, you probably have the thought that he would just be ‘another typical guy’. I know this is quite confusing and pretty frustrating, but never fear, Slick Rick is here!

I have been in your shoes before when it comes to being completely against going out with someone new.  In your experience, you had an abusive jerk that treated you like garbage and probably didn’t deserve a second of your time anyway. I do have a question for you. Just for clarification, the guy that was abusive to you…was he also the one that you shared the deep passion and intimacy with?  I just wanted to get a better understanding for myself as well as any others that may read this. If this is the case, the reason why your experiences with him were so intimate is because you spent the most amount of time with him. You became dependent upon him and his ways, even though you recognize that he was abusive to you. I do not know that you mean by abusive, but regardless of whether it was physical, mental, or emotional; any type of abuse is WRONG.

Before I really get in depth, I want you to understand that I am not a psychologist or doctor of any kind, but simply a man with advice. If he has physically abused you, I suggest you report it to the police.  Ok, now back to your first situation. After spending nearly five years with a person, it is natural to compare anyone new to how your ex treated you physically, mentally, affectionately, ect.  If this guy had you thinking that his ‘stuff’ was the best there is out there because of his abuse, it can take serious time to recover from such a devastating experience.  Now I have no idea how your intimate lifestyle was with the guy or any of that, but if you say it was ‘the best’ then I will take your word for it.  I do want to ask what made him the best? If a person could treat you so wrongly, how is it that he is anything but a jackass?

I want to make it clear to you as well as any other reader; having these feelings towards the new men you meet is not your fault. It sounds like you tried to get back in the game after breaking up with your ex, and unfortunately, you have found out that many guys are jerks. It can be difficult meeting new guys whether it be on Facebook, through friends, going out to bars/clubs, ect.  You said that once you realized that you were not happy, you ended up deleting 30 names/numbers.  I think this is good that you took a step back and analyzed the lifestyle you were leading and did not like the person you were or were becoming.  If you are not truly happy with who you are, it will be impossible to find happiness with anyone or to even try to engage in a relationship. Taking time away from others to have personal reflection is very important to gaining your sanity, especially from a bad relationship and then from other terrible dating situations.

I personally think it is good that you have met your BFF’s twin and the two of you had a good time meeting one another.  You had a chance to see him multiple times and he even made you have that special feeling that you have been longing to have by treating you the way you deserve to be treated.  This is where things are going to get a little difficult and only you can answer these questions.

Have you fully recovered from your abusive relationship enough to trust another man to not treat you that way? You are the only one who knows when you have truly recovered from that traumatic experience. If you haven’t recovered, then I suggest you take it easy before you get too far involved with this guy. So far it sounds like you really enjoy his company and him being around though.

How comfortable do you feel around him? Do you feel like you can be open with him or do you feel reserved?  The reason I ask these questions is because I once met a girl that had just got out of a physically abusive relationship.  The girl would literally jump back when I would try to hug her or show any affection and it scared me half to death because I thought it was something I was doing.  I confronted her about this because if it was me, I wanted to know what I was doing wrong.  She then explained to me she had a previous boyfriend hit her often and verbally abused her, so she was afraid of men.  After hearing this, I felt it was my duty as a man (especially one that liked her), to show her that not all men are that way.  I didn’t pressure her to talk to me, but when she did open up, it made her feel much more at ease about being around me and understanding that not all me were like her ex-boyfriend.  So my advice with this is if you do feel like you are at a comfortable enough stage in your reflection time period, you may want to just talk with him about your previous experience with your ex-boyfriend and some other men you have dated.  If you explain to him that you are very cautious right now about dating because of some terrible experiences you have had, he will more than likely be understanding of why you are timid rather than assuming that it is something he is doing. This will at least give him a chance to show if he has what it takes to be with you!

I would definitely say that if you had an instant connection with him, especially if you know his twin very well, that it is at least worth a chance.  I must give you a word of caution though, and this is something you will have to consider.  If you date your friend’s twin, will it change the dynamic of you and your BFF’s friendship if anything should happen to you and him if you do decide to date?  I would discuss this with your friend as well as with the guy because you wouldn’t want to ruin two relationships if something goes sour.  Aside from that, I say give it a shot…it could be the best thing that happens to you.  As always, I hope Slick Rick has been helpful! 🙂

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Random Q & A (Part X)

QUESTION: The guy I’m dating wants to know what my ‘number’ is. It’s a lot higher than his. Should I tell him or not? He told me he’s going to assume my ‘number’ is worse since I’m not telling him.

SLICK RICK:

When it comes to the ‘number’ game, it can be a difficult process to discuss with your significant other. I actually had the same situation with my girlfriend when we began dating. Her number was significantly lower than mine because she had different morals/values than I did. She also intended on waiting until marriage. I had a different lifestyle in college before I met her and lived my life accordingly. When we came across this subject, it was a bit awkward to discuss. We both knew the type of lifestyle I used to lead, but she had no idea my number fairly high. That said, the best thing you can do is be honest with your partner. Everyone had their own lifestyles before meeting their significant other and should not be punished for what happened before you met.

There is a reason you may have engaged in sex with the other men. But at the same time, there is also a reason you are not dating them. Former boyfriends/girlfriends and one-night stands do happen. And it is not something anyone can take back. Yet if the guy you are dating truly cares about you, your ‘number’ shouldn’t cause him to turn away from you. By explaining things to him, hopefully it will make him trust you for being able to talk about such a difficult topic. And it will also help strengthen your relationship. When I did, my girlfriend respected that I could come clean, even though my ‘number’ was significantly higher than her. And I’m proud to say we are currently going on 3 years of being together.

QUESTION: There is a guy who is friends with my best friend and he lives an hour away. I can’t tell what he wants to do or if I’m just a fwb? He calls me a couple of times a month to see me and we have sex every time we see each other which makes it feel like we’re fwb. We’re not officially dating or anything, so we’re free to date other people.

SLICK RICK:

You have to ask yourself a few questions. First, are you actively searching for a boyfriend or just playing the field? Second, are you developing feelings for this guy beyond sex? Third, what happens after you guys have sex? Do you continue to hang out in social settings such as going to the movies? Fourth, do you want to date him exclusively? Once you answer these questions, it will be easier to approach this situation.

If you are actively searching for a boyfriend, but you are continuously having sex with him when he visits, naturally you will develop relationship-type feelings. If you do hang out in social settings, then it’s no wonder why you have these feelings. If you answered yes to 2nd and 4th questions, then I suggest talking to him about your feelings. The worst thing you can do is to let things sit in your mind, letting it become jumbled and twisted.

Overthinking usually leads to disaster in relationships or before a relationship. You should speak what’s on your mind and heart. Then you can see where he is at. He might possibly be having the same type of feelings, but doesn’t want to rock the boat by asking you. It sounds stupid, but when it comes to stuff like this, some guys are really nervous. They are honestly just happy being in the situation they are in not wanting anything to happen asking the question, ‘what are we?’. If you feel this way and wish to pursue it as a relationship, just let him know how you feel. If he is on the same page, it should work out beautifully. If not, then you have to determine if fwb is the right thing for you and adjust accordingly.

QUESTION: I always meet assholes whenever I go to the bars/clubbing and end up dating them. I’m tired of it, how do I meet better guys? A good guy would be great, but those don’t seem to exist as often as the assholes.

SLICK RICK:

I’ll be the first to tell you that assholes are EVERYWHERE! As a guy, I consistently see them with some amazing women. It makes me wonder how the heck they do it. Well I have an answer for that. The reason assholes continue to get great women is because great women continue to fall for asshole moves. We all know what they are and how they act. Most of the time, they all look the same. If you want to find a real man and not just any guy, meet them outside of the bar/clubs. Here’s how it usually breaks down by the numbers for guys at the bar/club: 70% are assholes, 15% happily married (their wife is with them), 10% have girlfriends and are committed, and 5% are single and are good guys.

When any of my friends tell me, ‘Oh we met at a bar’, I think to myself, ‘another one bites the dust’. I know it’s hard to hear. But meeting people in a bar and having it work out is like hitting the lottery. It is VERY rare. Most people at the bar usually have two things on their mind, 1) how fast can I get drunk and 2) who is my target to hook up with? My advice to you is try your best to just go to the bar with friends to simply have a good time. Don’t focus on trying to meet guys there with the notion of starting a relationship. I understand you have no control of where you meet someone, but a bar is usually a difficult spot to find a great guy. Try doing activities that you enjoy like such as sports/social clubs/gym. The chances of you meeting a great guy at these places and having it turn into a healthy relationship is vastly higher than if you try it in a bar.

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