Safe Sex in Relationships

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QUESTION:

I’m a pretty safe person for the most part. I don’t drive in bad neighborhoods, I drive safely, I don’t swim too far out in the ocean, and I’m very safe when it comes to dating and sex. Eventually, we all meet someone though who we trust, and when we meet them we let our standards slip because we trust the person.

I just met this amazing person. I trust him, I definitely like him, and can see a future with him. However, we just recently began a physical relationship. We had not talked about birth control at all beforehand, so he had no clue if I was on anything. I don’t assume a guy is going to protect me from pregnancy and STD’s i know that I have to be the one looking out for myself. However, we all have those moments when we let our guard down and assume.

I assumed that he was going to be careful and use some form of birth control when we first hooked up and he did not. I could not tell until afterward and I was like “oh my god! I can’t believe you did that.” I made sure to take plan b to prevent pregnancy, but I’m still concerned about his actions. Should I be concerned?

I really like him, but if this is something that he obviously doesn’t care about does that mean he wants a child? Hopefully not, because it is way to early to even think about a child. Do you think that he just doesn’t care about me and was just doing what felt good to him? Or do you think that maybe he just assumed I was on something? When I confronted him his response was just that basically he was sorry but couldn’t control himself?!? Help!

JOHNNY:

Before I get too in depth about your dilemma, I want to correct you on something. Your standards don’t slip when you meet someone that you trust, you simply let your guard down. The difference between these two things is that when your ‘standards slip’ that means you lower your standards and make excuses to be with someone that doesn’t deserve your time and feelings. When you let your guard down and open up to someone, it means that they have already met some of your standards because you have began engaging in some sort of friendship/relationship.

Letting your guard down like this is perfectly acceptable. For the record, I knew what you meant though, but felt that I wanted to express that there is a huge difference between the two because trust is established before your guard is let down. When you lower your standards, you don’t even consider trust in the equation.

Anyhow, on to more important fish to fry. Being in a physical relationship is important for a ton of reasons. It means you have more of an attraction for your significant other and you have chosen to take it to the next level. While this may not be a big deal for some, it is huge for others and in your particular case. It sounds like you and your partner were both ready for this step. It is always a good idea to protect yourself because no matter how much you trust someone, you can’t always assume they have your best interests in mind.

When you are in the heat of the moment, I know it goes without being said that the best way to prevent pregnancy is to use condoms. No matter what, he should not assume that you are on something. This is something that is his responsibility to ask and your responsibility to tell before you ever engage in sex! I know that people often go without using condoms, which is totally your own choice, but it also comes with those risks of pregnancy and STD’s. For your case, the fact that he didn’t “prepare” for the ending result by getting his timing right is a little troublesome. It’s not rocket science to figure out when it is approaching and how to avoid that issue. However, in some cases, it totally catches you off guard and literally sneaks up on you. No way for me to tell which is the case here, but I’ll try to offer incite.

The fact that he said he couldn’t control himself sounds like he might be inexperienced with having sex without a condom. Unfortunately for some guys, the first few times without a rubber can be difficult to determine when you are getting close and when it’s too late. The best way to remedy this without it happening again is to either slow down and not be as physical in your relationship until you have established ground rules or just make him wear the rubber.

Either way, if you aren’t wishing to have a child at this point in your life, these are the two best options. There are still plenty of other ways to have intimacy without sex (I can’t believe I actually said this). I’m sure if you were to sit down with him and explain that you are concerned about getting pregnant from “accidents” that he will definitely either try harder to prevent it, or just be smart and rubber up. It is not wrong of you to be concerned because the results are literally life-altering; and if you aren’t ready for the consequences then it makes it even more of a difficult issue to handle.

Unfortunately, I don’t have any other words of wisdom except that you have to always be thinking about yourself; especially since you are a woman. Unless you are married, it is a good idea to always be on your toes because like you said you can’t depend on others to always be protecting you. You always have to have your best interests at heart. If he doesn’t want to hear what you have to say about being safe, it is a good idea to probably leave the relationship because it shows lack of compassion, trust, and general respect for a person. Hope this helps!

EDITOR’S NOTE: We always recommend the use of birth control to prevent the spread of STD’s and unplanned pregnancy. Prevention is the responsibility of both sexes, so we encourage girls to carry condoms along for casual sex and some form of birth control. Sex can be a very great bonding experience when the right precautions are taken. We are firm believers the best pathway to parenthood is through marriage. We know that doesn’t always happen, so we would never think negatively on any single parent for being one. Happy sex and safe days.

Here’s looking at you Pop Tart!

Q: My friends and I go out to the club a lot but we’re pretty low key guys. We don’t really approach girls in the club, we’re just not very forward and aggressive. Of course, if a lady talks to us, we respond. We’re not standoffish at all. But girls making the first move rarely happens. We’re usually keeping to ourselves and aren’t really scanning the crowds or making flirty eye contact. So, I was surprised when that night, a gorgeous girl approached me while I was grabbing a drink from the bar. We joked around, she seemed very down to earth and had a great laugh and smile. All she wanted to order from the bar was mimosas which I thought was a little odd because it was a breakfast drink. I shrugged it off and dismissed it thinking it may just be her favorite drink. One of her favorite songs came on and she dragged me onto to the dance floor, I looked over at my boys and they winked, threw some fist pumps in there and laughed. I had my boys backing me up, so I was feeling a little more confident. When we were dancing, she was all over me and looked over at me with sexy eyes. I was definitely enjoying this. We stayed on the dancefloor for over an hour and the whole time she was shaking her assets and doing the whole sexy eye thing. My friend who owned the club walked by and put a ‘Trojan’ in my hand discretely. I was thinking things were looking up for me and I had a possible chance at hitting it that night. Then about 10 minutes later when they were doing last call, another friend of mine walked by slipping a ‘Lifestyles’ into my hand. All signs were go from there. Then it sealed the deal when she said she was too tipsy to drive and asked if one of my friends and I could follow her home. It was bold, something I’d never done before, but I offered to drive her home since I didn’t drive that night. She grinned and told me that would work. So, I drove her home and as soon as we pulled into her garage, she quickly exclaimed that I shouldn’t get out yet since her ex drives by sometime. I waited til the garage door was down and then stepped out. We entered the house and she walked toward her bedroom telling me she was going to change into something more comfortable. She had left the door slightly open and in the mirror facing me, I saw her body and bit my fingers, thinking ‘damn’. It was on, I was getting more into this and she came back out and we started making out. I was feeling it and ready. But as she led me into her bedroom, I passed by her picture frames with her ex-husband and kids in it. I felt a pang of guilt and regret. And as we continued to make out, I decided I couldn’t do it. So, with that, we ended up just falling asleep without going farther. The next morning I was abruptly awoken when she threw a pop tart at me. She was holding a mimosa again and she told me, ‘When I’m feeling great and energized from a great night, I cook a full breakfast. But when I feel disappointed, lethargic from the night before, I have a pop tart. I wanted to laugh but she had a serious look on her face. She was throwing a pop tart at me to express her disappointment that we hadn’t gone all the way. I’m so shocked at that and not sure what to do. I mean, I just needed more time before I made my move. She was hella sexy and I could understand her disappointment. Should I call her again? Should I try to see her again or just let this one go?

A: Lol. I had to pause for a second there, I had to stop myself from laughing. I’m sorry, nothing against you, it just sounds so silly that it couldn’t possibly be real. This is a first I’ve ever had of Pop Tarts involved in a first night ‘encounter’. Did you actually eat the Pop Tart? And was she eating Pop Tarts too? These all irrelevant questions, but I had to ask! Let’s see, there’s a couple things to consider here, 1) the ex husband, 2) the psycho ex husband, 3) her level of disappointment, and 4) what she really wants from you. Psychos scare me, especially at the level it sounds like her ex-husband is at. I mean, if you were coming home late from the club and he comes around that often that she felt the need to warn you, then that just multiplies his psycho factor. I’m not sure if you’re trying to date this girl long term or just having a little fun, either way, that’s a lot of trouble to get into with someone you barely know. Who knows what the ex is capable of! And I don’t think you’d want to find that out the hard way! Another thing to consider is how recent the divorce was. If you’re looking to date this girl or get to know her, being with a recently divorced person can be a sticky situation. You should probably find out more details on what caused the divorced and when it happened, that’ll give you an idea on where to go. As far as her level of disappointment, I’d say she got pretty upset from getting rejected, I mean really, how many times do we wake up to a pop tart being thrown at us. Even my mom didn’t do that when she was pissed at me. In my book, that’s a deal breaker, but I’m someone who’s looking for more than just a little fun. If you’re just looking for fun, that could be something you look past. And if she’s down for the same thing, then it’s time to just go with it. I say take a chance and contact her again. Push the envelope a little more next time, but make sure you don’t wake up with a pop tart thrown at your face. Or even worse, waking up in a tub of syrup. Hey, anything’s possible, I’m sure you didn’t think you’d get food pitched at you. Have fun, keep away from psycho trouble, and make sure you learn to block flying breakfast items!! All’s fair in the game of pop tart throwing!

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