Random Q & A (Part XII)

QUESTION

friends with benefits, friendship, friendships, fwb, boundaries, respect, my boyMy girlfriend of 4 months feels like we are becoming best friends. She said she can act herself around me and talk to me about anything. What does this mean?

ARIANA:

STOP! Don’t be her girlfriend!  Girlfriends listen to everything they have to say, that’s not a boyfriend’s job. Either of 2 things will happen if you continue: 1) you will become friends or 2) she will become dependent on you listenening to her every problem and issues, whereas she should be able to handle issues on her own. She’ll get upset if you don’t listen to gossip about her friends, every work issue, etc.  Tell you her you support her and listen to her, but there’s some things that would be more helpful if she talks to a friend!

QUESTION:

What can a girl do to make sure her man feels secure? The guy I’m dating has said he doesn’t feel like I got his back (we had our friends have drama go down when we went out one night and he was trying to help resolve it). Then today he wanted to hear me reassure him that I’m only with him. What can I do so that he feels confident in how I feel?

ARIANA:

Just be you. You can try and reassure someone all day till your face is blue but it solely depends on that individual to realize your dedication, commitment, and loyalty to them. So as long as your actions mirror your words and in your heart you know your loyalty lies with him everything else should fall into place.

QUESTION:

My boy  is dating this girl he met.  Her cousin and I kinda hit it off, hooked up the first night.  We’ve been talking on and off for the last few months.  We do double dates every now and then.  But, we talked about it and she understands we’re just friends with benefits.  I like her company but neither of us are looking for more.   One night she invites me to go out, so we can hang wiwth her cousin and my boy.  I thought it was cool, but then when I got there she started flirting with every dude.  Yet when I started talking to girls, even a table full of girls, she got upset.  Then she told me we could still be friends with benefits at the end of the night.  There’s no way at the end of the night that I’m going to hit it if she’s been flirting with guys all night and been inconsiderate when she invited me out.  What’s her deal?   

ARIANA:

Sounds like you ‘friends’ need to have a discussion (if it’s not over already, seems to be a whole lot of drama for a fwb relationship) about each of your expectations out of this ‘friends with benefits’ relationships.  Misunderstands and drama happen when the boundaries aren’t defined.  Also, the key word here is ‘friends’, so that means you should be able to talk and respect each other. 

Yes, if she invited you to hang out, then she should be focused on you and not flirting with guys.  You’re not leftovers and shouldn’t be treated as such.  You shouldn’t allow yourself to be disrespected like that.  But by the same token, games don’t show respect either.  As hard and tempting as it may be, as soon as you saw her talk to a guy, it would’ve been best to pull her aside and clear the air. 

This is exactly why friends with benefits is tough to continue, because you have that element of friendship where it canboundaries, respect, drama, secure cause drama when boundaries start to blur.  Even if this one’s not wrecked, remember for next time that first and foremost, you should set the rules clearly and touch on as many points that need to be addressed.  And, a ‘safe word’ is always helpful in communication, in this case, it would be when someone is starting to develop more than fwb feelings.  Good luck.  That’s a whole lot of effort to get some, but what do I know, I haven’t had a man since the last election!

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Random Q & A (Part IV)

QUESTION:

What do you think about a couple waiting til marriage for sex? If a guy is willing to do that, that’s pretty serious, right?

ANSWER:

It is definitely not the norm. But, for a girl, it shows the guy is really serious about her, I think. And that he’s willing to set aside and sacrifice his wants. It definitely doesn’t guarantee a great relationship but shows the guy is the marrying type. And obviously, it shows he’s not looking for sex. Something to be respected but definitely expected!

QUESTION:

Last night my cousin and I hung out with some guys we used to talk to and date.  Why do guys always try to hook up with both my cousin and I, one after the other! WTF? Some guys are spineless. Do they think we’ll screw each other over to just to get some a** from some random a**holes??? Really!!!!!! Do we give of that vibe or is it just some guys twisted fantasy? Or both? What happened to morals? I love my boys, they’re awesome but some guys think this is okay. WTF????

ANSWER:

I bet you were clubbing right? If so, it’s almost every male’s fantasy to be with two girls and given the added alcohol element and those inner desires come creeping to the surface and they make it annoyingly obvious. Yes, you don’t bring guys that you’ve dated in the past, out with you. That’s like dating 101 because of the possibility of them doing one of two things. One, get butt hurt because you’re not giving them the attention they require and make things awkward because things didn’t work out for you two, but you’re kickin it to someone else or 2) assume they’re in the friend zone and think it’s ok to hit on your friends, family, etc because you’re just friends. Add alcohol to the mix and you get last night. Now granted not every guy is the same and they may be cool, even if you establish a good friendship relationship beforehand, you still should avoid those scenarios. I’m in no way condoning these dudes actions or saying it’s right, far from it. But you can’t set up these scenarios and not expect a possible negative outcome.

QUESTION:

I meet guys in the club and they keep turning out to be jerks. Some of my friends want to hook me up with people they’ve dated. What am I doing wrong? And is it okay to date guys associated with my friends?

ANSWER:

I think you need to readjust your dating criteria, locations, scene, or something, because these dudes you meet are not winners. The club is not the place to find something serious! Personally, I don’t try to hit on females, friends, family, etc., unless they’re trying to hook me up. And even then most times I don’t feel comfortable with it. I don’t hook up with my boys exes, past hook ups, or even chicks that they’ve tried to hit on and failed. There’s way too many females to be limited. Change up your scene and you may see something different.

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