Random Q & A (Part VII)

Q: Does that make a girl look too easy if she doesn’t wait til being official and is messing around before that?

A: Doesn’t need to be any titles to mess around. Some girls are freaks. But if a girl would mess around on the first date. It’s a red flag. If you don’t want to seen as a red flag, I recommend you wait until the 4th or 5th date.

Q: I have a girl friend that doesn’t want to introduce me to her son and daughter. Is that awkward?

A: I totally understand where she’s coming from. For single parents, bringing a child into the picture is difficult. Some single parents are not that protective, then there are some who are overprotective. Reasons for being overprotective could be they don’t to introduce several different people in their lives who aren’t gonna stay, bad experiences in the past, or not to confuse their kids. Don’t take it personally, that’s just her parenting style.
Q: The guy I’m talking to just told me he smokes weed everyday.
A: Yeah. No bueno. I’ve know guys who have done that. And if he really wants help to chill he should go to the psych and gets meds prescribed. Weed is the readily available and non-regulated version of anti-depressants! And it really is the gateway to other hard core drugs! Ask him if he does other drugs every once in a while. If he says yeah, walk away girl.

Posted using Tinydesk Writer iPhone app



QUESTION: My girlfriend and I and our daughter just came back from NYC and it was a nightmare. I’m exhausted because I had to spend the last 3 days trying to get her get out of the psych ER there, not to mention it was worse since it fell around Sept 11th. I’ve been dealing with her depression for the last 2 years since we met at an AA meeting. I don’t know if I can do it anymore. It’s like she’s not getting better. It’s especially worse now cause we have our daughter and my girlfriend is diagnose with postpartum depression. Before she got pregnant, we were always partying together, drinking, and doing drugs. She got pregnant and she stopped. She was fine til the end and the ob/gyn told us that she needed to be on anti-depressants. We worried about her being on it while she was pregnant but the doctor mentioned it may be worse should she hurt herself. She never got on it, but now I see why she needs it. How do I help her? Should I leave? This is too much drain on me and what about our daughter?

ANSWER: You are in a very tough spot there. It’s not your responsibility to handle her mental health, but you can be there to support her. And if you’re worn out now, you may want to leave now. It will take a toll on her emotions, but if you’re not in it for the long run, then you might as well quit now. She will have this mental health issue the rest of her life and right now, it’s apparent that she’s still got an uphill climb. You can’t force her to fight her mental health problems, but you can encourage her in every way. That is where you’re going to have to be strong and consistent. I know you want her better, especially since you guys have a child, but you can’t force her. You can encourage her to get on meds, research and better understand her illness so you can be supportive and recognize the symptoms along with her behavior. You’re in it for the long haul should you go forward and you should decide now for the benefit of your all of you in your family. But if you leave her, don’t leave behind your daughter, she will need you, as well as her mom, more than ever. You’re in a tough spot but if you’re up for it, go for it. If not, bow out, she deserves to have someone there to support her fully, you don’t want your relationship to add to the difficulties. Good luck and don’t forget it happens to a lot of us, you just don’t know. But with the right meds, support and therapy, she can be back on top possibly stronger than ever! 911 for 911. You gotta up your care for the tough things in life. Nobody ever said life was easy!

She was raped

Q: Five months ago, I received one of the most disturbing and intense calls from a girl I had dated for 6 months. From the sound of her voice, I knew something was up. She was generally a happy person and to hear her nervous and in disarray was concerning. I was worried about her, even though she had cut things off, I still cared about her. I probed her and probed until she finally told me. She had gone out with some co-workers the previous night and was date raped by one of the guys. I didn’t force her to go into details, I just wanted to be there for her. She was a beautiful, confident, smart girl. I didn’t know what was going to happen after this, from what I could tell already her world was turned upside down. Then she asked me something that I said yes to without really thinking through the possible implications. She asked me to go to the hospital with her so she could report the rape and do the rape kit. The ‘rape kit’ term was a little disturbing, like this was something as common as having a ‘first aid kit’ or a starter kit for a new business. I was nervous about the whole thing, but she was trusting and confiding in me. She was new to town, so the few friends she had and her brother were all out together bowling. She didn’t want to alarm everyone or be asked questions, so she had chosen to call me. I picked her up and we headed to the hospital together. I sat there watching her go through this rape kit and all I wanted to do was help her and be there for her. I didn’t want her to think no man would ever want her again. I stayed with her most of the night and brought her home. She was afraid to be alone and didn’t want me to leave her, I assured her I’d be back the next few days since I was off. Plus, her brother would be home soon and she wouldn’t be alone. The next few days were amazing, we bonded in a way we never did when we were dating. I felt like I was her protector, a feeling I had never felt with her before because she was so independent. I knew she was vulnerable after what had just happened, but there was still that part of me that made me want to make her feel like she was still wanted. So, when the moment came where we were so passionate, it was intense. It was nothing like any of the times before. I wavered and we had sex. She seemed happy and was very passionate, more than I had ever seen her. That’s how it’s been this whole time up until last week. Last week, she was rushed to the hospital to get her stomach pumped from drinking too much while she was on her antidepressants. The doctors were concerned for her well-being, but I reassured them it was just an accident, not typical of her. Then 2 days later, she overdosed on some codeine pills she had from her surgery earlier that month. This time, they kept her and admitted her into the psych ER. I had never had anything like this happen to me, I lived a pretty easy life without any traumatic events, so I had no idea what was going on. I visited her in the ER, and she smiled a little smile. We talked for a few minutes and then she told me she couldn’t see anymore and didn’t think it was a good idea to continue dating. She told me she had a lot of healing and issues to deal with on her own and didn’t want to drag me in nor had the energy to give me anything. I was crushed, I really loved her and wanted to stay with her regardless of all the things that happened. She made me feel needed and wanted, more than I had ever felt in my life. And now, I sit here while she’s still in the psych ER and I don’t know what to do. Do I let her go? Do I stay? What should I do? She means a lot to me.

A: I am so sorry to hear this. Unfortunately, these date rapes occur more often than people think. http://www.rainn.org/statistics You are dating a very brave guy for her to come out about the rape and report it, get tested and the whole nine yards. And I admire you for also being brave enough to go through it with her. BUT, the situation is becoming something bigger than you can handle. She is right that it is a fight she has to have on her own, only she can have the mental strength to fight the damage that the rape has done. Most people think the worst part of the rape is the physical act but in all reality it’s the psychological damage done by having their body used as a weapon against themselves (for date rapes, that is, different story for rapes committed by a stranger). I encourage you to learn more about rape and how to handle the situation, RAINN is a national organization rape awareness group. It’s a good place to start: http://www.rainn.org/get-help/help-a-loved-one Unfortunately, I have to say although you love this girl, you have to respect her issues to separate. The one thing that is lost for a victim of rape is the sense of control, someone had used their body for their own intentions and took control of it, subjecting it to the sexual act they wanted. If you deny her request to separate, you send off the message that what she says isn’t important and take away her attempt to control her life. You can be her friend, I’m pretty sure she’ll want to have you around as her friend as she has had you around since day 1. But, the swiftness of how quickly you guys got sexually involved is concerning. She was pretty vulnerable at that point and like alcohol or a drug, the sex probably soothed her pain. She can’t depend on you like that, she also made it obvious that she was a lot of pain she’s trying to mask (or heal in her eyes) by overdosing on codeine. She needs help and right now, and the help she needs is from a therapist, psychiatrist, etc. She needs professionals who are trained in this and take care of it on a frequent basis. What she needs from you is support. Be by her side to listen, to encourage, and to be trusted. You can do all these things without being intimate with her if you love her like you say you do. In this situation, love isn’t about building a relationship, it’s loving her through the situation, empowering her and giving her what she needs to heal. Both of you have a long road ahead of you, it behooves you to educate yourself on the subject and understand her and what you can do. I truly am sorry to hear this, no one should ever be forced to give up control of their body for something they don’t want. I’ve seen a lot of women forever changed negatively by rape. If you can support her and she can stand on her own 2 feet to fight to take back the control of her life she lost, life may be forever changed. But she can learn to make a new life and overcome this terrible experience. Good luck to both of you, you’ve been handed one of the most traumatic experiences, an experience that no one wants to talk about. Don’t give up on her, if she’s as strong as you say she is, then she can heal. But know that it takes time, and you should be prepared for the long haul as a friend.

Taking the life out of me

Q: I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years now and we are now, unexpectedly 6 months pregnant. Last week, the most unbelievable and heart wrenching thing happened. I’m so embarassed and ashamed to say this. I’m a very accomplished pediatrician and have always considered myself to be smart, but a few nights ago, my boyfriend came home from a night out with friends. He was telling me about his brother who had gone to jail for some unpaid tickets and how we should get him out. But, I argued with him (he was drunk) and said I wouldn’t pay again for a 3rd time for either of them to get out of jail. He started raging, I gently touched his face and he turned into a monster. As I touched his face, he threw me on the side of the bed and grasped for my throat, and started choking me. It felt like a dream and I had a chance to get up and I ran, I ran in circles around the house as he chased me and he finally cornered me in the kitchen. And with one last grab at my throat, he choked me so hard and long I started to feel the life fade from me, and before I was about to lose consciousness, he let go and fell to the floor. Once he fell to the floor he started asking us to pray. I told him he was effing crazy and retreated to the bedroom. I stayed up all night and skipped work the next day. I didn’t think alcohol would do this and I knew he was with one of his childhood friends notorious for being a druggie. I thought maybe his friend had slipped something in his drink. And as I sat down at my computer to start to write an email, I saw his email open. And that’s when I found it, an email talking about meeting to get some meth from a dealer. I dug through his email box and saw that the emails had been going on for the last year and a half. I remember I had a friend telling me that meth made people delusional and paranoid, sometimes violent. We’re going to have a child together and he’s told me he wants to marry me and for all of us to be a family. He was so apologetic after everything happened with flowers, cards, and gifts (he didn’t know I knew about the meth). I’m so scared to raise our child alone, but I know what he did wasn’t right. What should I do?

A: Wow, darling, you need to seek some help from a counselor or domestic violence shelter. Here is a link for understanding domestic violence: http://www.thehotline.org/get-educated/what-is-domestic-violence/ I noticed you only called it ‘choking’ and a ‘thing’ that happened. You should not be afraid to admit what you went through was domestic violence. From your message, I’m guessing it’s the first time this has happened, but one time is one time too many. You are a doctor, you understand the ethics of helping people and not injuring another. There is psychological and emotional damage for what happened to you. On top of that, he’s hurting you while you’re carrying HIS child. You almost died, and along with your possible death would have been your child’s. I would look into a restraining order, if he’s been on meth that long, there’s no telling when he’ll come around again and possibly commit a violent act against you again. I know you naturally love the guy, you’ve been together for a while and you’re carrying his child, but love doesn’t do what he did. He has a drug problem and he needs help, above all else. Before he can even begin to take care of himself or his child, he needs to own up to his problem. And honey, you can’t be the one to tell him he has a problem, he has to admit it himself. This guy has lied to you for the last year and a half while he’s been on this addictive drug. Love is based on trust, not deceit or lies. You need to run, not walk, away from this guy. He’s got serious issues and those issues will take down all of you, truthfully it almost took you and your child down physically. Make a break while you can, the sooner, the better. Good luck.

%d bloggers like this: