Random Q & A (Part IX)

QUESTION

I am really into this guy I’ve been dating and we’ve been holding out so we can just take it slow. Now we’re talking about making the plunge. I’ve never waited this long for a guy I’ve been dating, will it totally change everything or screw it up.

ARIANA

You’re absolutely right, sex is definitely a part of life. It’s also an important component in relationships, not the most important component, but still important. I think putting too much emphasis on sex also demonstrates maturity. Only through experience, growth, discipline, and maturity can you honestly appreciate the importance of finding the right person. Which is totally different than experiencing it from a selfish standpoint and only being concerned on fulfilling a basic need. Everyone’s different though. How it changes will depend on how strong your intimate bond is and how true your feelings are for each other.

SLICK RICK

The important thing is the fact that you have BOTH been talking about holding off on ‘taking the plunge’. It Lol. Yes. A stretch. Laying on ur back with legs spread is a stretch. I’ll add that to my stretch down workout. U can do whatever u want to me, the pleasure is worth the temporary pain. This is a big step that both of you have been taking together. Doing this makes sure you have a strong relationship that isn’t solely based on sex. While sex is natural and important in relationships, it is not the most important physical aspect. You must be sure you and your partner are at a stable point in your relationship. So that you’re able to take the next step, without it causing any issues. Everyone’s relationship is different, so it is difficult to say whether it will cause repercussions, if you do engage in sex. The safest way to guarantee that you are ready is to discuss sex with your partner. Be sure you are both ready before taking the plunge. If only one of you is truly ready, it may create instability in the relationship.
QUESTION

The girl I’ve been dating and I have been messing around the last several weeks. We never went all the way because she told me she wanted to wait on that, so I waited. But last night, we were very intimate and I was getting mixed signals for her. So, I decided to go for it. The next morning, she stormed out of my apartment and told me ‘you should find another girl for sex’, as she stormed out. I feel really bad and she won’t respond to my texts or calls. I apologized but just ignored me.

ARIANA
It’s a good thing you apologized, but if she can’t accept your sincerity, then she lost out on a great guy who really cares for her. You’re human, people make mistakes, especially guys in moments of weakness. If she can’t accept that, she’s got a lot to learn that you can’t teach her by yourself. Give her a few days to calm down and have a conversation with her. She probably may have overreacted, so you should talk things over.

SLICK RICK

Honestly, that is a tough decision you decided to make in the heat of the moment. I can’t say I blame you because it is difficult to interpret signals in the heat of the moment. It sounds like your heart and mind are in the right frame of mind and she isn’t just a ‘booty call’. My question to you is, ‘how much did you two discuss waiting before engaging in sex’? I know when some women say ‘I want to wait’, they mean they want to wait a little while. They want to get to know you and feel out the relationship before just getting down to ‘business’. While still others mean ‘I truly am waiting for marriage’. I know it may be hard to believe, but there really are some women who are still are very traditional. These women truly want to be married before having sex. I have no idea whether your lady friend is that type of woman or not. But, if she is, she might think you didn’t respect her enough to wait. From what it sounds like, you seem to be a decent, respectable guy and she simply overreacted. My best advice is to give her a day of space to cool off and then give her a call to explain your side to her. Make sure you also give her a chance to express her side as well. If she wants to ‘wait’ for marriage, you have to decide if that’s what you want. If it is what you want, express that to her and see how she feels. If she continues to give you grief, get upset about it, won’t take your calls, it might be time to explore other options unfortunately.

QUESTION
I’m so sick of seeing my ex-boyfriend get everything he wants. He is a charmer and is very good looking so he always finds a way to get what he wants. He’s dumb as a doornail, but happens to attract nice, good looking women, like me. Women that he can’t take care of or appreciate. And I’m sick of watching it. I’ve had so many hardships the last 10 years and his life is so easy. Why do people get off so easy and spoiled?

ARIANA

You can’t only blame the spoiled person for getting what they want. You also have to blame the people giving the spoiled person what they want. That’s just not being realistic and honest with yourself by blaming them. If I was hurt by someone I can’t only blame them if I continue to let them hurt me. People have a tendency to take the easy way out and place the blame on someone else but people only do what you allow them to. If you don’t like it, don’t put up with it, and don’t give them what they don’t deserve.

SLICK RICK
Unfortunately, the way of the world is easier for some than others. Some people have all the luck, whether it be in the dating world, job searches, etc. It may be a hard pill to swallow, but you have to try your best to ignore those types of individuals. And instead surround yourself with people that share the same interests as you. If you spend your time dwelling that your ex ‘has it so easy’, you will always be stooping to his level. And you will never be able to rise above him and his ways. I’m not sure if he broke up with you in the relationship or vice versa, but think of it this way — ‘if you broke it off with him, you already have risen above his standards. That makes you smarter than those that he is currently duping right now. If he broke up with you, it is better that you are not with him, especially since he doesn’t know how to handle you anyway.

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Yelling and Yanking

QUESTION:

I broke up with my ex-boyfriend about 3 months ago because he just wasn’t treating me well.  He no longer complimented me, disrespected me all the time, and was always hiding his phone from me.  We had been dating for about 5 years.  The past couple weeks we’ve been hanging out again.  We were hanging out at his apartment last week when I got a phone call from my cousin.  I stepped out on the balcony to take the call.  My ex-boyfriend overheard me call him a jerk and he yanked me back into his apartment.  He started yelling at me telling that I was disrespecting me in his place and started calling me stupid.  I argued back with him and then he said, ‘You better stop before I choke you and slap you.’  I came to a dead stop and was scared.  I made some excuse and left after that.  He’s never been like that in the 5 years I was with him.  I don’t know what to do with him anymore.  Should I continue trying to get back together?  Some of my friends say I should leave him.  What should I do?

ARIANA:

Without a doubt, you should stop, turn around and walk away.  He threatened you and whether he meant it or not, you should be concerned.  A man that really loves you will not disrespect you by saying those things.  He was also yanking you into the apartment.  A person who cares about you won’t lay a hand on you, but will instead ask you politely to come in.  No one gets respect when they try to force someone.  And I take it from your talk about the yelling, that this may have been a common thing in your relationship.  That is not healthy at all.  Disagreements and being upset is common a relationship, yelling is not.  That is a very toxic point to be in a relationship when people are being disrespected and understanding is just a mere word.  You’re most likely not able to fix this relationship, but you should learn from this and know that fighting to where no one is listening will never lead to understanding.  Make sure the next person you’re with deeply cares for you, is at a healthy point in his life, and really listens to you.  No relationship will survive without it. 

Random Q & A (Part VIII)

QUESTION:  I have been dating a girl for 3 months now that I really care about.  She met my parents on Easter weekend, but I haven’t met her parents.  Her mom went into ER this morning and I’m not sure what to do.  I want to help or visit, just not sure. 

ANSWER: You should ask her, say something like, ‘I really care for you and am supportive of your mom and family.  I’ll help any way I can. If you want me to be there with you in ER, I can. But I also don’t want to intrude on a family crisis. Just tell me what you’d like from me during this time and I’ll do what I can.’  Of course modify to say what’s comfortable for you. 

QUESTION:  An ex-boyfriend of mine is getting out of the military.  He wants my son and I to live with him.  He says he will support us.  How do I know it’s the right thing to do?

ANSWER: First off, you should ask yourself several questions. Does he respect you? Do you trust him? Do you care about him a lot? What will he hold over your head for supporting you? And what would be expected of you (cleaning, cooking, etc).  How will he treat your son? What happens if you get pregnant again (the likelihood is higher when you live together)? Are you ready to be faithful to one person (possibly for the rest of your life) and stop looking for other guys? What qualities would make him a good husband?  What are his future plans?  Marriage?  Cohabitating?  Or even he doesn’t know?  Also, unrelated to moving, but still significant, he’s an ex-boyfriend for a reason.  You may want to ponder that.   

QUESTION:  I’ve been dating a guy who just moved to the area last year and we’ve been dating for a month.  His parents are coming next week.  Should I expect to meet his parents?  Or does this mean he doesn’t even take me seriously to want to introduce me?

ANSWER:  Slow down killah!  You said a month?  Honestly, you shouldn’t expect serious things to happen in that month.  If he wants to introduce you, that’s fine.  That’s not a bad sign, just make sure you’re prepared.  But, on the flip side, you should definitely not expect to meet his family this early on.  That’s a big step and I’m sure he would want to be sure your relationship is at a healthy, stable place.  No one wants to introduce a boyfriend/girlfriend who is just gonna be gone in a month.  Just be patient, let the relationship  takes its course.  After a while, if he doesn’t introduce you, you might want to reconsider.     

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My Boo is Not You

QUESTION:

I’m a single mom and I’ve been dating this Marine for a year. I adore the guy and would do anything for him. I would support him through deployments, take care of him and believe and respect him. We talk about getting married soon before he gets deployed to his next duty station. My son loves him and this guy plays the fatherly role to him well. He genuinely cares for my son. He also takes care of me like a princess and thinks the world of me. He loves me for who I am and my caring nature and big heart. But now I’ve been thinking about my ex-boyfriend, my son’s dad and what will happen with him now. He hasn’t been involved in my or my son’s life for the last year. I was with him for almost 10 years and our son is 4. I’m scared this new Marine will never love my son like his dad does. Part of me feels an obligation to be with his dad but I know I would never be happy with him. My boyfriend cares for me and respects me, he always tells me how beautiful I am, he treats me like a lady and knows how much I am worth inside. My ex-boyfriend only cared about looks and never took care of me. I was with my ex for 10 years so I knew him well, I’ve only known this guy for a year. Christmas is coming up and I know my boyfriend’s probably going to propose. Is it okay to move on? Am I being fair to my son? Am I doing the right thing planning to get engaged?

ANSWER:

Baby girl, it’s time to close that door with your ex-boyfriend and not look back. You have a man who loves you and thinks the world of you. He’s there for your son and has a relationship with him. He most likely will not ever love your son in the way his father would, but he will love him differently. And even bigger, he will love you in a way that is healthy for your son to see and grow up around. Everyone deserves to be happy and to have respect, caring, and someone there for them. You gave this new guy a chance, he’s proven himself this far and you have obviously left your ex for a reason. You and your son do deserve to have an even bigger family than just you two, your son’s father had his chance to be that for you two. He obviously can’t handle the responsibility! A year is a long time to not have anything to do with your son. And honey, history and length of time don’t trump true love, respect, and admiration. This new guy obviously doesn’t want to leave your city without you and your son. If you truly love him like you say you do, believe in the love you have and trust in the guy who is right in front of you. The guy (and this goes for girls too) of the past didn’t prove himself and most likely never will. You will have a new life with this guy, nothing like a 10 yr relationship (and c’mon, you had a kid with the guy and you were together that long, he should’ve married you at some point), but probably something better. You deserve better and a fruitful love. Don’t look back girlfriend, it sounds like you have a man who will take care of y’all. As a man, that’s what he should be for you and you deserve it. It’s time for something new and the next chapter, heck the next volume in your life. There is a reason people are in our past. Merry Christmas and prepare to have the family you wanted, it’s real and it’s time has come!

Stuck in Friend Zone


Q:  I have a girl friend that I’ve been hanging out with for a while now.  We are good friends, but I really like her.  She broke up with her ex 6 months ago, so I started trying to make my move and upped my efforts.  I started asking her to dinner just she and I.  I would get her little presents for no reason or write sweet things on her FB wall.  She seemed to respond pretty well to everything.  She always said yes and was happy whenever I would do the small things for her.  I know she didn’t really get that from her ex, so I made conscious effort to do those things.  She had made several comments about it, so I wanted to stand out.  I didn’t push to rush her into anything physical.  I really liked her, so I wanted to take things slow.  It got to the point where we’d start to cuddle while watching movies and she started being more touchy with me.  Then out of nowhere she tells me that she and her ex are getting back together.  I was taken aback and surprised.  She didn’t tell me or clue me into anything of the sort.  She still calls me and acts the same, but I’m not sure what to do.  I’ve met her boyfriend/ex/whatever and he’s a good guy.  So, it’s not a situation where I’m angry she’s going back to a guy who mistreats her.  But, I’m not sure if I should still be friends with her.  Should I continue the friendship or just let our friendship fizz?

A:  Okay, ask yourself these questions:

1.  Can I really be totally just friends with this girl with NO expectations of more?
2.  Can I be friends without getting in the way of her relationship or trying to sabotage it?
3.  Can I live without her friendship?
4.  Does she have friends she could eventually introduce me to?  (Yes, I know, sounds shady, but just like business, dating is about networking and getting your name and face out there.  Only difference is that your product is yourself).
5.  Is it worth the effort to stay friends with her?
6.  Am I okay with the fact that now that she’s in a relationship I’ll have less contact with her?
7 . Can I really play the friend role to her and possibly listen to her guy problems without getting jealous and stay unbiased without bashing her boyfriend?
8.  What is my motivation for wanting to be friends?

Only you know these answers and what your friendship with her means and what you can handle.

My personal opinion for me, is that I would not remain friends with the guy on an active basis.  I wouldn’t cancel the friendship, but I would never want their significant other to feel uncomfortable and question my friendship with the guy or my intentions.  I wouldn’t want someone to do that to me, so I wouldn’t do it to someone else.  The optimal situation, I think, and one of the best friendships that I’ve ever had is to be friends with BOTH parties.  This is a really nonconventional way to go about it and most people can’t handle it.  But if you’re open-minded, honest, and have good intentions, you’ll find that not only will you have a kick ass girl friend who most likely has a kick ass boyfriend, (well if he’s an asshole, that’s a different story, but in this case you said he’s cool) you’ll have a kick ass guy friend too.  Otherwise, if that’s not you, then move on, there’s plenty of girl friends you can have without the uncomfortableness of the girl friend having a boyfriend.  And, hold tight, if you know you’re made to marry, there’s a girl out there.  Just keep living, looking, and have thick skin, there’s a lot of 3 eyed fish you have to sift through in the sea!  😉;-)

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