Pimping Deadlines

QUESTION:

I am so fed up with dating.  I broke up with an abusive boyfriend of 5 years last year.  And I have been on a rampage.  I haven’t really been looking for anything in particular, but all I have is bad luck.  All I seem to find is guys who could care 2 sh&ts about me.  I had never experienced such deep passion and intimacy as I did with my previous boyfriend.  So, the only goal I really had was to prove to myself that I could experience that with someone else and that abusive boyfriend was not the ‘one’ for me.  I met guys everywhere–the mall, nightclubs, bars, through friends, Facebook, etc. through most of the year.  And none of it was intimate like it was with him.  I finally met one where it was full of intimacy and passion, but that one night we slept together was about all we had.  After that, he was a complete jerk and lead me on for the next couple months.  I was so jaded by the whole situation, I scrubbed my entire phone of guys I had met.  I scrubbed 30 numbers.  I had no idea I had talked and dated so many guys.  I vowed to myself that I was done with that lifestyle.  I cut everything off with every single guy I was dating then.  And I took myself off the market.  I needed a lot of reflection time, I’m a sweet, innocent girl, I didn’t want what any of those guys had to offer.  All I had wanted was just to have fun and it wasn’t fun anymore.  So, for a few weeks, I just kept it low key.  Then, we went out to the club one night and my BFF’s twin who had moved back was with us.  I had never met him before, he was working in Hawaii, so we never had a chance to meet.  He was shy, had a cute smile, was really intelligent based on our conversation, and we had a spark when we started dancing.  We gave me his number and I decided to message him.  He just messaged me and messaged me right after another.  He would write 4 screens worth of messages.  He didn’t hold anything back.  A couple days after the club, he asked me if I wanted to go to the mall.  We went there and ate, had a great team.  When it was time for me to get out of the car, he leaned in and kissed me a few times.  I was mesmerized, but that night after some thought, I realized I was still jaded.  I didn’t want to date.  I’m thinking about cutting things off before they start so I’m true to my ‘reflection’ time.  Am I making a mistake?  If you felt that instant connection with someone, should you go after it?

SLICK RICK:

This is quite a predicament you are in.  On one hand, I completely understand why you feel jaded and completely against wanting to date or engage in a relationship with someone new.  After countless times of heartache and disappointment, you probably have the thought that he would just be ‘another typical guy’. I know this is quite confusing and pretty frustrating, but never fear, Slick Rick is here!

I have been in your shoes before when it comes to being completely against going out with someone new.  In your experience, you had an abusive jerk that treated you like garbage and probably didn’t deserve a second of your time anyway. I do have a question for you. Just for clarification, the guy that was abusive to you…was he also the one that you shared the deep passion and intimacy with?  I just wanted to get a better understanding for myself as well as any others that may read this. If this is the case, the reason why your experiences with him were so intimate is because you spent the most amount of time with him. You became dependent upon him and his ways, even though you recognize that he was abusive to you. I do not know that you mean by abusive, but regardless of whether it was physical, mental, or emotional; any type of abuse is WRONG.

Before I really get in depth, I want you to understand that I am not a psychologist or doctor of any kind, but simply a man with advice. If he has physically abused you, I suggest you report it to the police.  Ok, now back to your first situation. After spending nearly five years with a person, it is natural to compare anyone new to how your ex treated you physically, mentally, affectionately, ect.  If this guy had you thinking that his ‘stuff’ was the best there is out there because of his abuse, it can take serious time to recover from such a devastating experience.  Now I have no idea how your intimate lifestyle was with the guy or any of that, but if you say it was ‘the best’ then I will take your word for it.  I do want to ask what made him the best? If a person could treat you so wrongly, how is it that he is anything but a jackass?

I want to make it clear to you as well as any other reader; having these feelings towards the new men you meet is not your fault. It sounds like you tried to get back in the game after breaking up with your ex, and unfortunately, you have found out that many guys are jerks. It can be difficult meeting new guys whether it be on Facebook, through friends, going out to bars/clubs, ect.  You said that once you realized that you were not happy, you ended up deleting 30 names/numbers.  I think this is good that you took a step back and analyzed the lifestyle you were leading and did not like the person you were or were becoming.  If you are not truly happy with who you are, it will be impossible to find happiness with anyone or to even try to engage in a relationship. Taking time away from others to have personal reflection is very important to gaining your sanity, especially from a bad relationship and then from other terrible dating situations.

I personally think it is good that you have met your BFF’s twin and the two of you had a good time meeting one another.  You had a chance to see him multiple times and he even made you have that special feeling that you have been longing to have by treating you the way you deserve to be treated.  This is where things are going to get a little difficult and only you can answer these questions.

Have you fully recovered from your abusive relationship enough to trust another man to not treat you that way? You are the only one who knows when you have truly recovered from that traumatic experience. If you haven’t recovered, then I suggest you take it easy before you get too far involved with this guy. So far it sounds like you really enjoy his company and him being around though.

How comfortable do you feel around him? Do you feel like you can be open with him or do you feel reserved?  The reason I ask these questions is because I once met a girl that had just got out of a physically abusive relationship.  The girl would literally jump back when I would try to hug her or show any affection and it scared me half to death because I thought it was something I was doing.  I confronted her about this because if it was me, I wanted to know what I was doing wrong.  She then explained to me she had a previous boyfriend hit her often and verbally abused her, so she was afraid of men.  After hearing this, I felt it was my duty as a man (especially one that liked her), to show her that not all men are that way.  I didn’t pressure her to talk to me, but when she did open up, it made her feel much more at ease about being around me and understanding that not all me were like her ex-boyfriend.  So my advice with this is if you do feel like you are at a comfortable enough stage in your reflection time period, you may want to just talk with him about your previous experience with your ex-boyfriend and some other men you have dated.  If you explain to him that you are very cautious right now about dating because of some terrible experiences you have had, he will more than likely be understanding of why you are timid rather than assuming that it is something he is doing. This will at least give him a chance to show if he has what it takes to be with you!

I would definitely say that if you had an instant connection with him, especially if you know his twin very well, that it is at least worth a chance.  I must give you a word of caution though, and this is something you will have to consider.  If you date your friend’s twin, will it change the dynamic of you and your BFF’s friendship if anything should happen to you and him if you do decide to date?  I would discuss this with your friend as well as with the guy because you wouldn’t want to ruin two relationships if something goes sour.  Aside from that, I say give it a shot…it could be the best thing that happens to you.  As always, I hope Slick Rick has been helpful! 🙂

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Booty Call

 

QUESTION:   

I’ve been friends with this guy ever since he picked up on me where I work as a bartender.  We’ve been friends for about 8 months or so.  I couldn’t ever figure out what he wanted from me.  I thought he was interested when he first asked for my number, but he never contacted me.  Instead he friended me on Facebook and we would exchange Facebook messages.  I’m an artist on the side, so he would always compliment my new pieces that I would post on Facebook.  He seemed like he really liked it.  He had sincere compliments, but they tapered off as time went by.  He would always flirt with me while I was doing my bartender gig.  We would always text message at night when we were out and about.  He sent me a text message to come over at 4am multiple times to ‘hang out’.  After a while he started doing that more often.  I asked him what kind of girl he thought I was and he just said he wanted to hang out.  One night I saw him out, and he bought all of my drinks.  I was feeling a little vulnerable because of an incident earlier with the guy I was dating, plus I had a few drinks.  We ended up kissing that night.  It’s been almost a week and haven’t heard from him.  What should I do?  What I keep letting our interaction continue?  Or should I just be on the friendship level?  Or should I even be friends at all?         

ARIANA:

It really looks like you’re reaching to put together a story for something meaningful with this guy.  And yes, it is definitely time to end this ‘interaction’.  One of the biggest reasons that the chances of dating are pretty much nil is that he texts you at 4am.  Who does that?  I don’t even send texts to family or friends that hour.  You know who does send messages that hour, are usually people looking for a booty call.  Most times if it’s 4am, they’ve probably been out and have less inhibition, giving them a more likely chance to make that booty call.  It doesn’t even sound like he’s taking you out on a real date, either.  If he’s not interested in spending time in daylight hours and spending money on you, most likely at best you’re a friend or the other extreme is friends with benefits.  If you’re down for ‘friends with benefits’, then by all means, get your fix.  Otherwise, just end any kind of friendship.  I mean, the guy kissed you and can’t even return a call after that.  That’s suspect.  Find someone else who really cares for you and wants your time, ’cause you’re not getting that here.

Random Q & A (Part I, Updated)

Hey, we’re all about change. And if you feel like trying it out, do it! Who knows where it could go? That’s the exact reason we’re just putting some random Q & A we’ve gotten from our readers. I mean, some are mundane, but really, it seems that somehow our brains go on shut down as to what to do in our dating lives. Trust me, we’ve all been there. But, be entertained, get some suggestions, or just throw rocks at us, we can handle it! And, here we go!!

Q: The girl I’m dating is a virgin, should I take her to a burlesque show this weekend?

ARIANA
Woah Nelly!! Would you please step up the mic again and repeat that? I’m a writer but somehow virgin + burlesque show don’t add up to anything. If anything it adds up to losing brownie points for looking like a sex crazed feen. Toss that idea out!!

RAUL:
Burlesque show with a virgin……just might be crazy enough to work! If she’s into shows like that, you’re golden! And who knows, it may throw her into a different mood than you’re used to!

Q: I met a girlfriend of some of my friends last weekend and I really didn’t talk to her. Should I friend her on Facebook?

ARIANA
Just say no and that means no to super soon friend Facebook requests, not just drugs! This isn’t a race to get a Facebook friend. You have to be tactical son. If she’s friends with your friends, then just wait til next time. You don’t want to be pegged as the dude who anxiously Facebook requests girls aka almost stalkerish! Slow your game down!

RAUL
Once you friend someone on FB, you’re already opening up your lifestyle to them. And if you’re asking this kind of question, I’m guessing you spend too much time on FB anyways. I’d say keep hanging out until she’s actually a friend in real life…..remember that place? It’s what people did before Facebook!

Q: I was dancing with a guy last weekend at the club and we had a great time. I’m on sabbatical from dating, so I only offered my email. He declined and then when I went home I wasn’t sure that was the best choice. I looked him up on Facebook and found him. Should I friend him?

ARIANA:
Uh, how bout no to that one. If you missed out on an opportunity, you missed out. Chalk that up as a lesson learned. Besides, you don’t want to look like super creeper and indecisive going from email to Facebook request. You don’t want to be the girl chasing after a dude. That would be the other way around darling if you want to keep him chasing you even through marriage. And maybe you should rethink your sabbatical, opportunities come when they’re supposed to, not when it’s convenient for you.

RAUL:
Desperation looks good on no one, my friend, especially after a dance! Stick to your guns, stay on your sabbatical. And offering an email address? That’s new for me. That should show you your interest level in him. That’s why he said ‘no thanks’. No guy wants an email address. Stay away from FB hook-ups. Nothing good comes from Facebook. I heard it’s the spawn of Satan!

Q: I’ve been dating this girl for 2 months, what should I get her for Valentine’s? She’s not very sentimental.

ARIANA
Throw out the heart shaped boxes with candy and teddy bears. Please no!! My past teddy bears from guys of the past are chew toys for my dog. Saved me money on dog toys, but barf the effect on Valentine’s. I would be digging on some pink stilettos. Just sayin. Okay, really, some generic things for girls. Pretty much 90% of girls will take an hour massage, manicure, pedicure, and a shopping spree is always nice (of course, set a limit on that bad boy). Of course, anything having to deal with her interests would be good like photography, books, painting, sports, etc. Study her and her interests, go from there. A gift from the heart is better than a cookie cutter Vday present any day.

RAUL:
Two months isn’t long enough to be sentimental, which may play into your favor here. No chocolates, roses, or flowers should be on your list. You need to find something that’s going to set you apart, but not be over the top
. Do a little research of events that are around that day. You can even look in surrounding cities like Mobile or Biloxi. There’s always fun stuff to do there. Her gift doesn’t necessarily need to be on that day, maybe tickets to an upcoming show would work. That way, you get to enjoy the gift too! And maybe a nice dinner is even an option too!.

Alter Ego


QUESTION:

I’ve been dating a girl for 3 months now and I just found out that she’s not who she says is. When I first met her, she would only give me her Facebook account. I thought it was odd that she wouldn’t give me her number, but I just went with it. After a few days she finally gave me her number. We hit it off and have been spending a few days a week together. She hasn’t introduced me to her family or her daughter yet, but she says that she’s really into me. We happened to go shopping one day and when I grabbed her bags out of the car, her receipt fell out. I couldn’t believe it, but it wasn’t her name on there. I mean, not the same first or last name. So, I went back over her Facebook and noticed she didn’t have more than 30 friends on there. Who has that small amount of friends? And then I did a search for her phone number and found out that it wasn’t even under her name, but a different one from the receipt. And then, on top of that, she accidentally called me from her real number which she’s hid from me this whole time. I have no idea who I’m dealing with and I’m tempted to cut it off because obviously she’s been lying to me from day one. Should I confront her? What should I say? Why would someone lie about their name?

ANSWER:

Are you sure she’s a real person? Haha, I kid I kid. The old me would’ve told you to kick her to the curb and say you didn’t want anymore. But, I ran into a similar situation with a guy once and well, it opened my eyes. Lying is lying and lying is not cool. I’ll agree with you on that 100%. But for whatever reason, and this is rare, but it does happen. Some people don’t want you to know their real identity from the get go, whether it’s because they’re hiding something, they’re protecting themselves, hiding from a psychotic ex, or a number of other reasons. You definitely have to confront her on this. It’s been 3 months, and I would think you would have earned enough right to know the truth. She’s carried the charade on too long. But, before you do, don’t jump to any conclusions and keep an open mind on this. If you go in flaring with accusations, you’re liable to feel like an ass when you find out the real reason. So, just go in thinking you’re going to understand her as you would any other situation. If you find out the truth, you can then decide if it’s worth continuing on with her. And, I think 3 months is still soon to meet the family. Obviously, for one, you’re not even supposed to know her real name. For two, some people want to be sure you’re going to be around before they start introducing you to family members, especially single parents. Single parents usually want to protect their child. So, back to confronting her, you may think I’m making light of the situation, but I’m not. I’m just saying that you just need to find out and don’t overanalyze or overthink it. You may find out you lose out on a great girl whose just has privacy issues. And who knows, maybe she’s a celebrity. And in that case, don’t forget the little people like me!

Stuck in Friend Zone


Q:  I have a girl friend that I’ve been hanging out with for a while now.  We are good friends, but I really like her.  She broke up with her ex 6 months ago, so I started trying to make my move and upped my efforts.  I started asking her to dinner just she and I.  I would get her little presents for no reason or write sweet things on her FB wall.  She seemed to respond pretty well to everything.  She always said yes and was happy whenever I would do the small things for her.  I know she didn’t really get that from her ex, so I made conscious effort to do those things.  She had made several comments about it, so I wanted to stand out.  I didn’t push to rush her into anything physical.  I really liked her, so I wanted to take things slow.  It got to the point where we’d start to cuddle while watching movies and she started being more touchy with me.  Then out of nowhere she tells me that she and her ex are getting back together.  I was taken aback and surprised.  She didn’t tell me or clue me into anything of the sort.  She still calls me and acts the same, but I’m not sure what to do.  I’ve met her boyfriend/ex/whatever and he’s a good guy.  So, it’s not a situation where I’m angry she’s going back to a guy who mistreats her.  But, I’m not sure if I should still be friends with her.  Should I continue the friendship or just let our friendship fizz?

A:  Okay, ask yourself these questions:

1.  Can I really be totally just friends with this girl with NO expectations of more?
2.  Can I be friends without getting in the way of her relationship or trying to sabotage it?
3.  Can I live without her friendship?
4.  Does she have friends she could eventually introduce me to?  (Yes, I know, sounds shady, but just like business, dating is about networking and getting your name and face out there.  Only difference is that your product is yourself).
5.  Is it worth the effort to stay friends with her?
6.  Am I okay with the fact that now that she’s in a relationship I’ll have less contact with her?
7 . Can I really play the friend role to her and possibly listen to her guy problems without getting jealous and stay unbiased without bashing her boyfriend?
8.  What is my motivation for wanting to be friends?

Only you know these answers and what your friendship with her means and what you can handle.

My personal opinion for me, is that I would not remain friends with the guy on an active basis.  I wouldn’t cancel the friendship, but I would never want their significant other to feel uncomfortable and question my friendship with the guy or my intentions.  I wouldn’t want someone to do that to me, so I wouldn’t do it to someone else.  The optimal situation, I think, and one of the best friendships that I’ve ever had is to be friends with BOTH parties.  This is a really nonconventional way to go about it and most people can’t handle it.  But if you’re open-minded, honest, and have good intentions, you’ll find that not only will you have a kick ass girl friend who most likely has a kick ass boyfriend, (well if he’s an asshole, that’s a different story, but in this case you said he’s cool) you’ll have a kick ass guy friend too.  Otherwise, if that’s not you, then move on, there’s plenty of girl friends you can have without the uncomfortableness of the girl friend having a boyfriend.  And, hold tight, if you know you’re made to marry, there’s a girl out there.  Just keep living, looking, and have thick skin, there’s a lot of 3 eyed fish you have to sift through in the sea!  😉;-)

Text message date


Q: This is total role reversal and I’m not sure what to do. I hang out at a local bar in town and I met a kick ass girl. She seemed cool enough to chill and get to know, so we exchanged phone numbers and . We never really hung out after that, but we would see each other at the bar all the time. She would be friendly and strike up a conversation with me. I thought that was cool and interesting because most girls freak out that I don’t follow the standard ‘dating’ guidelines and call them 2 days later and yada yada. I’m a nice guy and I like to get to know girls before I actually take them on a ‘date’. I’ve ran into way too many psychos going out with them a few days after getting their number. I was traumatized by the last girl because she brought her 6 yr old son along and he called me daddy the whole time while he threw all the silverware on the floor. He screamed and jumped on the table while my ‘date’ let him. I don’t have a kid, but man, that one was way out of control. At the end of the night, she told me she had such a great time. I’m not even sure how she could’ve possibly had such a great time, I was the worst date as I just stared at her child in disbelief while she talked away. Later on that night, she sent me a text saying she thought we were really made for each other. Of course, I freaked out and never replied. Well, after that, she would message me 10 times a day saying how much she missed me and when we could see each other again. Needless to say, I was traumatized and vowed to never take a girl out after I just got her number a few days before. Anyhow, my team was in the NBA playoffs and the kick ass girl from the bar knew I was a fanatic about the team. So surprisingly, she sent me a message on FB asking where I was going to watch the game one night. I was ecstatic, I always thought it was cool when a girl was brave enough to be the one asking. So I told her I would be at that bar we met at. She said she was down too. I asked her when she would get there and she told be late for the 1st quarter, but she’d be there 7:30 – 8:00ish, so I told her to message me when she gets there. So, while I was watching the game at home waiting to hear from her, 8:00 rolled in, no text and I passed out. I woke back up at 8:30, nothing. Again at 9:15, still nothing. Finally at 10:00 she sends me a text saying she’s on her way. I was so irritated she totally took 2 hours to meet up, I just ignored her text. I headed there anyways with some other friends and saw her. She smiled at me, so it was hard to be mad at her and then I burst out, ‘You totally dissed me, why the heck did you show up here at 10 and not 8’. She looked puzzled and said ‘Oh my gawd, I didn’t know this was like a let’s meet meet at this time, I thought you were just going to be up here. I got caught up watching the Lakers game’. She smiled that innocent smile again, said sorry and told me she’d buy me a drink to make up for it. I let it go, but now I’m not sure whether I should ask this girl out again or what.

A: You weren’t kidding about role reversal. This girl got caught up watching the Lakers game? Dang, like TWO hours worth caught up? I’m telling you now if you end up with this girl, expect that to happen again. I mean, she sounds interested enough in you, but like most guys I know, she’ll put a game first before a guy. She may like you, but you’re going to have to play second to sports. Or either 1) become a fan of her team, 2) deal with it, or 3) become a fan of her team. Hey, I’m not a big sports person, so fighting about sports is a whole lot easier when you just give in and go with her team. Should you ask her out again? Yeah, sure, why not? I mean, she did say sorry, which is good. She was honest about why she didn’t make it, which was good. And on top of that, if that was your FIRST time making plans and you were doing it over text message, that is DESTINED to fail. Doing that makes for tons of misunderstandings. I could see both sides of this story. And besides, if it wasn’t really a ‘date date’, why the heck were you at home sleeping at 8:00. If it was a meet up the way you made it out to her, you should’ve been UP there at 8:00. Had this been the 2nd or more time you guys had met up and this happened, then I would say that wasn’t acceptable, but cut the girl some slack. Plus, it sounds like her smile’s got you in a little of a daze!! Oooh la la. If she seemed easy enough to forgive when you saw her, then I’d let it go. I said let it go, but I didn’t say forget it. Someone whose behavior is spotty like that when it comes to making plans is very unreliable. If they really wanted to impress you, they’d be on their best behavior in the beginning. That kind of behavior should at least saved for later if they have it. Hey, I’m not a supporter of bad behavior, but everybody has it in some way shape or another. You just have to decide if you’re willing to put up with it. So, NEXT time, you make plans, I suggest you use the ‘phone’ option on your phone. Typically it’s the green button on your touch screen with a phone in the middle, please see phone guide if yours is different! Reach out and touch someone. Do the what, the when, and the where. And bam, let it happen! Some people are too darn stinking cute not to give them a second chance. I’ve actually been known to give 3, 4, 5 (you get it) chances! Go Lakers!

Slow your roll

Q: I recently connected with an old group of friends. There was a new girl I befriended several months ago that I was attracted to, but I wasn’t ready to get into a new relationship or any serious dating. I’m not a forward guy, so I didn’t pursue her and we never actually exchanged numbers til recently. She got my number from our mutual friend and to my surprise she called me quite a few times in a period of a few days. I thought nothing of it because she is a friendly girl. But last weekend, we spent the whole day at a local festival with a group of friends and I found myself really curious about her. I was even more attracted to other before. I think she feels the same way since she flirts back, is affectionate with me, and occasionally brushes her hand against me. She even gave me hugs all throughout the day for no reason. I figured that was the green light and I found myself wanting to talk to her the next several days. So, I started to be more aggressive and call her, text her and FB her. I really wanted to see her again and hear from her. And a few nights ago, I text messaged her, commented on her wall on her FB, liked a bunch of photos, and sent her a few FB messages in one night. My friend told me it was too much, do you think so? And how often should I contact her?

A: Woah son. This sounds like the makings of a bad movie! Put FB away, shoot, you may even want to turn off the computer. I’m surprised you didn’t show up on her doorstep (now don’t do this now that I mentioned it, this a discouragement to show up on her doorstep unannounced). The girl isn’t disappearing tomorrow (well, hopefully not and most likely not), what’s the rush? Even if you were in a relationship with her, that’s a little much. Even couples need their space, there are other obligations people have like work, family, daily hygiene, kids, hobbies, and errands. It sounds like she’s definitely interested if she initiated getting your phone number and is flirty and touchy with you. Those are all good signs. But if she hasn’t responded to any of your forms of communication, you seriously overdid it that night. Hopefully she’s less likely to write you off than I would be! But, it’s not a total fail. Just back off a little, there isn’t anything that spells needy like someone who constantly contacts you all day or in your case ALL night. Contact her TWO or THREE times only if you haven’t heard back from her. You gotta give the girl time to respond and breathe too, by the way. I’d err on the side of caution and go with 2 most of the time. This shows you have your own life and interests. You don’t want to be THAT guy. A good rule of thumb for text message responses is that an interested person should respond within a 2 hour window (most of the time, that is). And as far as liking her posts or pictures, try not to be the FB addict and psychotic looking person, the last thing you want is for her to open her FB and have 10 or 12 notifications from solely you. Yikes! And above all, take your time, get to know the girl and let her get to know you, that’s something that can’t be rushed. After all, it is the thrill of the hunt that makes dating so fun and confusing at the same time. Relationships aren’t built overnight and just like the rest of life, the good things are worth waiting for. Patience, my man, patience and slow your roll!

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