Baby Daddy or Husband

Most couples like to enjoy themselves every now and then with physical intimacy.  It is the highest expression of your desire for another person.  But what happens when the unplanned happens and you have to face the consequences after?  Read on.

QUESTION:

I’ve been dating this guy for 4 months and I feel really strongly about him, more than any other guy before him.  He’s a real gentleman, always makes me feel safe, and truly cares for me.  He does things for me that I never imagined in a dateable guy.  He encourages me, inspires me, and is always humbly leading us, taking care of everything.  We’ve had a wonderful time dating this entire time and started being intimate last month.  Well, now we’re dealing with an unplanned pregnancy.  I already have a 3 yr old from another baby daddy, and I am embarassed as hell that I will have another baby daddy.  I truly care for him and I think he’s planning to propose next month during Christmas vacation when I visit my parents.  It’s just my gut feel.  I thought I could marry him, but then I’m scared of a ton of marriage issues.  What if he cheats on me?  Will we be financially okay?  How will he treat my 3 yr old?  How will my 3 yr old react?  He’s in the Army, so what happens when he deploys?  Will he agree with my ways of parenting?  Will I be able to run a domestic household?  I really love and care for him, but I’m scared to take that jump to marriage.  The baby daddy of my last child was horrible and did nothing for us, I was left to be mother, provider, working mom, and dad all in one.  He tells me ,he will ‘do right by me’ ,and be my side, but how do I know for sure.  Part of me just doesn’t want to get married because I’m so scared.  But, I know he’s husband material.  I’m not sure whether I want him as a baby daddy or a husband?  How do I know?  Is this natural to be this scared?  If I’m so afraid of the consequences, should I have be physically intimate with him?  What’s the best thing to do?

SLICK RICK:

To start this off, all I can say is WOW!!!  For once in my life, I have encountered an issue that required me to put a hand over my mouth, shake my head, take a deep breath and say holy crap!  Not to worry though, Slick Rick at your service.

There is a lot of emotions and scenarios involved in your situation. It has only been four months since you and your boyfriend have been together, so while it may “seem like you have known each other forever”, it is still a short amount of time. I do have some questions for you though. First, does he know about your 3 year old and the whole “other baby daddy” situation? I know it can be difficult introducing your child to a new man, especially if it doesn’t seem to be working out with him (although from the way it sounds you two are working out wonderfully). Having to continuously introduce a child to different men can become confusing and create unstability within the household; so if you haven’t introduced the two, then I completely understand your logic behind it. Second, does your boyfriend know that you are pregnant yet?  If he does, then at least he is briefed on the fact that he is about to become a father and it won’t be a total shock.  If he does not know, it would be in your best interest to inform him IMMEDIATELY.  As a man, we don’t like for bombs to be dropped in our laps at the last minute. The sooner he knows your are pregnant, the better for both of you and for numerous issues such as stress, anxiety, fear, etc…Third, why does your gut tell you he is going to propose? Has marriage even come up in discussions? I’m not knocking your ‘gut feelings’ because I get those too.  I’m just trying to understand your logic and where that idea is coming from. Four, have you met his parents, particularly his father? Not all the time, but a fair amount of the time you can gather an idea about how your guy is going to be as a husband/father based on his parents and how he is raised. Remember, this is not with EVERYONE.  Also, I hear this quite often from many women I come in contact with, (especially my girlfriend) that they only see themselves marrying someone that reminds them of THEIR OWN father. Now I’m not sure how your father is, but if he is a great man, then perhaps you could use him as a guide to judging your own man. Five, what is your living situation? Do you live together? Do you have a job as well? Do you guys both help each other pay the bills or is it ‘every man/woman for themselves’?

I know these questions may seemall over the map and random, but they each have significance in your situation. You said that he is a great guy, always encouraging you, taking care of everything, etc.  It sounds like he is a heck of a guy right off the bat.  Being in the military also helps weed out the “asshole” portion of him a lot, because the military tries to grooms assholes into intelligent, hard-working men (although that’s not always the case). It doesn’t work for all, but for many, it seems to do the trick. You also have to keep in mind, it is a good idea to remember that your last “baby daddy” was too immature to be a father, but you can’t judge your current man based on another man’s mistakes. You are with this guy for a reason, so be sure not to punish him based off of a former relationship.

Okay, I think questions 1 and 2 are pretty self explanatory as to why you should discuss these with your boyfriend. If you feel comfortable around him and that he is an earnest, hard-working, compassionate guy.  And he also treats you with the utmost dignity and respect, you should do the same for him and enlighten him about your 3 year old. If you are pregnant with his baby now, you should DEFINITELY tell him about that as well.

On to question 3, your gut tells you he is going to propose.  Let’s take it easy here.  You never want to assume anything, especially when your man is going to propose.  If you have been discussing it, then that’s one thing to get excited about it.  If it hasn’t come up in conversation at all, it is best to probably leave it be. It is best to conquer the mountain one situation at a time.  And the current situation is your unplanned pregnancy. Now remember, this is only my advice (if any others reading this have advice here feel free to jump in).  But once you break the news to him about being pregnant, that’s when you begin to ask about how it is going to work out.  You definitely don’t want to just assume that he is going to propose.  Because if he doesn’t, then you are setting yourself up for a HUGE let-down.

For most responsible men, once you tell them that you are pregnant, a sense of manhood and ownership takes control over us.  It triggers our brains to get ready to become the provider that we are meant to be. It may take him a few days or even a week to get his brain together.  But be there with him, as he will be there for you, and talk to him about everything you are thinking as far as theabout your future together. If you are worried about the money and all that keep this in mind, the military always looks out for family!  They will help with medical for you and the baby, housing, etc.  Also, if you do decide to work together on this and the military does help you guys out.  They will also do this in the event he gets deployed, as long as you are living together and have proof that he is the father (paternity test). My advice for living together is to discuss moving in to basic housing, which is provided by the military, to make your living arrangements easier for the both of you.

With question four, it’s only my interpretation and not always true. Typically when you see your significant other’s family, you get a good feel for how he is raised and what values/morals he has. Word of caution though, we all do not turn out as our parents do. Everyone is their own person, so you have to just feel him out and see how he is.  If he is as caring and compassionate as you say, then it doesn’t sound like he is going to go rogue and change based on your unplanned pregnancy.  You said that he is always around and encouraging you.  To me it doesn’t sound like he is going to ‘up and cheat’ on you just because you are pregnant.

As for question five, the reason I asked all this info is because if you are already living together, then both of you splitting the bills should be a natural thing.  When I moved in with my girlfriend (after a month of dating) we immediately sat down together as we began discussing what the bills were (rent, electric, water, etc). We divided them up and both contributed.  She currently makes more money than I do, but with all my checks, I contribute as much as I can and we work it out together.  Obviously if you do not live together, this could be problematic. My suggestion is after you inform him you are pregnant, it would be wise to give him a few days to let everything sink in.  After he has time to get a grasp on being a father, I would sit down with him and present the idea of living together, especially if you have plans of wanting to marry him.  There is no better way of telling if things are going to work out with another individual than living together.  By doing this, you find out everything you need to about a person: likes/dislikes, cleanliness, how well you are in each other’s space, etc.

As far as your parenting skills, all I can say is that you already have your own ways with your 3 year old.  You won’t know how he acts as a parent until you introduce him to your current child.  Basically, tread lightly with this. What I mean is to explain to him your methods and ask if he has any suggestions. Your child is already acclimated to your ways and might rebel against him, if he isn’t consistent with your forms of discipline. Talk to him about what you do with your child and give it a trial run.  The worst thing is not to give him a chance to show that he can take care of business in that department. If it doesn’t work out with him being a disciplinarian, then I suggest you handle your 3 year old and start fresh with the new baby.

Being scared is a natural part of all of this stuff. I mean I’m sitting here writing this and thinking to myself, this poor girl must be petrified. Just remember, take it one day at a time.  Be open, honest, and give him a fair shot to be the man he claims he is. Don’t judge him based off of your previous ‘baby daddy’ because he will grow distant from you.  It will create resentment if he is consistently compared to a former man. Be just as supportive of him as he is of you.  Keep this in mind as well: he is probably just as scared as you are, if not more (as men we will never admit this to our woman).  I hope this helps you with your ‘baby daddy’ issue :).  Congratulations on your pregnancy (even if it was unplanned) and good luck!!

*Slick Rick now needs a vacation haha*

Posted using Tinydesk Writer iPhone app

Truth and Habits

QUESTION:

I recently moved back home after being gone for 15 yrs in Cali for school, then work. And I have met a great guy who was my cousin’s good friend. He was charming, sweet, funny, and really good looking. I wasn’t sure why he was interested in me, I was an average looking girl but he was almost model good looking. We started hanging out more and we get along really great. He hasn’t paid for any of my meals and we always go dutch. He is so sweet though, so I let it go. I mean, he does little things like make a CD of my favorite songs for Valentine’s. He’s the funnest guy I’ve ever been with and he seems like such a sweetheart. Somehow I found out that he smokes out, which I am adamantly against. But he told me, ‘I never buy it’. So, I thought he was only casually smoking out. But then when I was getting something out of his car, I found a gas mask, bong, and some other paraphenelia. I couldn’t believe he had all that. On top of all this, he told me had just moved back last year from Montana where his sons live with their mom. He never visits his sons or calls them. I don’t even think he sent either of them Christmas or birthday presents. And I know he didn’t make any plans for his sons to visit him or fly out there to visit them during Christmas break. He tells me all the time that he misses them and almost breaks down teary-eyed. He has no pictures of them on his phone or at his place. I mean, I know that his sons have nothing to do with me and it doesn’t reflect on how he feels for me, but still. I know he genuinely likes me. But, I’m not sure I’m getting the whole truth. He tells my his ex was a terrible person and I really feel for him. I think she makes it hard for him to see their kids. I’m a relationship girl looking for husband material but I’m not sure he’s it. How do I know? How should the smoking out issue factor in? And how do I know he’ll be a good father eventually?

ANSWER:

Well, first off, I think your man’s habit is a little more than a habit. And, I’ll preface by saying I’m not opposed to the habit. It just depends on the person and how it affects them as to whether it’s a problem. It’s not a total deal breaker depending on what you want. I know plenty of people who are fine with their partner doing it and it doesn’t affect them. But, what’s important to you? And I’m guessing he’s not in the military with a need for a gas mask. So, you can use your imagination as to how that can be used. And a bong? Really, not to overstate the obvious, but there’s only one other reason someone needs that. Honey, you are right to be concerned because he seems to be understating his use. That’s not the problem, the problem is his lack of honesty about it. First starting out dating and dishonesty? Not a very good sign. You should really confront him and find out why he misrepresented. And you have to decide what your position is on his use, then go from there. And with the kids issue, that is a hairy one. I always throw up a red flag if I meet a guy who doesn’t have his kids with him or is not active in their lives. I have kids too, so I know that’s just not the typical behavior of an involved parent. You should always, always know that there are 2 sides to any story, especially when it involves kids. I’d prefer to meet the ex for me to make my decision for myself. But if she’s out of state, that’s a little unrealistic. First off, I will say, a father will make time for his kids PERIOD. NO excuses! Another parent cannot stop you from having a relationship with your child should you want it, unless there are issues such as violence, etc. In that case, you may want to rethink and reconsider. But, in most cases, if a father wants to stay involved, he will fight for it. They are difficult, but there are court battles to fight for custody and visitation. I’m sure if you ask him, there’s some sort of court order in place. And in that, it should outline certain visitation rules for Christmas, holidays, birthdays, etc. There is no reason he shouldn’t be following that and taking advantage of those times. If he wanted it bad enough, he would fight to have it favorable to him. I know fathers who have clauses to keep the mother from moving or fathers who have moved to another state to be in their lives. There really is no excuse. So, yes, that is fishy. I wouldn’t take this guy seriously until you know more about his parenting situation and pot use. There’s just too many questions right now. And, if you keep feeling like you’re not getting the whole truth, trust your gut. He is who he is, so if that’s who you want, go for it. But don’t expect great things of him as a father given his track record.m I don’t care what people say, past behavior is a predictor of future behavior. People can change but people can also stay the same. Right now, thinking about kids is far reaching but for now, you just need to know who he is and if that’s someone you would consider being with. I’m throwing red flags but I’m also saying to proceed with caution, things aren’t always what they seem or how he portrays them to be!

My Boo is Not You

QUESTION:

I’m a single mom and I’ve been dating this Marine for a year. I adore the guy and would do anything for him. I would support him through deployments, take care of him and believe and respect him. We talk about getting married soon before he gets deployed to his next duty station. My son loves him and this guy plays the fatherly role to him well. He genuinely cares for my son. He also takes care of me like a princess and thinks the world of me. He loves me for who I am and my caring nature and big heart. But now I’ve been thinking about my ex-boyfriend, my son’s dad and what will happen with him now. He hasn’t been involved in my or my son’s life for the last year. I was with him for almost 10 years and our son is 4. I’m scared this new Marine will never love my son like his dad does. Part of me feels an obligation to be with his dad but I know I would never be happy with him. My boyfriend cares for me and respects me, he always tells me how beautiful I am, he treats me like a lady and knows how much I am worth inside. My ex-boyfriend only cared about looks and never took care of me. I was with my ex for 10 years so I knew him well, I’ve only known this guy for a year. Christmas is coming up and I know my boyfriend’s probably going to propose. Is it okay to move on? Am I being fair to my son? Am I doing the right thing planning to get engaged?

ANSWER:

Baby girl, it’s time to close that door with your ex-boyfriend and not look back. You have a man who loves you and thinks the world of you. He’s there for your son and has a relationship with him. He most likely will not ever love your son in the way his father would, but he will love him differently. And even bigger, he will love you in a way that is healthy for your son to see and grow up around. Everyone deserves to be happy and to have respect, caring, and someone there for them. You gave this new guy a chance, he’s proven himself this far and you have obviously left your ex for a reason. You and your son do deserve to have an even bigger family than just you two, your son’s father had his chance to be that for you two. He obviously can’t handle the responsibility! A year is a long time to not have anything to do with your son. And honey, history and length of time don’t trump true love, respect, and admiration. This new guy obviously doesn’t want to leave your city without you and your son. If you truly love him like you say you do, believe in the love you have and trust in the guy who is right in front of you. The guy (and this goes for girls too) of the past didn’t prove himself and most likely never will. You will have a new life with this guy, nothing like a 10 yr relationship (and c’mon, you had a kid with the guy and you were together that long, he should’ve married you at some point), but probably something better. You deserve better and a fruitful love. Don’t look back girlfriend, it sounds like you have a man who will take care of y’all. As a man, that’s what he should be for you and you deserve it. It’s time for something new and the next chapter, heck the next volume in your life. There is a reason people are in our past. Merry Christmas and prepare to have the family you wanted, it’s real and it’s time has come!

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