Random Q & A (Part XII)

QUESTION

friends with benefits, friendship, friendships, fwb, boundaries, respect, my boyMy girlfriend of 4 months feels like we are becoming best friends. She said she can act herself around me and talk to me about anything. What does this mean?

ARIANA:

STOP! Don’t be her girlfriend!  Girlfriends listen to everything they have to say, that’s not a boyfriend’s job. Either of 2 things will happen if you continue: 1) you will become friends or 2) she will become dependent on you listenening to her every problem and issues, whereas she should be able to handle issues on her own. She’ll get upset if you don’t listen to gossip about her friends, every work issue, etc.  Tell you her you support her and listen to her, but there’s some things that would be more helpful if she talks to a friend!

QUESTION:

What can a girl do to make sure her man feels secure? The guy I’m dating has said he doesn’t feel like I got his back (we had our friends have drama go down when we went out one night and he was trying to help resolve it). Then today he wanted to hear me reassure him that I’m only with him. What can I do so that he feels confident in how I feel?

ARIANA:

Just be you. You can try and reassure someone all day till your face is blue but it solely depends on that individual to realize your dedication, commitment, and loyalty to them. So as long as your actions mirror your words and in your heart you know your loyalty lies with him everything else should fall into place.

QUESTION:

My boy  is dating this girl he met.  Her cousin and I kinda hit it off, hooked up the first night.  We’ve been talking on and off for the last few months.  We do double dates every now and then.  But, we talked about it and she understands we’re just friends with benefits.  I like her company but neither of us are looking for more.   One night she invites me to go out, so we can hang wiwth her cousin and my boy.  I thought it was cool, but then when I got there she started flirting with every dude.  Yet when I started talking to girls, even a table full of girls, she got upset.  Then she told me we could still be friends with benefits at the end of the night.  There’s no way at the end of the night that I’m going to hit it if she’s been flirting with guys all night and been inconsiderate when she invited me out.  What’s her deal?   

ARIANA:

Sounds like you ‘friends’ need to have a discussion (if it’s not over already, seems to be a whole lot of drama for a fwb relationship) about each of your expectations out of this ‘friends with benefits’ relationships.  Misunderstands and drama happen when the boundaries aren’t defined.  Also, the key word here is ‘friends’, so that means you should be able to talk and respect each other. 

Yes, if she invited you to hang out, then she should be focused on you and not flirting with guys.  You’re not leftovers and shouldn’t be treated as such.  You shouldn’t allow yourself to be disrespected like that.  But by the same token, games don’t show respect either.  As hard and tempting as it may be, as soon as you saw her talk to a guy, it would’ve been best to pull her aside and clear the air. 

This is exactly why friends with benefits is tough to continue, because you have that element of friendship where it canboundaries, respect, drama, secure cause drama when boundaries start to blur.  Even if this one’s not wrecked, remember for next time that first and foremost, you should set the rules clearly and touch on as many points that need to be addressed.  And, a ‘safe word’ is always helpful in communication, in this case, it would be when someone is starting to develop more than fwb feelings.  Good luck.  That’s a whole lot of effort to get some, but what do I know, I haven’t had a man since the last election!

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Booty Call

 

QUESTION:   

I’ve been friends with this guy ever since he picked up on me where I work as a bartender.  We’ve been friends for about 8 months or so.  I couldn’t ever figure out what he wanted from me.  I thought he was interested when he first asked for my number, but he never contacted me.  Instead he friended me on Facebook and we would exchange Facebook messages.  I’m an artist on the side, so he would always compliment my new pieces that I would post on Facebook.  He seemed like he really liked it.  He had sincere compliments, but they tapered off as time went by.  He would always flirt with me while I was doing my bartender gig.  We would always text message at night when we were out and about.  He sent me a text message to come over at 4am multiple times to ‘hang out’.  After a while he started doing that more often.  I asked him what kind of girl he thought I was and he just said he wanted to hang out.  One night I saw him out, and he bought all of my drinks.  I was feeling a little vulnerable because of an incident earlier with the guy I was dating, plus I had a few drinks.  We ended up kissing that night.  It’s been almost a week and haven’t heard from him.  What should I do?  What I keep letting our interaction continue?  Or should I just be on the friendship level?  Or should I even be friends at all?         

ARIANA:

It really looks like you’re reaching to put together a story for something meaningful with this guy.  And yes, it is definitely time to end this ‘interaction’.  One of the biggest reasons that the chances of dating are pretty much nil is that he texts you at 4am.  Who does that?  I don’t even send texts to family or friends that hour.  You know who does send messages that hour, are usually people looking for a booty call.  Most times if it’s 4am, they’ve probably been out and have less inhibition, giving them a more likely chance to make that booty call.  It doesn’t even sound like he’s taking you out on a real date, either.  If he’s not interested in spending time in daylight hours and spending money on you, most likely at best you’re a friend or the other extreme is friends with benefits.  If you’re down for ‘friends with benefits’, then by all means, get your fix.  Otherwise, just end any kind of friendship.  I mean, the guy kissed you and can’t even return a call after that.  That’s suspect.  Find someone else who really cares for you and wants your time, ’cause you’re not getting that here.

Friends with Benefits Relationship

 

QUESTION:

I have a friend who has a guy friend who she has been hanging out with for over a month.  She is interested in having something more with this guy.  But, unfortunately, their relationship started out as a ‘friends with benefits’ hookup and is still that way now. They hang out for a few hours about once a week, maybe see a movie or have dinner.  But they most definitely have sex. They always have plenty of great sex. Did she ruin any chance at a real relationship since they have already hooked up and  established that they were friends with benefits from the beginning? How does she go about changing their relationship from just a hookup to something more?

AUBREY: 

Wow, she kind of screwed herself over here, because it sounds like she has an open relationship with him.  And most likely she is not his only hookup.  Right now, he most likely just thinks of her for sex…unfortunately. I would let her know that first she needs to stop making their relationship about sex.  She could maybe hold out a little on him. She can start doing small things for him that she would not normally do, like making him dinner instead of going out.  Or maybe complimenting him on traits other than his looks. Make an effort to go out more than just once a week too.  And drop subtle (and I do mean subtle) hints about how she does like him. However, she needs to be prepared, because he may not want the same thing as her and she may just scare him off.  This is a risk she will have to take if she wants more.

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