Pimping Deadlines

QUESTION:

I am so fed up with dating.  I broke up with an abusive boyfriend of 5 years last year.  And I have been on a rampage.  I haven’t really been looking for anything in particular, but all I have is bad luck.  All I seem to find is guys who could care 2 sh&ts about me.  I had never experienced such deep passion and intimacy as I did with my previous boyfriend.  So, the only goal I really had was to prove to myself that I could experience that with someone else and that abusive boyfriend was not the ‘one’ for me.  I met guys everywhere–the mall, nightclubs, bars, through friends, Facebook, etc. through most of the year.  And none of it was intimate like it was with him.  I finally met one where it was full of intimacy and passion, but that one night we slept together was about all we had.  After that, he was a complete jerk and lead me on for the next couple months.  I was so jaded by the whole situation, I scrubbed my entire phone of guys I had met.  I scrubbed 30 numbers.  I had no idea I had talked and dated so many guys.  I vowed to myself that I was done with that lifestyle.  I cut everything off with every single guy I was dating then.  And I took myself off the market.  I needed a lot of reflection time, I’m a sweet, innocent girl, I didn’t want what any of those guys had to offer.  All I had wanted was just to have fun and it wasn’t fun anymore.  So, for a few weeks, I just kept it low key.  Then, we went out to the club one night and my BFF’s twin who had moved back was with us.  I had never met him before, he was working in Hawaii, so we never had a chance to meet.  He was shy, had a cute smile, was really intelligent based on our conversation, and we had a spark when we started dancing.  We gave me his number and I decided to message him.  He just messaged me and messaged me right after another.  He would write 4 screens worth of messages.  He didn’t hold anything back.  A couple days after the club, he asked me if I wanted to go to the mall.  We went there and ate, had a great team.  When it was time for me to get out of the car, he leaned in and kissed me a few times.  I was mesmerized, but that night after some thought, I realized I was still jaded.  I didn’t want to date.  I’m thinking about cutting things off before they start so I’m true to my ‘reflection’ time.  Am I making a mistake?  If you felt that instant connection with someone, should you go after it?

SLICK RICK:

This is quite a predicament you are in.  On one hand, I completely understand why you feel jaded and completely against wanting to date or engage in a relationship with someone new.  After countless times of heartache and disappointment, you probably have the thought that he would just be ‘another typical guy’. I know this is quite confusing and pretty frustrating, but never fear, Slick Rick is here!

I have been in your shoes before when it comes to being completely against going out with someone new.  In your experience, you had an abusive jerk that treated you like garbage and probably didn’t deserve a second of your time anyway. I do have a question for you. Just for clarification, the guy that was abusive to you…was he also the one that you shared the deep passion and intimacy with?  I just wanted to get a better understanding for myself as well as any others that may read this. If this is the case, the reason why your experiences with him were so intimate is because you spent the most amount of time with him. You became dependent upon him and his ways, even though you recognize that he was abusive to you. I do not know that you mean by abusive, but regardless of whether it was physical, mental, or emotional; any type of abuse is WRONG.

Before I really get in depth, I want you to understand that I am not a psychologist or doctor of any kind, but simply a man with advice. If he has physically abused you, I suggest you report it to the police.  Ok, now back to your first situation. After spending nearly five years with a person, it is natural to compare anyone new to how your ex treated you physically, mentally, affectionately, ect.  If this guy had you thinking that his ‘stuff’ was the best there is out there because of his abuse, it can take serious time to recover from such a devastating experience.  Now I have no idea how your intimate lifestyle was with the guy or any of that, but if you say it was ‘the best’ then I will take your word for it.  I do want to ask what made him the best? If a person could treat you so wrongly, how is it that he is anything but a jackass?

I want to make it clear to you as well as any other reader; having these feelings towards the new men you meet is not your fault. It sounds like you tried to get back in the game after breaking up with your ex, and unfortunately, you have found out that many guys are jerks. It can be difficult meeting new guys whether it be on Facebook, through friends, going out to bars/clubs, ect.  You said that once you realized that you were not happy, you ended up deleting 30 names/numbers.  I think this is good that you took a step back and analyzed the lifestyle you were leading and did not like the person you were or were becoming.  If you are not truly happy with who you are, it will be impossible to find happiness with anyone or to even try to engage in a relationship. Taking time away from others to have personal reflection is very important to gaining your sanity, especially from a bad relationship and then from other terrible dating situations.

I personally think it is good that you have met your BFF’s twin and the two of you had a good time meeting one another.  You had a chance to see him multiple times and he even made you have that special feeling that you have been longing to have by treating you the way you deserve to be treated.  This is where things are going to get a little difficult and only you can answer these questions.

Have you fully recovered from your abusive relationship enough to trust another man to not treat you that way? You are the only one who knows when you have truly recovered from that traumatic experience. If you haven’t recovered, then I suggest you take it easy before you get too far involved with this guy. So far it sounds like you really enjoy his company and him being around though.

How comfortable do you feel around him? Do you feel like you can be open with him or do you feel reserved?  The reason I ask these questions is because I once met a girl that had just got out of a physically abusive relationship.  The girl would literally jump back when I would try to hug her or show any affection and it scared me half to death because I thought it was something I was doing.  I confronted her about this because if it was me, I wanted to know what I was doing wrong.  She then explained to me she had a previous boyfriend hit her often and verbally abused her, so she was afraid of men.  After hearing this, I felt it was my duty as a man (especially one that liked her), to show her that not all men are that way.  I didn’t pressure her to talk to me, but when she did open up, it made her feel much more at ease about being around me and understanding that not all me were like her ex-boyfriend.  So my advice with this is if you do feel like you are at a comfortable enough stage in your reflection time period, you may want to just talk with him about your previous experience with your ex-boyfriend and some other men you have dated.  If you explain to him that you are very cautious right now about dating because of some terrible experiences you have had, he will more than likely be understanding of why you are timid rather than assuming that it is something he is doing. This will at least give him a chance to show if he has what it takes to be with you!

I would definitely say that if you had an instant connection with him, especially if you know his twin very well, that it is at least worth a chance.  I must give you a word of caution though, and this is something you will have to consider.  If you date your friend’s twin, will it change the dynamic of you and your BFF’s friendship if anything should happen to you and him if you do decide to date?  I would discuss this with your friend as well as with the guy because you wouldn’t want to ruin two relationships if something goes sour.  Aside from that, I say give it a shot…it could be the best thing that happens to you.  As always, I hope Slick Rick has been helpful! 🙂

Friends with Benefits Relationship

 

QUESTION:

I have a friend who has a guy friend who she has been hanging out with for over a month.  She is interested in having something more with this guy.  But, unfortunately, their relationship started out as a ‘friends with benefits’ hookup and is still that way now. They hang out for a few hours about once a week, maybe see a movie or have dinner.  But they most definitely have sex. They always have plenty of great sex. Did she ruin any chance at a real relationship since they have already hooked up and  established that they were friends with benefits from the beginning? How does she go about changing their relationship from just a hookup to something more?

AUBREY: 

Wow, she kind of screwed herself over here, because it sounds like she has an open relationship with him.  And most likely she is not his only hookup.  Right now, he most likely just thinks of her for sex…unfortunately. I would let her know that first she needs to stop making their relationship about sex.  She could maybe hold out a little on him. She can start doing small things for him that she would not normally do, like making him dinner instead of going out.  Or maybe complimenting him on traits other than his looks. Make an effort to go out more than just once a week too.  And drop subtle (and I do mean subtle) hints about how she does like him. However, she needs to be prepared, because he may not want the same thing as her and she may just scare him off.  This is a risk she will have to take if she wants more.

Unbelievably Wacky Week Happenings, Part V

Okay. 10 hours left and it’s 2012! So, this is our last post of the year and the last of the wackiness for this year. I’m sure we’ll have more wacky next year, after all, dating brings out the most wackiness in all of us! Even the best of the best see themselves fall prey to committing wacky acts. So, let’s hear em.

Wacky #1
I am really into this girl and I finally brought her over to my place for the first time. She stayed the night and well, we, let’s just say we ‘bonded’. Well, the next morning after we did, the chic makes my bed! I was ready for the sleepover to be done then!

Wacky Factor: 7
Well, although it is nice to make your bed, there is nothing creepier than a girl making your bed after the first night of ‘bonding’. Are you sure you didn’t go to sleep with a girl you’re dating and wake up to a wife. You might want to check your ring finger and see if you made it to any Las Vegas chapels cause it seems homegirl is little on the fast track. Next thing you know she’ll start straightening your room and washing clothes. Yeah, yeah, get excited but when she makes her own bathroom drawer, you won’t be a happy camper anymore. Watch yourself, who knows what’s next!!

Wacky #2
I went out on a first date with a guy I just met. At the end of the date, my childhood best friend and her man joined us for a few minutes. Then my date had to run and I mean, he really had to run. He said bye to me and ran out with saying bye to my friends. My friends thought it was odd and I texted him asking why he did that. His response to me was ‘as long as I say bye to you that’s all that matters, right’.

Wacky Factor: 7
Party foul. Red alert. What world is that dude from? When it’s showtime, it’s go time, you better bring the best stuff you have. That means, treating the girl the best, and her friends and everyone else you come across well! Where did he get the notion that all that matters is how he treats you? A kind person will treat everyone well, and I’m hoping that’s what you want anyways. I give yellow cards on dates when they pull weird behavior like that and if you’re not kicking the dude to the curb, at least give him a yellow card. Pay attention people! Bring out your best on the first date, in every way. Otherwise you won’t find yourself surviving to date #2!

Wacky #3
I’ve been dating this guy for 6 months and seriously, this dude cries more than I do. He cries in romantic movies, when we get into fights and most recently when he got jealous of my guy best friend kissing me on the cheek. I know I don’t cry much but I mean, it’s not crazy to think your man shouldn’t cry more than you, is it?

Wacky Factor: 10
And folks, we have a TEN! I didn’t think we would run into one of these but, hey, some things are possible! Okay, for a girl to cry a lot, well, that’s already tough. Women crying and being emotional is the equivalent of guys being angry and being emotional. But, a DUDE! This can’t be real. If it it is, I feel for you girl, you’re supposed to have a man, but if your man’s tears are more than yours, they have other words for guys like that, all of which aren’t nice, are very colorful, and ones I’d rather not say here! You should probably invest in Kleenex stocks cause your ‘dude’ is gonna exercise them. Run, girl, run. That’s really what I what I want to say. It’s only gonna get worse and it’s already bad for being only just 6 months. Run!!!!!

Feed Me

QUESTION: I’ve been dating or whatever you want to call it with this guy I’ve known for 3 weeks. It’s been okay, we get along, but the only thing we do is lounge around his house all day. I love being out and about, so I’m getting really irritated that we haven’t gone anywhere!! I’m definitely interested in the guy for more, but I’m not sure what to say. He’s the response I was gonna say:

i like u n everything n u say u like me too but like how come u don’t take me out? r u cheap or watt r u embarrass to be seen with me in public? r u gay? tell me the reason y or something…do u just wanna be friends? if so i can handle that but i don’t wanna be ur friends with benefits now..i just wanna be real.friends like barney love his friends

ANSWER: Woah woah woah Barney and friends. Slow down. Good thing you asked before you said anything, I could throw down a million red flags for that response. If you want something from him or anybody, you gotta do it a better way. Here’s a few red flags I picked out:

#1. How come you don’t take me out — he’ll be defensive… BETTER: I really want to go out with somewhere like the movies or dancing…
Girl if you want something, you appeal to someone’s nice side, not guilt it out of them.

#2 Are you cheap? don’t label, make assumptions and this one will also make him defensive. BETTER: don’t mention this at all, one issue at a time, men are simple remember…don’t bombard the man…

#3 Are you embarassed to be seen with me in public?, see #2… if you feel this, bring this up at a later time…that’s a bigger issue that needs to be address like that he may not want anyone to catch him or anything like that

#4 Gay? Wow…obviously not, he’s proven that one… And well, if he was, he’d come out when he’s ready, not when you ask

#5 tell me the reason… Never command him to do something or anyone for that matter. BETTER: I just really want to understand why xyz isn’t happening

#6 do you want to be just friends… see #3.. slow down woman…. one thing at a time…keep it simple

#7 do u just wanna be friends? don’t ask this unless you’re serious about being friends and friends alone, don’t test the man to see what he’ll say…you may not like the answer.. BETTER: I like how things are going but I’m not sure where this is headed..

Doing it for the friends

QUESTION: Recently my buddies and I met a few girls at a club while we were stationed a new duty station. It was almost time to go. I walked out of the bathroom to meet my buddy who had been chillin waiting for me. As soon as I walked out, and I saw he was having a conversation with a gorgeous girl. I immediately walked up to her and introduced myself. She liked to laugh and laughed at all my jokes. Her friend asked if we wanted to go eat with them and I jumped on the chance. When we walked out, I immediately jumped to her side and made her laugh the whole way until we got into the restaurant. I was digging her. I sat beside her and continued to make her laugh for the next couple hours. My friends were all enjoying themselves too and they were the kind of guys that are cool with just meeting girls as friends, so they were getting cool with the girl I was interested in. She and I ended up exchanging numbers. She texted me and I texted a few texts then just stopped. I mean I was leaving in 3 months. I didn’t see the point. She text me a couple more times but I just ignored them. She invited me and my boys out one night, so we went. When I got there, she was aloof and then was spending time with other guys more than me. I didn’t try very hard to talk to her but I was just annoyed that she wouldn’t bother talking to me. So we left. My boys straight up told me that they were cool with her and intended to stay friends with her. What should I do now? I’m obviously going to have to be around this girl more. Should I keep trying to talk to her?

ANSWER: Buddy, you’d be lucky if that girl wanted to talk to you again after you gave her the cold shoulder without warning. Yeah, maybe you could’ve gotten away with that had your friends not befriended her, but you gotta man up. You gotta tell this girl what’s up. I mean, if you’re okay with it being awkward every time you all hang out, then by any means just keep ignoring it! But my guess is that this awkward for everybody around. I honestly don’t know what the big deal is with just being straight up with someone and setting the expectation. That’s called being m-a-t-u-r-e! I’m sure the girl won’t be heartbroken after only hanging with you an equivalent of 2 times. And well, if she is, that’s really her problem and emotional sensitivity. My suggestion is to lay down the expectation that you’re cool with being friends because it’s doubtful you’ll get more than that. She proved to your face that she doesn’t need you. She obviously played the game and it sounds like it worked for her. It didn’t work in her favor to get you to chase after her but worked that it pissed you off. But c’mon, get real and bring it back down to Earth here. You dissed the girl, did you expect her to go cuckoo for cocoa puffs over you when she saw you again? You’re lucky she didn’t pull out psycho card and ask why you didn’t message back. Suck it up buddy and at the minimum be cool with the girl to the point where everyone can be comfortable. Or find some new friends. Or maybe even try to really be friends with the girl. Your boys obviously see something cool about the girl enough to keep her around despite what went down with you 2! Maybe if you chill out and pay attention, you’ll see it too. Squash the drama and keep it real! I’m gonna go eat some Cocoa puffs now!

Stuck in Friend Zone


Q:  I have a girl friend that I’ve been hanging out with for a while now.  We are good friends, but I really like her.  She broke up with her ex 6 months ago, so I started trying to make my move and upped my efforts.  I started asking her to dinner just she and I.  I would get her little presents for no reason or write sweet things on her FB wall.  She seemed to respond pretty well to everything.  She always said yes and was happy whenever I would do the small things for her.  I know she didn’t really get that from her ex, so I made conscious effort to do those things.  She had made several comments about it, so I wanted to stand out.  I didn’t push to rush her into anything physical.  I really liked her, so I wanted to take things slow.  It got to the point where we’d start to cuddle while watching movies and she started being more touchy with me.  Then out of nowhere she tells me that she and her ex are getting back together.  I was taken aback and surprised.  She didn’t tell me or clue me into anything of the sort.  She still calls me and acts the same, but I’m not sure what to do.  I’ve met her boyfriend/ex/whatever and he’s a good guy.  So, it’s not a situation where I’m angry she’s going back to a guy who mistreats her.  But, I’m not sure if I should still be friends with her.  Should I continue the friendship or just let our friendship fizz?

A:  Okay, ask yourself these questions:

1.  Can I really be totally just friends with this girl with NO expectations of more?
2.  Can I be friends without getting in the way of her relationship or trying to sabotage it?
3.  Can I live without her friendship?
4.  Does she have friends she could eventually introduce me to?  (Yes, I know, sounds shady, but just like business, dating is about networking and getting your name and face out there.  Only difference is that your product is yourself).
5.  Is it worth the effort to stay friends with her?
6.  Am I okay with the fact that now that she’s in a relationship I’ll have less contact with her?
7 . Can I really play the friend role to her and possibly listen to her guy problems without getting jealous and stay unbiased without bashing her boyfriend?
8.  What is my motivation for wanting to be friends?

Only you know these answers and what your friendship with her means and what you can handle.

My personal opinion for me, is that I would not remain friends with the guy on an active basis.  I wouldn’t cancel the friendship, but I would never want their significant other to feel uncomfortable and question my friendship with the guy or my intentions.  I wouldn’t want someone to do that to me, so I wouldn’t do it to someone else.  The optimal situation, I think, and one of the best friendships that I’ve ever had is to be friends with BOTH parties.  This is a really nonconventional way to go about it and most people can’t handle it.  But if you’re open-minded, honest, and have good intentions, you’ll find that not only will you have a kick ass girl friend who most likely has a kick ass boyfriend, (well if he’s an asshole, that’s a different story, but in this case you said he’s cool) you’ll have a kick ass guy friend too.  Otherwise, if that’s not you, then move on, there’s plenty of girl friends you can have without the uncomfortableness of the girl friend having a boyfriend.  And, hold tight, if you know you’re made to marry, there’s a girl out there.  Just keep living, looking, and have thick skin, there’s a lot of 3 eyed fish you have to sift through in the sea!  😉;-)

Bombs away

Q: My family doesn’t like the guy I’m dating. We’ve been together for 5 years and the first 2 years they tolerated him. Initially they didn’t love him, but they didn’t give off the impression they wanted me to leave him. Now, I can tell anytime I bring up his name, they don’t like him and pretty much made it obvious they didn’t want him around, without even saying a word about it. I’ve had to stop my dad from cussing him out multiple times and he’s got into little arguments with my sisters. But, he’s a good guy, he has good intentions and just doesn’t make the best decisions. I mean, I guess I can’t blame my family, what set them off and changed everything around the 2 yr mark was that he accidentally pushed me down the stairs when we were arguing while we were drunk. I had to be rushed to the hospital and was out a few hours from a concussion. I sprained my ankle, but thankfully, nothing more than that happened. Since then, nothing has ever happened like that again, he’s not a violent person. We curbed our drinking and most times, only one of us drinks. We’ve been through so much together, he was there when my job fired me and accused me of embezzlement. He helped me financially til I found a new job. We had a miscarriage and that was tough for a long time. I seriously was depressed for 5 months, but he put up with me and stood by me. He doesn’t do anything for my self-esteem though, he never compliments me. When we’re out, it’s painfully obvious he’s looking at other girls. And he asks me why I can’t be one of those dolled up, high maintenance girls. I always tell him that’s not me, I am a sporty, low maintenance girl. I am girly, not a tomboy by any means, but I definitely wasn’t in the salons every week or shopping constantly. But then when I do dress up, he asks me why I’m dressed up. I’m so confused. My family tells me he doesn’t love me, that he would treat me better if he did. He never gets me presents, never says he loves me, and doesn’t call me his girlfriend. What should I do? Should I listen to my family? I know he doesn’t treat me that well, but we’ve been together so long, part of me is scared I’ll never meet someone else. I’m so comfortable with him.

A: Baby, you are your own person. I know your family loves you, but like everything in your life (or anybody’s life), you’ve got to be the one to decide what is best for you. Only you know that and only you know yourself. Obviously the fact that you’re questioning it means you know something’s not right. I don’t know if you’re insecure or afraid or what. But you’re the one who’s got to stand up for you!! You’ve got to reach deep inside and ask yourself if this is what you want, whether or not you are getting your needs met through this relationship, and where are you going from here. But wow, being comfortable is NEVER a reason to be with someone. Being comfortable with anything in our lives–relationships, friendships, family, work, the way we live–is not a good place to be. It makes us become complacent which is a testament to the old adage ‘the only constant is change’. If you’re not growing together and progressing toward a closer relationship, then I don’t exactly see why you’re still this guy. He obviously doesn’t know how to lead the relationship if he’s making you feel insecure about yourself. And he also never shows his affection or says I love you. And the best of them all, ‘he doesn’t call me his girlfriend’. What does he say when he introduces you to people, ‘woman, come here.’ Or what, does he just introduce you by your name? You’ve been with homeboy for a long time, if he’s not claiming you, something’s wrong with him. Is he ashamed of you or is he trying to make sure he’s leaving himself open for other options? Either way, whatever reason why, there’s no good reason. That boggles my mind, when he talks about you does he say ‘this girl’ instead of girlfriend. I say FAIL for that one. There is no good reason why he shouldn’t make it known you’re his and vice versa. My guess is he’s probably comfortable too. If it were me, his ass would have a footprint on it as I kicked him out the door, but lucky for him, he’s not my man. I know a lot of women/men who stay in relationships like these and end up having a cold heart in the end, buried by a wall of self-protection. And future relationships suffer because of it. I hope you find out what you really want, and go for it. And, if you stay, then you can always have discussions as to what’s bothering you. If he truly loves you and cares for you, then he’ll listen to you and take heed…cause you’re a lyrical poet. Sorry, I had a Vanilla Ice flashback there. Go for it, it’s yours for the taking, own it, and know it! Good luck!

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