Random Q & A (Part XII)

QUESTION

friends with benefits, friendship, friendships, fwb, boundaries, respect, my boyMy girlfriend of 4 months feels like we are becoming best friends. She said she can act herself around me and talk to me about anything. What does this mean?

ARIANA:

STOP! Don’t be her girlfriend!  Girlfriends listen to everything they have to say, that’s not a boyfriend’s job. Either of 2 things will happen if you continue: 1) you will become friends or 2) she will become dependent on you listenening to her every problem and issues, whereas she should be able to handle issues on her own. She’ll get upset if you don’t listen to gossip about her friends, every work issue, etc.  Tell you her you support her and listen to her, but there’s some things that would be more helpful if she talks to a friend!

QUESTION:

What can a girl do to make sure her man feels secure? The guy I’m dating has said he doesn’t feel like I got his back (we had our friends have drama go down when we went out one night and he was trying to help resolve it). Then today he wanted to hear me reassure him that I’m only with him. What can I do so that he feels confident in how I feel?

ARIANA:

Just be you. You can try and reassure someone all day till your face is blue but it solely depends on that individual to realize your dedication, commitment, and loyalty to them. So as long as your actions mirror your words and in your heart you know your loyalty lies with him everything else should fall into place.

QUESTION:

My boy  is dating this girl he met.  Her cousin and I kinda hit it off, hooked up the first night.  We’ve been talking on and off for the last few months.  We do double dates every now and then.  But, we talked about it and she understands we’re just friends with benefits.  I like her company but neither of us are looking for more.   One night she invites me to go out, so we can hang wiwth her cousin and my boy.  I thought it was cool, but then when I got there she started flirting with every dude.  Yet when I started talking to girls, even a table full of girls, she got upset.  Then she told me we could still be friends with benefits at the end of the night.  There’s no way at the end of the night that I’m going to hit it if she’s been flirting with guys all night and been inconsiderate when she invited me out.  What’s her deal?   

ARIANA:

Sounds like you ‘friends’ need to have a discussion (if it’s not over already, seems to be a whole lot of drama for a fwb relationship) about each of your expectations out of this ‘friends with benefits’ relationships.  Misunderstands and drama happen when the boundaries aren’t defined.  Also, the key word here is ‘friends’, so that means you should be able to talk and respect each other. 

Yes, if she invited you to hang out, then she should be focused on you and not flirting with guys.  You’re not leftovers and shouldn’t be treated as such.  You shouldn’t allow yourself to be disrespected like that.  But by the same token, games don’t show respect either.  As hard and tempting as it may be, as soon as you saw her talk to a guy, it would’ve been best to pull her aside and clear the air. 

This is exactly why friends with benefits is tough to continue, because you have that element of friendship where it canboundaries, respect, drama, secure cause drama when boundaries start to blur.  Even if this one’s not wrecked, remember for next time that first and foremost, you should set the rules clearly and touch on as many points that need to be addressed.  And, a ‘safe word’ is always helpful in communication, in this case, it would be when someone is starting to develop more than fwb feelings.  Good luck.  That’s a whole lot of effort to get some, but what do I know, I haven’t had a man since the last election!

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Random Q & A (Part X)

QUESTION: The guy I’m dating wants to know what my ‘number’ is. It’s a lot higher than his. Should I tell him or not? He told me he’s going to assume my ‘number’ is worse since I’m not telling him.

SLICK RICK:

When it comes to the ‘number’ game, it can be a difficult process to discuss with your significant other. I actually had the same situation with my girlfriend when we began dating. Her number was significantly lower than mine because she had different morals/values than I did. She also intended on waiting until marriage. I had a different lifestyle in college before I met her and lived my life accordingly. When we came across this subject, it was a bit awkward to discuss. We both knew the type of lifestyle I used to lead, but she had no idea my number fairly high. That said, the best thing you can do is be honest with your partner. Everyone had their own lifestyles before meeting their significant other and should not be punished for what happened before you met.

There is a reason you may have engaged in sex with the other men. But at the same time, there is also a reason you are not dating them. Former boyfriends/girlfriends and one-night stands do happen. And it is not something anyone can take back. Yet if the guy you are dating truly cares about you, your ‘number’ shouldn’t cause him to turn away from you. By explaining things to him, hopefully it will make him trust you for being able to talk about such a difficult topic. And it will also help strengthen your relationship. When I did, my girlfriend respected that I could come clean, even though my ‘number’ was significantly higher than her. And I’m proud to say we are currently going on 3 years of being together.

QUESTION: There is a guy who is friends with my best friend and he lives an hour away. I can’t tell what he wants to do or if I’m just a fwb? He calls me a couple of times a month to see me and we have sex every time we see each other which makes it feel like we’re fwb. We’re not officially dating or anything, so we’re free to date other people.

SLICK RICK:

You have to ask yourself a few questions. First, are you actively searching for a boyfriend or just playing the field? Second, are you developing feelings for this guy beyond sex? Third, what happens after you guys have sex? Do you continue to hang out in social settings such as going to the movies? Fourth, do you want to date him exclusively? Once you answer these questions, it will be easier to approach this situation.

If you are actively searching for a boyfriend, but you are continuously having sex with him when he visits, naturally you will develop relationship-type feelings. If you do hang out in social settings, then it’s no wonder why you have these feelings. If you answered yes to 2nd and 4th questions, then I suggest talking to him about your feelings. The worst thing you can do is to let things sit in your mind, letting it become jumbled and twisted.

Overthinking usually leads to disaster in relationships or before a relationship. You should speak what’s on your mind and heart. Then you can see where he is at. He might possibly be having the same type of feelings, but doesn’t want to rock the boat by asking you. It sounds stupid, but when it comes to stuff like this, some guys are really nervous. They are honestly just happy being in the situation they are in not wanting anything to happen asking the question, ‘what are we?’. If you feel this way and wish to pursue it as a relationship, just let him know how you feel. If he is on the same page, it should work out beautifully. If not, then you have to determine if fwb is the right thing for you and adjust accordingly.

QUESTION: I always meet assholes whenever I go to the bars/clubbing and end up dating them. I’m tired of it, how do I meet better guys? A good guy would be great, but those don’t seem to exist as often as the assholes.

SLICK RICK:

I’ll be the first to tell you that assholes are EVERYWHERE! As a guy, I consistently see them with some amazing women. It makes me wonder how the heck they do it. Well I have an answer for that. The reason assholes continue to get great women is because great women continue to fall for asshole moves. We all know what they are and how they act. Most of the time, they all look the same. If you want to find a real man and not just any guy, meet them outside of the bar/clubs. Here’s how it usually breaks down by the numbers for guys at the bar/club: 70% are assholes, 15% happily married (their wife is with them), 10% have girlfriends and are committed, and 5% are single and are good guys.

When any of my friends tell me, ‘Oh we met at a bar’, I think to myself, ‘another one bites the dust’. I know it’s hard to hear. But meeting people in a bar and having it work out is like hitting the lottery. It is VERY rare. Most people at the bar usually have two things on their mind, 1) how fast can I get drunk and 2) who is my target to hook up with? My advice to you is try your best to just go to the bar with friends to simply have a good time. Don’t focus on trying to meet guys there with the notion of starting a relationship. I understand you have no control of where you meet someone, but a bar is usually a difficult spot to find a great guy. Try doing activities that you enjoy like such as sports/social clubs/gym. The chances of you meeting a great guy at these places and having it turn into a healthy relationship is vastly higher than if you try it in a bar.

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