Baby Daddy or Husband

Most couples like to enjoy themselves every now and then with physical intimacy.  It is the highest expression of your desire for another person.  But what happens when the unplanned happens and you have to face the consequences after?  Read on.

QUESTION:

I’ve been dating this guy for 4 months and I feel really strongly about him, more than any other guy before him.  He’s a real gentleman, always makes me feel safe, and truly cares for me.  He does things for me that I never imagined in a dateable guy.  He encourages me, inspires me, and is always humbly leading us, taking care of everything.  We’ve had a wonderful time dating this entire time and started being intimate last month.  Well, now we’re dealing with an unplanned pregnancy.  I already have a 3 yr old from another baby daddy, and I am embarassed as hell that I will have another baby daddy.  I truly care for him and I think he’s planning to propose next month during Christmas vacation when I visit my parents.  It’s just my gut feel.  I thought I could marry him, but then I’m scared of a ton of marriage issues.  What if he cheats on me?  Will we be financially okay?  How will he treat my 3 yr old?  How will my 3 yr old react?  He’s in the Army, so what happens when he deploys?  Will he agree with my ways of parenting?  Will I be able to run a domestic household?  I really love and care for him, but I’m scared to take that jump to marriage.  The baby daddy of my last child was horrible and did nothing for us, I was left to be mother, provider, working mom, and dad all in one.  He tells me ,he will ‘do right by me’ ,and be my side, but how do I know for sure.  Part of me just doesn’t want to get married because I’m so scared.  But, I know he’s husband material.  I’m not sure whether I want him as a baby daddy or a husband?  How do I know?  Is this natural to be this scared?  If I’m so afraid of the consequences, should I have be physically intimate with him?  What’s the best thing to do?

SLICK RICK:

To start this off, all I can say is WOW!!!  For once in my life, I have encountered an issue that required me to put a hand over my mouth, shake my head, take a deep breath and say holy crap!  Not to worry though, Slick Rick at your service.

There is a lot of emotions and scenarios involved in your situation. It has only been four months since you and your boyfriend have been together, so while it may “seem like you have known each other forever”, it is still a short amount of time. I do have some questions for you though. First, does he know about your 3 year old and the whole “other baby daddy” situation? I know it can be difficult introducing your child to a new man, especially if it doesn’t seem to be working out with him (although from the way it sounds you two are working out wonderfully). Having to continuously introduce a child to different men can become confusing and create unstability within the household; so if you haven’t introduced the two, then I completely understand your logic behind it. Second, does your boyfriend know that you are pregnant yet?  If he does, then at least he is briefed on the fact that he is about to become a father and it won’t be a total shock.  If he does not know, it would be in your best interest to inform him IMMEDIATELY.  As a man, we don’t like for bombs to be dropped in our laps at the last minute. The sooner he knows your are pregnant, the better for both of you and for numerous issues such as stress, anxiety, fear, etc…Third, why does your gut tell you he is going to propose? Has marriage even come up in discussions? I’m not knocking your ‘gut feelings’ because I get those too.  I’m just trying to understand your logic and where that idea is coming from. Four, have you met his parents, particularly his father? Not all the time, but a fair amount of the time you can gather an idea about how your guy is going to be as a husband/father based on his parents and how he is raised. Remember, this is not with EVERYONE.  Also, I hear this quite often from many women I come in contact with, (especially my girlfriend) that they only see themselves marrying someone that reminds them of THEIR OWN father. Now I’m not sure how your father is, but if he is a great man, then perhaps you could use him as a guide to judging your own man. Five, what is your living situation? Do you live together? Do you have a job as well? Do you guys both help each other pay the bills or is it ‘every man/woman for themselves’?

I know these questions may seemall over the map and random, but they each have significance in your situation. You said that he is a great guy, always encouraging you, taking care of everything, etc.  It sounds like he is a heck of a guy right off the bat.  Being in the military also helps weed out the “asshole” portion of him a lot, because the military tries to grooms assholes into intelligent, hard-working men (although that’s not always the case). It doesn’t work for all, but for many, it seems to do the trick. You also have to keep in mind, it is a good idea to remember that your last “baby daddy” was too immature to be a father, but you can’t judge your current man based on another man’s mistakes. You are with this guy for a reason, so be sure not to punish him based off of a former relationship.

Okay, I think questions 1 and 2 are pretty self explanatory as to why you should discuss these with your boyfriend. If you feel comfortable around him and that he is an earnest, hard-working, compassionate guy.  And he also treats you with the utmost dignity and respect, you should do the same for him and enlighten him about your 3 year old. If you are pregnant with his baby now, you should DEFINITELY tell him about that as well.

On to question 3, your gut tells you he is going to propose.  Let’s take it easy here.  You never want to assume anything, especially when your man is going to propose.  If you have been discussing it, then that’s one thing to get excited about it.  If it hasn’t come up in conversation at all, it is best to probably leave it be. It is best to conquer the mountain one situation at a time.  And the current situation is your unplanned pregnancy. Now remember, this is only my advice (if any others reading this have advice here feel free to jump in).  But once you break the news to him about being pregnant, that’s when you begin to ask about how it is going to work out.  You definitely don’t want to just assume that he is going to propose.  Because if he doesn’t, then you are setting yourself up for a HUGE let-down.

For most responsible men, once you tell them that you are pregnant, a sense of manhood and ownership takes control over us.  It triggers our brains to get ready to become the provider that we are meant to be. It may take him a few days or even a week to get his brain together.  But be there with him, as he will be there for you, and talk to him about everything you are thinking as far as theabout your future together. If you are worried about the money and all that keep this in mind, the military always looks out for family!  They will help with medical for you and the baby, housing, etc.  Also, if you do decide to work together on this and the military does help you guys out.  They will also do this in the event he gets deployed, as long as you are living together and have proof that he is the father (paternity test). My advice for living together is to discuss moving in to basic housing, which is provided by the military, to make your living arrangements easier for the both of you.

With question four, it’s only my interpretation and not always true. Typically when you see your significant other’s family, you get a good feel for how he is raised and what values/morals he has. Word of caution though, we all do not turn out as our parents do. Everyone is their own person, so you have to just feel him out and see how he is.  If he is as caring and compassionate as you say, then it doesn’t sound like he is going to go rogue and change based on your unplanned pregnancy.  You said that he is always around and encouraging you.  To me it doesn’t sound like he is going to ‘up and cheat’ on you just because you are pregnant.

As for question five, the reason I asked all this info is because if you are already living together, then both of you splitting the bills should be a natural thing.  When I moved in with my girlfriend (after a month of dating) we immediately sat down together as we began discussing what the bills were (rent, electric, water, etc). We divided them up and both contributed.  She currently makes more money than I do, but with all my checks, I contribute as much as I can and we work it out together.  Obviously if you do not live together, this could be problematic. My suggestion is after you inform him you are pregnant, it would be wise to give him a few days to let everything sink in.  After he has time to get a grasp on being a father, I would sit down with him and present the idea of living together, especially if you have plans of wanting to marry him.  There is no better way of telling if things are going to work out with another individual than living together.  By doing this, you find out everything you need to about a person: likes/dislikes, cleanliness, how well you are in each other’s space, etc.

As far as your parenting skills, all I can say is that you already have your own ways with your 3 year old.  You won’t know how he acts as a parent until you introduce him to your current child.  Basically, tread lightly with this. What I mean is to explain to him your methods and ask if he has any suggestions. Your child is already acclimated to your ways and might rebel against him, if he isn’t consistent with your forms of discipline. Talk to him about what you do with your child and give it a trial run.  The worst thing is not to give him a chance to show that he can take care of business in that department. If it doesn’t work out with him being a disciplinarian, then I suggest you handle your 3 year old and start fresh with the new baby.

Being scared is a natural part of all of this stuff. I mean I’m sitting here writing this and thinking to myself, this poor girl must be petrified. Just remember, take it one day at a time.  Be open, honest, and give him a fair shot to be the man he claims he is. Don’t judge him based off of your previous ‘baby daddy’ because he will grow distant from you.  It will create resentment if he is consistently compared to a former man. Be just as supportive of him as he is of you.  Keep this in mind as well: he is probably just as scared as you are, if not more (as men we will never admit this to our woman).  I hope this helps you with your ‘baby daddy’ issue :).  Congratulations on your pregnancy (even if it was unplanned) and good luck!!

*Slick Rick now needs a vacation haha*

Posted using Tinydesk Writer iPhone app

Unbelievably Wacky Week Happenings, Part VII

Wacky!!! It’s wacky time! Maybe we’ve had a little too much Red Bull and coffee, which is why we’re off the wall with excitement. Or maybe it’s because 25 days til our new website launch!! Big things poppin. So grammatically incorrect of us, but we love that saying! Anyhoo, you wanna know what’s wacky? Well let us tell you…

Wacky #1

I am standing at the bar getting water and then the guy next to me starts talking to me. He wasn’t my type but I was just being friendly. He was funny and he knew some of my friends that owned businesses in the area. Then his wife comes up, dumps her water glass and tells me that’s her husband.

ARIANA. Wacky Factor: 9

Yeah, now you know why homeboy was talking to you cause he’s living with psycho! Women, check it! If you are attacking the woman you THINK is hitting on your man, you need take a good, long, hard look at your husband/man. That is the person you should hold accountable and take your anger out on (not that you should be angry in the first place). I’m not hearing anything scandalous going on or the fact that he announced he was married. That’s on him to announce that fact. But, watch it, you never know how jealous a person can be. But chill out people, being jealous is not a good look on anyone! Tame that green eyed monster, or he’ll grow even bigger and unmanageable than he is now!!

Wacky #2

My girlfriend crashed into my neighbor’s mailbox and knocked it down the other day cause she was so sleepy.

ARIANA Wacky Factor: 6

Although the sight of that is funny. We rank it a low wacky factor. It’s more funny than it is wacky! What we want to know is what you did to fix the mailbox and what you told your neighbor. I can’t imagine there’s really a good explanation for that maybe ‘uh, oops’. You need to give your girlfriend some Red Bull for every drive to your place, she needs it. And safety wise, luckily it wasn’t worse!!

Wacky #3

So I’m dancing with a guy and his clumsy self knocks the table and spilled our group’s drinks everywhere. Yes, 5 drinks spilled. He tells me he’s gonna go get a drink and then he never comes back. I look on the other side of the club and see the same guy dancing with my friend (she didn’t see me with him earlier) and see her with a drink!!!

ARIANA: Wacky Factor: 7

Well, Romeo has a couple party fouls here. I’ll stamp his head ‘wacky’. Although he’s not a 10, he definitely is waaaack! Spills the drinks? Dude, coordination! And he actually should’ve bought all FIVE of you drinks! Then he never comes back. Then he’s with your FRIEND! Somehow, I don’t think that was a coincidence! Friend hopping and bumping and grinding is never cool! And he bought her a drink! Awww man! I would’ve made Romeo look a little foolish had it been me. Lying is never cool, in or out of the club. Don’t say things you can’t do!

Invisible Family Ties

Q: I’m currently in the Navy and stationed out of state. I’ve been here for a few years since I signed up for the Navy. My wife and I moved here from the East Coast. And what I thought was supposed to be a happy event, we got pregnant. I was ecstatic, but my next deployment had me overseas around our son’s due date. Long story short, I came back from my deployment that she had left me with a girl she met and was supposedly in love with. Along with her, she took my son. I was a miserable mess trying to get my son back and sending divorce papers back and forth. I even had to fly back a few times to take care of some of the custody issues. I was crushed, after 9 months or so, my cousin introduced me to a new girl that had just moved into town. She was in the car when my cousin and her husband came to pick me up. She was beautiful and our eyes caught each other’s. Once we got to the dinner party, she and I just started talking endlessly. She was so different from the girls on the East Coast. She had an innocence about her but she was smart and confident. It’s almost as if chose to stay angelic even into her 30’s. I was in awe. On top of that she was beautiful and humble about it. She dressed well, but she wasn’t high maintenance. I could go on and on, but anyways we exchanged numbers. We also shared pictures of our kids with each other. She was in a separation but had 2 kids around the same age as my son. We went to the club that night and when we danced, I knew I wanted to get know her. She moved so sexily, I was even more attracted. We started talking for the next few weeks and we would talk for hours. We talked so much on the phone (I lived near the naval base an hour away) that I felt like I was in high school again. She made me feel so young and so hopeful. During one of our conversations, my cousin who had introduced us called me. She told me that her husband had asked for her to intervene. Her husband’s cousin was her ex (I knew this upon first meeting her but it didn’t matter to me). She asked that I stop talking to her and not interfere with her and her husband’s cousin (her soon to be ex husband). She was my cousin and I had to respect what she asked, in some ways she was right. So, I pulled back without explaining and stopped returning her calls. I miss her a ton and miss our conversations. She was a light at the end of the tunnel of my divorce. Did I make mistake? What should I do?

A: Wow, so you’re dating you’re cousin’s husband’s cousin’s soon to be ex-wife? Did I get that right? That’s a little bit convoluted. As long as that doesn’t say cousin’s cousin, I feel a little better. Hey, you never know. Okay, so you’re dating both in the process of divorcing and have kids. Another wow, okay give me a second to get it together. Son, there’s way more factors in this than whether you should go back to talking to her. I would say follow your heart, I mean, how often do you run into someone and when you first meet, your eyes just connect and see that same look back. THAT, is rare, I will tell you that. It’s a beautiful thing and some couples have started from that point and gone forward happily ever after. But I’d say you have no less than 5 issues to think about for you and her, 1) her kids 2) your kids 3) is she gonna go back to reconcile with her ex (hey, it happens) 4) will you do the same, 5)you’re in some ways related and have ties to put family first, 6) your wounds from failed marriages are still new, and 7) do you really want to introduce yourself as her ex-husband’s cousin’s wife’s cousin? Just a joke on number 7 there. Who cares how you met? You’re not blood, that’s safe. But, it sounds like you’ll piss a lot of your cousin’s husband’s family. And well, conflict in the beginning is never good, but regardless, some people will work it out. That could be you, but I know you probably get the butterflies (I won’t tell the guys) when you talk to her. Even still, we’re not in high school, we can’t just act on impulse, there’s a need to take calculated risks. And my calculations aren’t looking good at this point. It may be time to slow the train down, not STOP the train like you did. But, hey, there’s no harm in being friends, 1) you’ll still get time to talk, 2) she’ll still be in your life, 3) you’ll get to know each other without the pressure. You’ve also got the kid issue (actually kids, plural), because should you guys make it far enough to be together, you’ll have an instant good sized family. For me, I’m not down traditional social conventions. I guess you could say I’m a little rebel. If it were me, I’d do away with the complex family ties and go where your heart is, but go slow. True love is worth more than the ill feelings of family members getting involved in something that doesn’t pertain to them. Besides, in the end, it’s your happiness or unhappiness, not theirs. Slow down the soul train and come down to Earth to figure out with her if your two families have a possibility of merge. Aite cuz! Take care!

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