Pimping Deadlines

QUESTION:

I am so fed up with dating.  I broke up with an abusive boyfriend of 5 years last year.  And I have been on a rampage.  I haven’t really been looking for anything in particular, but all I have is bad luck.  All I seem to find is guys who could care 2 sh&ts about me.  I had never experienced such deep passion and intimacy as I did with my previous boyfriend.  So, the only goal I really had was to prove to myself that I could experience that with someone else and that abusive boyfriend was not the ‘one’ for me.  I met guys everywhere–the mall, nightclubs, bars, through friends, Facebook, etc. through most of the year.  And none of it was intimate like it was with him.  I finally met one where it was full of intimacy and passion, but that one night we slept together was about all we had.  After that, he was a complete jerk and lead me on for the next couple months.  I was so jaded by the whole situation, I scrubbed my entire phone of guys I had met.  I scrubbed 30 numbers.  I had no idea I had talked and dated so many guys.  I vowed to myself that I was done with that lifestyle.  I cut everything off with every single guy I was dating then.  And I took myself off the market.  I needed a lot of reflection time, I’m a sweet, innocent girl, I didn’t want what any of those guys had to offer.  All I had wanted was just to have fun and it wasn’t fun anymore.  So, for a few weeks, I just kept it low key.  Then, we went out to the club one night and my BFF’s twin who had moved back was with us.  I had never met him before, he was working in Hawaii, so we never had a chance to meet.  He was shy, had a cute smile, was really intelligent based on our conversation, and we had a spark when we started dancing.  We gave me his number and I decided to message him.  He just messaged me and messaged me right after another.  He would write 4 screens worth of messages.  He didn’t hold anything back.  A couple days after the club, he asked me if I wanted to go to the mall.  We went there and ate, had a great team.  When it was time for me to get out of the car, he leaned in and kissed me a few times.  I was mesmerized, but that night after some thought, I realized I was still jaded.  I didn’t want to date.  I’m thinking about cutting things off before they start so I’m true to my ‘reflection’ time.  Am I making a mistake?  If you felt that instant connection with someone, should you go after it?

SLICK RICK:

This is quite a predicament you are in.  On one hand, I completely understand why you feel jaded and completely against wanting to date or engage in a relationship with someone new.  After countless times of heartache and disappointment, you probably have the thought that he would just be ‘another typical guy’. I know this is quite confusing and pretty frustrating, but never fear, Slick Rick is here!

I have been in your shoes before when it comes to being completely against going out with someone new.  In your experience, you had an abusive jerk that treated you like garbage and probably didn’t deserve a second of your time anyway. I do have a question for you. Just for clarification, the guy that was abusive to you…was he also the one that you shared the deep passion and intimacy with?  I just wanted to get a better understanding for myself as well as any others that may read this. If this is the case, the reason why your experiences with him were so intimate is because you spent the most amount of time with him. You became dependent upon him and his ways, even though you recognize that he was abusive to you. I do not know that you mean by abusive, but regardless of whether it was physical, mental, or emotional; any type of abuse is WRONG.

Before I really get in depth, I want you to understand that I am not a psychologist or doctor of any kind, but simply a man with advice. If he has physically abused you, I suggest you report it to the police.  Ok, now back to your first situation. After spending nearly five years with a person, it is natural to compare anyone new to how your ex treated you physically, mentally, affectionately, ect.  If this guy had you thinking that his ‘stuff’ was the best there is out there because of his abuse, it can take serious time to recover from such a devastating experience.  Now I have no idea how your intimate lifestyle was with the guy or any of that, but if you say it was ‘the best’ then I will take your word for it.  I do want to ask what made him the best? If a person could treat you so wrongly, how is it that he is anything but a jackass?

I want to make it clear to you as well as any other reader; having these feelings towards the new men you meet is not your fault. It sounds like you tried to get back in the game after breaking up with your ex, and unfortunately, you have found out that many guys are jerks. It can be difficult meeting new guys whether it be on Facebook, through friends, going out to bars/clubs, ect.  You said that once you realized that you were not happy, you ended up deleting 30 names/numbers.  I think this is good that you took a step back and analyzed the lifestyle you were leading and did not like the person you were or were becoming.  If you are not truly happy with who you are, it will be impossible to find happiness with anyone or to even try to engage in a relationship. Taking time away from others to have personal reflection is very important to gaining your sanity, especially from a bad relationship and then from other terrible dating situations.

I personally think it is good that you have met your BFF’s twin and the two of you had a good time meeting one another.  You had a chance to see him multiple times and he even made you have that special feeling that you have been longing to have by treating you the way you deserve to be treated.  This is where things are going to get a little difficult and only you can answer these questions.

Have you fully recovered from your abusive relationship enough to trust another man to not treat you that way? You are the only one who knows when you have truly recovered from that traumatic experience. If you haven’t recovered, then I suggest you take it easy before you get too far involved with this guy. So far it sounds like you really enjoy his company and him being around though.

How comfortable do you feel around him? Do you feel like you can be open with him or do you feel reserved?  The reason I ask these questions is because I once met a girl that had just got out of a physically abusive relationship.  The girl would literally jump back when I would try to hug her or show any affection and it scared me half to death because I thought it was something I was doing.  I confronted her about this because if it was me, I wanted to know what I was doing wrong.  She then explained to me she had a previous boyfriend hit her often and verbally abused her, so she was afraid of men.  After hearing this, I felt it was my duty as a man (especially one that liked her), to show her that not all men are that way.  I didn’t pressure her to talk to me, but when she did open up, it made her feel much more at ease about being around me and understanding that not all me were like her ex-boyfriend.  So my advice with this is if you do feel like you are at a comfortable enough stage in your reflection time period, you may want to just talk with him about your previous experience with your ex-boyfriend and some other men you have dated.  If you explain to him that you are very cautious right now about dating because of some terrible experiences you have had, he will more than likely be understanding of why you are timid rather than assuming that it is something he is doing. This will at least give him a chance to show if he has what it takes to be with you!

I would definitely say that if you had an instant connection with him, especially if you know his twin very well, that it is at least worth a chance.  I must give you a word of caution though, and this is something you will have to consider.  If you date your friend’s twin, will it change the dynamic of you and your BFF’s friendship if anything should happen to you and him if you do decide to date?  I would discuss this with your friend as well as with the guy because you wouldn’t want to ruin two relationships if something goes sour.  Aside from that, I say give it a shot…it could be the best thing that happens to you.  As always, I hope Slick Rick has been helpful! 🙂

Taking chances

Q: I’ve been single for about 6 months now, I left my ex of 3 years, we had gotten engaged. But, a couple months before, I decided that I wasn’t in love and that I still wanted to date around to see what was out there. I had been in back to back relationships for the last 10 yrs, and I wanted to just date. Plain and simple, meet different guys, go out on dates, get to know different guys with different backgrounds and perspectives. I wasn’t ready to settle down at all, I still had a lot of living and learning to do. I had never really ‘dated’, most of my boyfriends were guys who I was once friends with. And a lot of times, I’d just kinda go along with the progression of things and would end up in a relationship. I didn’t think I knew myself enough to know what I wanted out of a guy, so I thought dating around would be the perfect way to accomplish my mission. And as I got to know my ex more and more with the each day, I knew there were a lot of things about him that I know I couldn’t live with. I made a mental note of all those things and decided I would run if I saw any of those characteristics in someone. So, I began dating, I was so amazed how the guys would flock to me. My ex never used to make me feel like I was beautiful enough, I was constantly compared to supermodels and badgered about any physical flaws I had. I loved the attention I was getting, I would meet 2-3 guys a night. Unless they were complete assholes, I’d give them a chance to get to know them. I would meet them in bars and clubs, and I would give them the benefit of the doubt. I would love to be with a Christian guy since I was a strong Christian girl, but I didn’t want to feel like I was using the church as my dating grounds. But, I ended up meeting a really great guy there anyways. He was very cute and something about him drew me into him, mainly his gentle and kind nature. He would just smile and I would get a little a tingly feeling. He didn’t meet my height requirement (I didn’t have this until I met my ex) and he didn’t really show he was interested. I mean, he didn’t ask for my phone number until a month later when we were talking with mutual friends about all going tubing. So, I wrote him off as possibly being interested in me. After that, we started to text message every day and he’d always be sweet, asking about my day and how I was doing. He seemed very genuinely interested in my life and my work. All the while, I kept dating around. It was a pain, I met some real jerks. I met a few boring cats and no one would ever make it past 6 weeks (and even THAT was rare), but most never even made it that far. This church guy would listen to all my dating stories, always telling me they weren’t worth it or that I deserved better. He was there for me and I felt like I had found such a good friend. We would go out once a week and do something kiddish and fun. We’d go to goofy golf, to the park and play childhood games like hopscotch or Operation. The night of my birthday, he gave me a card telling me how much I meant to him and a bouquet of flowers. He also gave me a framed photograph of him and me that he had taken of us in front of a garden of flowers (on timer, of course). He still had not said that he liked me and he wasn’t following the dating model I knew about (with us going out every few days). Granted, he was still in school getting his bachelors, but I figured the guy would spend more time with me than that if he truly liked me. I really did like the guy, I felt so connected to him. I was happy whenever I heard from him, he had all the qualities I wanted–honest, gentle, chill, family-oriented, strong faith, strong family background, thoughtful, and helpful. I could go on and on. I love to sing and he did as well, we’d go to karaoke all the time and sing love songs together all the time. I don’t know what to do. I love the dating around, it’s fun meeting guys from all different backgrounds and I love the attention. Once I met 5 guys in 2 weeks. I’m scared to settle down, I don’t want to end up unhappy 3 years from now (like my ex) and be bored. I want the sure thing, the lasting one. Because if not, then I’m just gonna go play the field. Besides, he hasn’t ever said he likes me and we’ve never had ‘the’ talk! Should I go for it? I really think he could be the one, but I’m scared to put myself out there and get in a new relationship. But he also doesn’t fit my height requirement. What should I do?

A: Wait, what is the problem with this guy here? I’m lost. Can I just have this guy? He fits my list too! Far fetched for me to say that, you might think, but I don’t think so. Good guys get snatched up fast and you best believe if YOU think he’s great, so do a lot of other girls. You haven’t staked your claim, so don’t be surprised if he gets taken by another girl before your very eyes! The guy hasn’t said he likes you, that isn’t surprising either. Sometimes the things that really matter are the ones not said. Maybe he doesn’t know how to express himself, maybe he’s shy. And more than likely, just like you, he’s afraid to put himself out there. There are some guys out there, more likely similar to the ones you meet in the bars and clubs, who are not afraid to go up to a girl. These guys are aggressive, which is great, but for guys who aren’t like that, they get lost in the crowd for girls like you who have guys left and right going after you. Maybe being with him is not as exciting as the dating world with umpteen million guys, but trust me, sooner or later that dating scene will grow old! Not to stereotype, but GENERALLY, the kind of guys you want to settle down with are not the ones in the bars and clubs (especially if you are a person strong in your faith). The only thing you know you have in common with a guy at the bar/club is that you both like to go to bars and clubs, which isn’t much of a leg to stand on. And what is this height requirement thing you can’t let go of? I mean, rides at the fair have requirements, is that a make or break for you? Because if it is, then he’s better off going to someone who won’t let such a thing stop them from being with someone who could be the one. I’m sure there’s plenty of your physical aspects that may not fit his ‘requirements’, maybe you have ugly toes or something. But, you have to weigh those things with the things that matter in a marriage and are important to you. GO FOR IT! What do you have to lose (as long as you royally don’t mess up and do something unforgiveable to him or vice versa)? He’s already made it clear he’s your friend regardless. If you don’t take the chance, you’ll never know how good it could be (it could always be bad too, but that’s the chance you take). He’s your friend now and he’s already shown he’s there for you, that he knows how to give you a thoughtful birthday gift and he has the qualities you want in a man. If you think he’s the one, then why not take the chance? But, heed my warning, if you’re not ready to leave the ‘dating’ scene behind and be with ONE guy and ONE guy alone (not looking for attention from random men), then don’t cross the friend zone. The last thing you want to do is jump into something unprepared and end up cheating. Just like when you go deep sea diving, you get the right equipment, get trained before you do the big dive, and jump in the big blue. And yes, getting into a relationship is like jumping in the big blue, you don’t know what you’ll discover once you get in. But if that person is worth it, you’ll want to go deep sea diving more often, especially if you see the beautiful coral and sea life! You’re only touching the surface right now, baby, there’s a whole ocean full of beautiful you’ll find if you take that dive.

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