Pimping Deadlines

QUESTION:

I am so fed up with dating.  I broke up with an abusive boyfriend of 5 years last year.  And I have been on a rampage.  I haven’t really been looking for anything in particular, but all I have is bad luck.  All I seem to find is guys who could care 2 sh&ts about me.  I had never experienced such deep passion and intimacy as I did with my previous boyfriend.  So, the only goal I really had was to prove to myself that I could experience that with someone else and that abusive boyfriend was not the ‘one’ for me.  I met guys everywhere–the mall, nightclubs, bars, through friends, Facebook, etc. through most of the year.  And none of it was intimate like it was with him.  I finally met one where it was full of intimacy and passion, but that one night we slept together was about all we had.  After that, he was a complete jerk and lead me on for the next couple months.  I was so jaded by the whole situation, I scrubbed my entire phone of guys I had met.  I scrubbed 30 numbers.  I had no idea I had talked and dated so many guys.  I vowed to myself that I was done with that lifestyle.  I cut everything off with every single guy I was dating then.  And I took myself off the market.  I needed a lot of reflection time, I’m a sweet, innocent girl, I didn’t want what any of those guys had to offer.  All I had wanted was just to have fun and it wasn’t fun anymore.  So, for a few weeks, I just kept it low key.  Then, we went out to the club one night and my BFF’s twin who had moved back was with us.  I had never met him before, he was working in Hawaii, so we never had a chance to meet.  He was shy, had a cute smile, was really intelligent based on our conversation, and we had a spark when we started dancing.  We gave me his number and I decided to message him.  He just messaged me and messaged me right after another.  He would write 4 screens worth of messages.  He didn’t hold anything back.  A couple days after the club, he asked me if I wanted to go to the mall.  We went there and ate, had a great team.  When it was time for me to get out of the car, he leaned in and kissed me a few times.  I was mesmerized, but that night after some thought, I realized I was still jaded.  I didn’t want to date.  I’m thinking about cutting things off before they start so I’m true to my ‘reflection’ time.  Am I making a mistake?  If you felt that instant connection with someone, should you go after it?

SLICK RICK:

This is quite a predicament you are in.  On one hand, I completely understand why you feel jaded and completely against wanting to date or engage in a relationship with someone new.  After countless times of heartache and disappointment, you probably have the thought that he would just be ‘another typical guy’. I know this is quite confusing and pretty frustrating, but never fear, Slick Rick is here!

I have been in your shoes before when it comes to being completely against going out with someone new.  In your experience, you had an abusive jerk that treated you like garbage and probably didn’t deserve a second of your time anyway. I do have a question for you. Just for clarification, the guy that was abusive to you…was he also the one that you shared the deep passion and intimacy with?  I just wanted to get a better understanding for myself as well as any others that may read this. If this is the case, the reason why your experiences with him were so intimate is because you spent the most amount of time with him. You became dependent upon him and his ways, even though you recognize that he was abusive to you. I do not know that you mean by abusive, but regardless of whether it was physical, mental, or emotional; any type of abuse is WRONG.

Before I really get in depth, I want you to understand that I am not a psychologist or doctor of any kind, but simply a man with advice. If he has physically abused you, I suggest you report it to the police.  Ok, now back to your first situation. After spending nearly five years with a person, it is natural to compare anyone new to how your ex treated you physically, mentally, affectionately, ect.  If this guy had you thinking that his ‘stuff’ was the best there is out there because of his abuse, it can take serious time to recover from such a devastating experience.  Now I have no idea how your intimate lifestyle was with the guy or any of that, but if you say it was ‘the best’ then I will take your word for it.  I do want to ask what made him the best? If a person could treat you so wrongly, how is it that he is anything but a jackass?

I want to make it clear to you as well as any other reader; having these feelings towards the new men you meet is not your fault. It sounds like you tried to get back in the game after breaking up with your ex, and unfortunately, you have found out that many guys are jerks. It can be difficult meeting new guys whether it be on Facebook, through friends, going out to bars/clubs, ect.  You said that once you realized that you were not happy, you ended up deleting 30 names/numbers.  I think this is good that you took a step back and analyzed the lifestyle you were leading and did not like the person you were or were becoming.  If you are not truly happy with who you are, it will be impossible to find happiness with anyone or to even try to engage in a relationship. Taking time away from others to have personal reflection is very important to gaining your sanity, especially from a bad relationship and then from other terrible dating situations.

I personally think it is good that you have met your BFF’s twin and the two of you had a good time meeting one another.  You had a chance to see him multiple times and he even made you have that special feeling that you have been longing to have by treating you the way you deserve to be treated.  This is where things are going to get a little difficult and only you can answer these questions.

Have you fully recovered from your abusive relationship enough to trust another man to not treat you that way? You are the only one who knows when you have truly recovered from that traumatic experience. If you haven’t recovered, then I suggest you take it easy before you get too far involved with this guy. So far it sounds like you really enjoy his company and him being around though.

How comfortable do you feel around him? Do you feel like you can be open with him or do you feel reserved?  The reason I ask these questions is because I once met a girl that had just got out of a physically abusive relationship.  The girl would literally jump back when I would try to hug her or show any affection and it scared me half to death because I thought it was something I was doing.  I confronted her about this because if it was me, I wanted to know what I was doing wrong.  She then explained to me she had a previous boyfriend hit her often and verbally abused her, so she was afraid of men.  After hearing this, I felt it was my duty as a man (especially one that liked her), to show her that not all men are that way.  I didn’t pressure her to talk to me, but when she did open up, it made her feel much more at ease about being around me and understanding that not all me were like her ex-boyfriend.  So my advice with this is if you do feel like you are at a comfortable enough stage in your reflection time period, you may want to just talk with him about your previous experience with your ex-boyfriend and some other men you have dated.  If you explain to him that you are very cautious right now about dating because of some terrible experiences you have had, he will more than likely be understanding of why you are timid rather than assuming that it is something he is doing. This will at least give him a chance to show if he has what it takes to be with you!

I would definitely say that if you had an instant connection with him, especially if you know his twin very well, that it is at least worth a chance.  I must give you a word of caution though, and this is something you will have to consider.  If you date your friend’s twin, will it change the dynamic of you and your BFF’s friendship if anything should happen to you and him if you do decide to date?  I would discuss this with your friend as well as with the guy because you wouldn’t want to ruin two relationships if something goes sour.  Aside from that, I say give it a shot…it could be the best thing that happens to you.  As always, I hope Slick Rick has been helpful! 🙂

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Beach Bum Formal Wear


Q: I have one of the sexiest, good looking guys ever. I mean, he is GQ model hot. He also happens to be a great guy, so I got really lucky! The only thing is that because he’s a professional surfer, he wears nothing but surfer wear. He has a huge walk-in closet of nothing but t-shirts, ripped cargo shorts, and board shorts. He has tons and tons of clothes and all he has are those items. On top of that, he has the long messy mop of hair that he rarely styles. He really seriously looks like he’s coming out of a surfer ad all the time. I love him for it, that’s who he is. He’s total opposite of me when it comes to that and I love the way our relationship is. I wouldn’t change him for the world and I totally support him. I watch all his competitions. I even get time off work for week long trips when he goes all over the world. But, I’m an advertising executive at my company and it’s a totally different world in terms of dress style. I love him to death, but I’m really trying to move up in my career. He’s done some things that are really hurting my reputation and credibility. I don’t care that he’s a surfer. He’s passionate about what he does and I love that about him. But, in other people’s eyes and corporate America, cargo shorts and t-shirts don’t represent a killer instinct for an advertising executive. The last 3 work event we went to, he wore: 1) white jacket, t-shirt, and ripped cargos, 2) tan jacket, white capris, and a t-shirt and 3) gargoyle sweater with ripped off shorts. And to top it off, he wore sandals every time! I tried to convince him to get an actual formal outfit after the first event, but obviously he didn’t. Help me! I don’t know what to do! I love the guy, but I also love my career. How can I mesh these 2 parts of my world? What should I say to him?

A: Very interesting. I’ve heard a lot of issues, but clothing is a rare one. And that’s pretty cool I have to say to be a corporate woman dating a professional surfer. That’s a rare combination and in some ways, the best of both worlds. I mean, really, who doesn’t want to fly all around the world to attend surf competitions. So, enough of my drooling over your cool lifestyle, back to the matter at hand. Have you considered that he may not know exactly what to wear? He is a surfer and it sounds like he lives that lifestyle 24/7, especially after you described his closet. I’d suggest a little television viewing, oh maybe, start with flipping to ‘What Not to Wear’ and oooing and awwwing about how good the clothes look on the guy in the show. Maybe, drop a few GQ and other style magazines you can think of, for some bathroom reading. This guy’s been living and breathing surfer life for a while, it’s going to take some time adjusting. So, start easy on the guy. Give him some time to warm up to the idea. You may even want to consider skipping the inviting him for the next few work events just to give you time to work a slow transition in him. You can dismiss them as not a big deal or something quick that he doesn’t need to attend, etc. You get the picture. You can even buy him an exact outfit of what you think he should wear, maybe throw it in with the line that it ‘matches’ with your outfit. Those are the subtle methods just to take you through the next few months. But, if you need a quicker transition and have a big work event coming up, then it’s time to sit surfer boy down and have a heart to heart. Explain how much it means for your career and reputation. Don’t forget to stress that you value who he is and you’re not trying to change him, but it’s all part of the ‘game’ (he should understand the game mentality as he’s in a competitive sport) that you have to play. If he loves you as much as you love him, he’ll understand what it means to you and for your career. You may also want to give him an example of something similar in his line that could potentially hurt his career, so he could understand that you would do what it takes to support him in his career and not do something like that. If anything, heck, put him in an ad for one of your projects and show the guy off, bring in the revenue, and prove to your company you’ve got what it takes and the support you need to get there with your poster GQ boy. Hang loose and don’t forget to call me to travel with you on your next surf competition. Surf’s up.

Creating life in destruction

Q: My girlfriend is psycho and is getting on my case. Well, actually technically we’re on a break but we do still mess around. I do love her though. Four months ago when we started living together, we found out a month later she was pregnant and we had only been dating for a year. Everything was great prior to the ‘accident’. It was her fault, she stopped being on the pill and I told her that it was her fault. We fought over the whole thing, took 4 pregnancy tests to make sure, and she wanted me to stay together with her. She wanted to read family books together and plan the baby room. She was moving way too fast for me, so I decided to move out and left her to live by herself. She thinks I’m not there for her, but I am. I see her every few days, but she’s just dependent on me because she has no family within a 5 hr drive. I am not ready for any of this and I still keep my same lifestyle. I don’t want to marry her just because of the pregnancy, the thought of only sleeping with one girl the rest of my life scares the life out of me. She wants me to give up my night life of going out half the week, but I don’t want to. I don’t think I should and the kid isn’t here yet. We get to be intimate but I don’t have to be there all the time for her anymore, it’s less stressful. I didn’t tell her, but I started meeting other girls and talking to different girls that I meet and see out often when I go out. I don’t live with her anymore, so I see and spend time with different girls throughout the week. I know she’s not dating anyone, she doesn’t feel right dating someone while she’s pregnant. Plus, I’d be upset if she got intimate with another guy while she’s carrying my child. She was great before all this happened, we had fun together, she loved to be with me. She had her life together more than most girls I knew. She really was the total package, but she just got needy when she got pregnant. Now she constantly on a daily basis goes through my phone and gets upset at texts she sees from different girls. She’s even called a couple of the girls and told them she was pregnant with my kid. I know I didn’t talk to other girls before when we were together, but technically we’re not together even though we haven’t officially said it. How can I get her off my back and to stop being so needy? I want to keep things the way they were before the pregnancy.

A: But wow, so everything is great, then she gets pregnant and then it’s ruined? You say you love this girl, then she begins to carry your child and it’s ruined. And, I had to read that like TEN times to make sure, and yes, indeed, it said it was HER fault. If it was her fault honey, she wouldn’t have needed you. It takes two to tango and when the dance is done, you either keep going or end the dance right there. It’s your choice. You do realize this ‘girlfriend on a break’ is pregnant and instead of preparing for a child, you’re refusing to change your lifestyle. In fact, you bail and move out when it happens. Usually bailing out and talking to other girls doesn’t really spell love for a woman or man for that matter (reversed with guys instead). Party boy, you’re in for a rude awakening when that child is born (and believe me, it will come sooner than you know) that child will need you to feed/change/soothe her/him in the middle of the night at all hours. If you can say your all night partying is preparing for you to stay up when the child is born, I guess you could use that backwards, roundabout excuse. But honestly the sooner you starting preparing, the quicker the transition to fatherhood will be for you. In fact, look at your ‘girlfriend’ and see that you’re already a father in the making. If all that means is to sort through your fears, expectations, cares and worries, then you’re doing all 3 of you a favor. A child is an extension of the love (which you said is true because you did mention the L word) between 2 people, not a lightning bolt striking them dead on the spot. Life does go on and you have a precious life in your hands. In fact, you have TWO lives in your hand now. No matter if you stay with this young lady or not, you will always have a relationship with her and if you’re going to be a good father, you’ll treat her with the same respect that I’m hoping you’d like to teach your son. But, then again, I’m making an assumption that’s what you want to teach your child, people do have different values nowadays. Her ‘neediness’ is a real thing as a result of the pregnancy, she loves you and wants you to step up to the plate and take care of her and your child. Her going out days are gone, at least for now, while you continue to make no changes and actually start talking to other girls. ‘Technically’ you’re still together if you haven’t had the ‘talk’. So, you can talk and do whatever it is that you do with these girls, BUT she can’t be intimate with a man because your child is inside her. Make up your mind, your double standard is painfully obvious. If you’re scared and in denial, which it sounds like you are, then do start there. That’s how you get her off your back, full disclosure that there’s other girls, you want to keep your lifestyle, you don’t want to commit fully to her and you have no clue as to what kind of father you’ll be or how to man up. Do her a favor and let her go, someone else will take her and treat her the way she deserves. And let me tell you if she’s such a great catch, she’ll be gone before you wise up to the truth of the matter. There are tons of men out there ready to accept a single mother and take charge and lead the family. Sit back down, get off the ship, and let her maneuver her way through the rough waters ahead. I’ll tell you she’s better off alone than to bring your drama with her. This is going to happen whether you’re ready or not. You can choose to be involved in the beautiful gift that is unfolding itself or you can have your single life with women, booze, and the freedom to please you and only you. Do what you gotta do, this will go on with or without your commitment.

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