Baby Daddy or Husband

Most couples like to enjoy themselves every now and then with physical intimacy.  It is the highest expression of your desire for another person.  But what happens when the unplanned happens and you have to face the consequences after?  Read on.

QUESTION:

I’ve been dating this guy for 4 months and I feel really strongly about him, more than any other guy before him.  He’s a real gentleman, always makes me feel safe, and truly cares for me.  He does things for me that I never imagined in a dateable guy.  He encourages me, inspires me, and is always humbly leading us, taking care of everything.  We’ve had a wonderful time dating this entire time and started being intimate last month.  Well, now we’re dealing with an unplanned pregnancy.  I already have a 3 yr old from another baby daddy, and I am embarassed as hell that I will have another baby daddy.  I truly care for him and I think he’s planning to propose next month during Christmas vacation when I visit my parents.  It’s just my gut feel.  I thought I could marry him, but then I’m scared of a ton of marriage issues.  What if he cheats on me?  Will we be financially okay?  How will he treat my 3 yr old?  How will my 3 yr old react?  He’s in the Army, so what happens when he deploys?  Will he agree with my ways of parenting?  Will I be able to run a domestic household?  I really love and care for him, but I’m scared to take that jump to marriage.  The baby daddy of my last child was horrible and did nothing for us, I was left to be mother, provider, working mom, and dad all in one.  He tells me ,he will ‘do right by me’ ,and be my side, but how do I know for sure.  Part of me just doesn’t want to get married because I’m so scared.  But, I know he’s husband material.  I’m not sure whether I want him as a baby daddy or a husband?  How do I know?  Is this natural to be this scared?  If I’m so afraid of the consequences, should I have be physically intimate with him?  What’s the best thing to do?

SLICK RICK:

To start this off, all I can say is WOW!!!  For once in my life, I have encountered an issue that required me to put a hand over my mouth, shake my head, take a deep breath and say holy crap!  Not to worry though, Slick Rick at your service.

There is a lot of emotions and scenarios involved in your situation. It has only been four months since you and your boyfriend have been together, so while it may “seem like you have known each other forever”, it is still a short amount of time. I do have some questions for you though. First, does he know about your 3 year old and the whole “other baby daddy” situation? I know it can be difficult introducing your child to a new man, especially if it doesn’t seem to be working out with him (although from the way it sounds you two are working out wonderfully). Having to continuously introduce a child to different men can become confusing and create unstability within the household; so if you haven’t introduced the two, then I completely understand your logic behind it. Second, does your boyfriend know that you are pregnant yet?  If he does, then at least he is briefed on the fact that he is about to become a father and it won’t be a total shock.  If he does not know, it would be in your best interest to inform him IMMEDIATELY.  As a man, we don’t like for bombs to be dropped in our laps at the last minute. The sooner he knows your are pregnant, the better for both of you and for numerous issues such as stress, anxiety, fear, etc…Third, why does your gut tell you he is going to propose? Has marriage even come up in discussions? I’m not knocking your ‘gut feelings’ because I get those too.  I’m just trying to understand your logic and where that idea is coming from. Four, have you met his parents, particularly his father? Not all the time, but a fair amount of the time you can gather an idea about how your guy is going to be as a husband/father based on his parents and how he is raised. Remember, this is not with EVERYONE.  Also, I hear this quite often from many women I come in contact with, (especially my girlfriend) that they only see themselves marrying someone that reminds them of THEIR OWN father. Now I’m not sure how your father is, but if he is a great man, then perhaps you could use him as a guide to judging your own man. Five, what is your living situation? Do you live together? Do you have a job as well? Do you guys both help each other pay the bills or is it ‘every man/woman for themselves’?

I know these questions may seemall over the map and random, but they each have significance in your situation. You said that he is a great guy, always encouraging you, taking care of everything, etc.  It sounds like he is a heck of a guy right off the bat.  Being in the military also helps weed out the “asshole” portion of him a lot, because the military tries to grooms assholes into intelligent, hard-working men (although that’s not always the case). It doesn’t work for all, but for many, it seems to do the trick. You also have to keep in mind, it is a good idea to remember that your last “baby daddy” was too immature to be a father, but you can’t judge your current man based on another man’s mistakes. You are with this guy for a reason, so be sure not to punish him based off of a former relationship.

Okay, I think questions 1 and 2 are pretty self explanatory as to why you should discuss these with your boyfriend. If you feel comfortable around him and that he is an earnest, hard-working, compassionate guy.  And he also treats you with the utmost dignity and respect, you should do the same for him and enlighten him about your 3 year old. If you are pregnant with his baby now, you should DEFINITELY tell him about that as well.

On to question 3, your gut tells you he is going to propose.  Let’s take it easy here.  You never want to assume anything, especially when your man is going to propose.  If you have been discussing it, then that’s one thing to get excited about it.  If it hasn’t come up in conversation at all, it is best to probably leave it be. It is best to conquer the mountain one situation at a time.  And the current situation is your unplanned pregnancy. Now remember, this is only my advice (if any others reading this have advice here feel free to jump in).  But once you break the news to him about being pregnant, that’s when you begin to ask about how it is going to work out.  You definitely don’t want to just assume that he is going to propose.  Because if he doesn’t, then you are setting yourself up for a HUGE let-down.

For most responsible men, once you tell them that you are pregnant, a sense of manhood and ownership takes control over us.  It triggers our brains to get ready to become the provider that we are meant to be. It may take him a few days or even a week to get his brain together.  But be there with him, as he will be there for you, and talk to him about everything you are thinking as far as theabout your future together. If you are worried about the money and all that keep this in mind, the military always looks out for family!  They will help with medical for you and the baby, housing, etc.  Also, if you do decide to work together on this and the military does help you guys out.  They will also do this in the event he gets deployed, as long as you are living together and have proof that he is the father (paternity test). My advice for living together is to discuss moving in to basic housing, which is provided by the military, to make your living arrangements easier for the both of you.

With question four, it’s only my interpretation and not always true. Typically when you see your significant other’s family, you get a good feel for how he is raised and what values/morals he has. Word of caution though, we all do not turn out as our parents do. Everyone is their own person, so you have to just feel him out and see how he is.  If he is as caring and compassionate as you say, then it doesn’t sound like he is going to go rogue and change based on your unplanned pregnancy.  You said that he is always around and encouraging you.  To me it doesn’t sound like he is going to ‘up and cheat’ on you just because you are pregnant.

As for question five, the reason I asked all this info is because if you are already living together, then both of you splitting the bills should be a natural thing.  When I moved in with my girlfriend (after a month of dating) we immediately sat down together as we began discussing what the bills were (rent, electric, water, etc). We divided them up and both contributed.  She currently makes more money than I do, but with all my checks, I contribute as much as I can and we work it out together.  Obviously if you do not live together, this could be problematic. My suggestion is after you inform him you are pregnant, it would be wise to give him a few days to let everything sink in.  After he has time to get a grasp on being a father, I would sit down with him and present the idea of living together, especially if you have plans of wanting to marry him.  There is no better way of telling if things are going to work out with another individual than living together.  By doing this, you find out everything you need to about a person: likes/dislikes, cleanliness, how well you are in each other’s space, etc.

As far as your parenting skills, all I can say is that you already have your own ways with your 3 year old.  You won’t know how he acts as a parent until you introduce him to your current child.  Basically, tread lightly with this. What I mean is to explain to him your methods and ask if he has any suggestions. Your child is already acclimated to your ways and might rebel against him, if he isn’t consistent with your forms of discipline. Talk to him about what you do with your child and give it a trial run.  The worst thing is not to give him a chance to show that he can take care of business in that department. If it doesn’t work out with him being a disciplinarian, then I suggest you handle your 3 year old and start fresh with the new baby.

Being scared is a natural part of all of this stuff. I mean I’m sitting here writing this and thinking to myself, this poor girl must be petrified. Just remember, take it one day at a time.  Be open, honest, and give him a fair shot to be the man he claims he is. Don’t judge him based off of your previous ‘baby daddy’ because he will grow distant from you.  It will create resentment if he is consistently compared to a former man. Be just as supportive of him as he is of you.  Keep this in mind as well: he is probably just as scared as you are, if not more (as men we will never admit this to our woman).  I hope this helps you with your ‘baby daddy’ issue :).  Congratulations on your pregnancy (even if it was unplanned) and good luck!!

*Slick Rick now needs a vacation haha*

Posted using Tinydesk Writer iPhone app

Lightning Fast

QUESTION:

I’ve been talking to this great guy for the last few months. The other day we got into a disagreement and being the persistence person I am, I kept probing him as to what he was thinking. Some other things were said and he told me he couldn’t provide the life I deserved in the future. I was crushed and I couldn’t let it go. I freaked out because he was so amazing. We had a really strong bond and I felt blindsided with how he was cutting things off. I know we had rushed into things, we had already talked about having babies and life would be like when we’re married. I tell him everything. And embarrassingly, I cried after the 3rd day of talking some terrible things that happened in my past. Surprisingly he stayed up until 5am that night talking to me and we continued to talk after that. The next 5 days we went over and over discussing our situation. We eventually got worn out. And now we’re talking again as frequently as we did before every morning, all throughout the day, and at night. This has been going on for a few weeks since that initial talk of cutting things off. The only thing that’s different is that we don’t talk about babies and marriage anymore. He says we’re just getting to know each other instead of talking. Should I let him go? What does he mean by ‘just getting to know each other’? What kind of title is that?

ELLE:

Wow, third day and crying? It’s a miracle you didn’t scare the guy off those first few days. He must REALLY like you to stick around. But it sounds like he’s getting worn down at the lightning speed you two have been traveling. It honestly sounds like you’re both at fault here. You guys let yourselves get carried away in the ooey gooey and mushy things. This isn’t high school anymore. This is the real world where you have to take into account factors like trust, taking care of each other, the future, and eventually finances. All of those take time to get to and there really is no reason to rush. You cannot rush getting to know someone. Although you guys may have felt close, there’s only so much you can already be close about. It really takes time to see how a person really is. You can’t rush the good things in life. But, yes, you should be choosy about what you say to him. He’s not one of your girlfriends and shouldn’t be told every detail of your past, or every thought, or about all your girlfriends’ romantic lives. And honey, if you guys are still acting the same as you were before, then titles aren’t really a big thing. As long as he’s consistent and is devoted to you, in due time, I’m sure the title will come. Just enjoy your time together and each moment, worrying about the future or things to come is a useless place to put your energy. And good call on not talking about babies and marriage anymore. Trust me, there’s plenty of time to do that, you don’t want to be worrying about the future now. What you have is today, so make the most of it!

Love at First Sight

QUESTION:

I recently started dating a really great guy. Things are literally PERFECT! We have great chemistry. We can talk for hours on end. We are really close but have only been dating a few weeks. We feel like we’ve known each other and when we’re together we’re always gazing into each other’s eyes. On our first date, we stood in front of my house while he stood in awe of my outfit. I had put my best effort into wearing some nice stilettos, cute skirt and cute top. He takes care of everything! He pays for everything, he’s a gentleman, and he always makes me feel so beautiful with all the compliments he gives. The wrench in this whole thing is that he’s in special ops in the Air Force. Right now he’s training but will eventually get deployed. He’s afraid to marry me because he doesn’t want me or our future family to endure the difficulties of deployment. Nor does he want to get killed in action. He’s told me he’ll work through his fears but I’m not sure what to do. Do I stay? Do I cut it off now before we get closer? Our relationship and bond is without a doubt, PERFECT!

ARIANA:

Sounds like you dear, have found what many people search the ends of the earth for.  It is rare to have that great bond so early into a relationship.  I have known couples who are now happily married after being in a situation like yours.  But, the difference being the deployment issue.  It sounds like he’s very afraid of something that could possibly happen.  If you are to marry this guy, you have to be ready to accept the fact that he may really be killed in action.  You don’t have to live in constant fear that it will happen, but strong enough to accept that possibility, along with the consequences that affect you.  Whether you stay or not is whether you view this guy as a possibility for marriage, but you will get attached the more time you spend with him.  But, you also have to be sure he really is working through his fears, if it’s not something he’s 100% without a doubt sure he doesn’t want marriage and family, given his service in the Air Force, then there is a possibility it could happen.  And if you’re going to stay, I suggest you tighten up your boot straps and learn to be strong enough to show him you’ll be able to take care of the family even while he’s on deployment.  If you don’t show this, you’ll further prove to him that his fears are right and he may walk.  I’m an all or nothing person.  If you’re going to pursue this relationship, which I suggest you do, then you should put your heart and soul in without thinking about walking until you know you’ve given everything you can.  Dating is tough these times and finding a great guy in this day and age, is tough.  Not impossible, but our society has produced many males who are not prepared for marriage nor fatherhood.  And finally, take it day by day, you don’t know what the future holds.  Try not to get so caught up in the future and life as a military family.  Enjoy your time now as you have been, the moment is now.  You don’t get it back.  And if you’re feeling love so soon after meeting, then I know that moment is probably richer than any you’ve experienced.  Live in the now, take some chances, and you never know where life will take you.  And in the end, you part paths, at least you can have the great memories of a love few will ever have.  Don’t give up on love.  If it’s the real, lasting kind, it won’t give up on you.

Random Q & A (Part II)

Q: I met a wonderful guy, but he doesn’t want to be officially boyfriend and girlfriend. But we talk and text all day every day and he even drove an hour to come see me and have dinner with me the other day. He said he’ll wait til marriage for having sex with me if that’s what I really wanted. But, he told me he would only want to be friends if I slept with other people. Should I keep this guy?

ARIANA:

Where in the world did you find this guy? I mean, really, he is willing to wait until you’re ready for sex. We’ve all heard and read about these guys, but they’re like mythical creatures! Few people, women included, in this day and age want to make that sacrifice. And, if that’s what you want, then why would you want another guy sexually. He may not give you a title but he’s giving you something more. He’s giving you respect and himself outside the bedroom. Forget what you’ve known and keep what you see in front of you. I’m sure the ride will be worth it.

Q: I met a guy and he promised he’ll never cheat, should I believe him?

ARIANA:

Yeah. I just take it day by day. No one, good person or not, can ever promise they won’t do something in the future like cheat. No one can ever guarantee they’ll even be the same person. So, you just gotta trust the right person, pay attention to your gut and live life. That’s all we can control is putting ourselves in the presence of the right places, situations and people, and then just live moment by moment.

Q: I’m a single girl in her 20’s and I’m just having fun dating. I sleep with different guys, but I’m a good person. I just like guys a lot! I don’t see what the problem is with that? But I just want to get a second opinion.

ARIANA:

Girl, you are a lot emotionally stronger than most women I know. What you are doing, most women couldn’t ever emotionally allow themselves to get there. You’re young and you’re having fun. But, there will come a time in your life when you meet someone amazing and you will wish there were none before who were part of your sexual memory. And that never had a piece of you that you can never get back. And that the man you love could have more first experiences with you that some other guy didn’t claim before. You just have to get a balance, girl, for what you want physically and what emotional/relationship goals you are going for to make sure you’re hitting that. Most likely, one day you’ll want kids and a husband. And you’ll wonder where all the years went to try to lead up to that if you’re not in a healthy marriage. Just don’t deny yourself of the love you deserve for too long. But make sure you’re a tough girl. Don’t put up with sh&t from guys and drop them in a heartbeat if they disrespect you. Just keep your end goal in mind with guys and work with that. It’s okay to go sample all the flavors of the world. But just keep being safe.

QUESTION:

I’m a photographer and just starting out my business. I’ve had a lot of beautiful girls ask me to do their portrait shots and photo sessions. Some people think I’m doing it just to get the girls, but I honestly love photography. And I am trying to build my business. How should I handle my relations with girls in this situation?

ARIANA:

Alas, one of those lucky guys surrounded by beautiful women. That’s a great place for someone such as yourself to be surrounded by beauty while you are doing your passion. First off, you should make you are professional during the photo shoot. Nothing will send the ladies running faster than knowing there’s a creepy guy waiting to take pictures of them just so you can pick up on them. That’s definitely not going to help build your business. Also, is there is an interest, wait til the business and photo shoot is over before you pursue anything. But I wouldn’t make it a habit of this, you don’t want that reputation. And don’t listen to other people, people will always have negative things to say and try to make it seem that you have ulterior motives. If you don’t, then just forget them and do your thing! Snap away!

Alcohol Engagement

Q: My girlfriend and I recently got engaged a month ago. We were having bad fights before we got engaged, but I still decided to propose. Both of our families were telling us not to do it. We had a tendency to ruin every party and occasion by having a yelling match, she would run off crying, and I would pound my fists into the ground, cement, brick walls. It really feels like she’s my soulmate, I just love everything about her. Even though she gets angry all the time, I still love her even then, it makes me see her as a strong, independent woman. The worst thing is that whenever we both drink, it gets ten times worse. We push each other, scream, and slam doors, even when other people are around. But, then when we go home at night, we don’t even make up, but we have so much passion in the bedroom at the end of the night. She brings me to the brink of so much passion, more than any other woman before me. But, it seems like since we got engaged, we fight even more (I know it doesn’t sound possible for it to get worse, but it does), and I’m started to think she has a drinking problem. She is like night and day when she drinks, and she doesn’t even remember the crazy things she does. Last week, we had to bring her to ER because she fell down the stairs and broke her ankle. The next morning, she didn’t even remember what had happened. And a few days ago, I had to carry her out of a bar when she started a fight with a girl in the club. Once again, she didn’t remember any of it. And the worst one was when she punched her hand through our friend’s glass French door. I have no idea why. I don’t know if I can marry her if this is what forever is looking like. The engagement is already draining me and it’s only been a month.

A: Wow, is your fiance in fight club? You had to CARRY her out of the club. So I’m assuming since you had to carry her out, she was being unreasonable even listening to you and was possibly irrational. The worst part of that is she doesn’t remember ANY of it. I mean, I could understand if she remembered bits and pieces, but the whole thing. On top of that, she punches the glass door? Does she really have that much anger she needs to take it out on the glass door? Something is going on with her and you need to guide her quickly to find a way to deal with whatever anger, past issues, or addiction she is dealing with. Some people think it’s as simple as taking the bottle away, but people who have addictive personalities, will replace the bottle with something else and on and on. There’s something deeper than just drinking too much and I encourage you to find out. I don’t know how well you know her, but there may be issues from childhood, sexual abuse, neglect, just to name a few. This is deeper than you to fix and I encourag eyou not to take it on, thinking that you can fix your girl. She needs help and she needs to decide to get it for herself. A few places to start are Alcoholics Anonymous, therapy, and possibly a alcohol treatment center depending on the severity. And as far as passion goes, you’re treading a thin line, there is a thin line between love and hate. Meaning if you’re on one side, crossing that line is easy and back and forth and back and forth, you get the picture. But for now, until you guys can decide the best course of action, at least keep her out of the places where alcohol is prevalent and set an example. You don’t have to stop drinking forever, but at least, let her know that you support her in getting her back to well and healthy. And next time you bring your girl out where you’re gonna drink, you might want to wrap her hands up, who knows what violent situation you may find her in! You’ve got a long road ahead of you to prepare for your marriage if this is where you’re starting off at, but this is a true test of your love to see if you can overcome it! Punch on through!!!

Breadeater

Q: I’ve been dating a beautiful, sexy, fun loving, sweet, charming, smart young lady for about 6 months now. She’s a college grad and has a 6 figure job as a sales manager in the area. She’s one of the most exciting women I have met, especially compared to all the women I’ve met here in my hometown Seattle. She’s a small town girl but open minded like a big city girl. I, on the other hand, have only a high school degree and work a minimum wage job. She never brings up the money issue and we always go to really nice restaurants and we go dutch. I can’t even afford to treat her. She could have any other guy, but she’s chosen to stay with me, for now anyways. I’d love to marry her one day, but I don’t have much to offer her. She tells me she loves the carefree, relaxed, sweet, fun, and charming person I am, but to me, that means nothing without a college degree. And, she’s told me that in the physical department, she’s completely satisfied and she beams when she says it. Should I continue dating her? How do I keep her?

A: Ooh la la. Sounds like quite the charming relationship. And on top of that, I don’t hear that you’re having relationship problems, which is always a plus. It sounds more as if you’re the one being insecure and unsure of yourself. You have ‘nothing to offer her’. Nothing? Really? That’s a bit of an exaggeration, you’d have to be a pretty big jerk to be capable of that. You may not have money to offer her, but she’s made it clear that what you bring to the table (carefree, relax, sweet, charming, etc) is what she wants. Does she ask you and complain about this issue? If she does, then that’s a red zone. But if she’s not, no need to try to fix what’s not broken. And a little reading for you, would be to read ‘Five Love Languages’ by Gary Chapman and understand that people have different giving and receiving languages. And maybe your giving language is to want to give her gifts, but what she really wants to receive is physical acts. And if you’re handling business there, that’s all some women need. But, you can do other things to make sure you keep your woman wowed! Do the small things, women love that; make her a paper flower, draw her one, write a love letter, surprise her and take her to a picnic. Shoot, grab some flowers from someone’s yard and hand those big boys over to her. I guarantee she’ll love it, ’cause it’s the thought that counts. You’ve got a smart woman on your hands, and if that’s what you want, then you need to suck up that ego and accept she’ll be the breadwinner. And if you’re feeling that insecure, then take a chance and go back to school and get a degree if that’s a dream of yours. Otherwise, just continue being you and doing the small things. Don’t let the fact that she is accomplished and driven interfere with your self-worth. Everybody has something to offer someone else, it’s just a matter of finding the right person to give your gift to. And if she’s happy in the bedroom, keep doing what you’re doing bad boy, most women would kill to have that! Peace, paper flowers, and love letters!

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