Money Issues in Dating

QUESTION:
So I have been dating this guy for a few weeks now and was wondering when we should start sharing in our entertainment expenses? He always wants to go out and do things but unfortunately I am not as financially stable as he is. I feel bad when he is always paying for everything but I really am not in a position to waste money on things that are not important like going to the movies and out to eat. How do I let him know this in a tactful way?

(Rea, Seattle, WA)

AUBREY:

Good question Rea, it sounds like the guy you have been seeing is financially stable and enjoys taking you out. If he did not have the money, then I’m sure he would suggest that you both eat at home or rent a movie instead. The best way to approach him about this, is to be completely honest with him. Yes, it may be a little embarrassing to go into details about your finances with him. But in the long run, he will appreciate that you are being honest. If you have not yet offered to pay, he could possibly feel used and that is no way to begin a relationship.

Let him know first off about your feelings for him, then let him know you appreciate that he always takes you out. I would tell him that you love spending time together no matter what you do. And let him know, he doesn’t always have to spend money taking you out. Let him know that you do feel guilty that you can’t take him out because of your financial situation. It may be good to drop some figures like your salary or that $5000 school loan.

Let him know your long-term goals, so that he knows why you can’t spend on unnecessary things. For example you could say, “I would like to have $2000 saved by the end of the year, so that I can go back to school. That’s why I can’t spend $50 on a concert ticket.” It would be a good idea to do inexpensive things for him to show you care. You could bake him his favorite cookie, set up a room with candles, soft music, give him a massage, or cook him dinner. The most important thing is to let him know that regardless of what you do, you love to be with him and that you care about him.

Every relationship is different. Some men would never let a woman pay, while other men have a more modern view. Always be honest with your significant other about important issues such as finances, especially if you are unable to contribute much financially to a relationship.

Men in Relationships: Points to Consider

Women, more time than not, want a real relationship, which takes a real man. But how do you find that guy? Read on as Aubrey gives us tips.

What to Consider in Men and Relationships:

Over the past 5 years, I have been on numerous dates, had several boyfriends, and have even been in a serious long term relationship. In all my experiences, I have never met a man whose personality, values, and beliefs make me want to start or even stay in a relationship with him. Since I am a very analytical person, I tend to analyze everything, including men. I wonder, at times, if I am being too harsh or just need to give the guy a chance. However, I have been burned too many times to just settle for anything less than I deserve. I believe any woman, including myself, deserves a man that they can love for who he is and what he stands for.

How do you get what you want in a relationship?

1. Non-Negotiables. Figure out what you want from that perfect man and relationship, then make a list of non-negotiable qualities. When you have a list, it will be easier to stick too. It’s especially important especially when you are blinded by love and lust. It’s not wise to begin a relationship if you don’t know what you want, which is why this is a very important step. And don’t let love blind you. If there is a non-negotiable that he does not meet, it is wise to end the relationship.

2. Warning Signs. Warning signs could possibly be a sign of what’s to come if you do not take them seriously. Look for warning signs from the beginning. Examples of some warning signs could be: he has a controlling attitude, has anger issues (i.e. fights at bars or has been in jail for this type of behavior), is disrespectful to you or women in general, or no compassion or empathy toward others.

3. Important Cons. Determine what a true con is before you start dating. A con could be that he is a messy person, but not that he wears glasses. Always remember when deciding cons, that no one is perfect. It’s also important to remember there are more important than physical attributes. Physical attributes are important but if there no attraction, physical attributes should not be what makes or breaks a relationship.

4. Love and Attraction. A guy may meet all your non-negotiables. But they still may not be the person for you, attraction and love still have to be there. You could find a person who has what you want, but without attraction, the relationship will not work.

5. Falling in love. Don’t be afraid of falling in love. The only way of truly knowing someone is to completely commit to getting to know them. Having fear of falling in love in a relationship can keep you from really finding that perfect one for you. When you let go, and the guy does likewise, great things can happen.

Before getting into a relationship, you need to be prepared in a few ways. You need to know what you’re looking for and what you won’t stand for. Ranking your cons can help you realize which negatives you can live with. These lists are helpful. But it’s always important to consider love and attraction. These are very important sparks to be there for anything to begin or continue. Lastly, don’t be afraid to fall, when you let yourself go, you can open yourself up to the possibility of that perfect man and relationship.

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