Lightning Fast

QUESTION:

I’ve been talking to this great guy for the last few months. The other day we got into a disagreement and being the persistence person I am, I kept probing him as to what he was thinking. Some other things were said and he told me he couldn’t provide the life I deserved in the future. I was crushed and I couldn’t let it go. I freaked out because he was so amazing. We had a really strong bond and I felt blindsided with how he was cutting things off. I know we had rushed into things, we had already talked about having babies and life would be like when we’re married. I tell him everything. And embarrassingly, I cried after the 3rd day of talking some terrible things that happened in my past. Surprisingly he stayed up until 5am that night talking to me and we continued to talk after that. The next 5 days we went over and over discussing our situation. We eventually got worn out. And now we’re talking again as frequently as we did before every morning, all throughout the day, and at night. This has been going on for a few weeks since that initial talk of cutting things off. The only thing that’s different is that we don’t talk about babies and marriage anymore. He says we’re just getting to know each other instead of talking. Should I let him go? What does he mean by ‘just getting to know each other’? What kind of title is that?

ELLE:

Wow, third day and crying? It’s a miracle you didn’t scare the guy off those first few days. He must REALLY like you to stick around. But it sounds like he’s getting worn down at the lightning speed you two have been traveling. It honestly sounds like you’re both at fault here. You guys let yourselves get carried away in the ooey gooey and mushy things. This isn’t high school anymore. This is the real world where you have to take into account factors like trust, taking care of each other, the future, and eventually finances. All of those take time to get to and there really is no reason to rush. You cannot rush getting to know someone. Although you guys may have felt close, there’s only so much you can already be close about. It really takes time to see how a person really is. You can’t rush the good things in life. But, yes, you should be choosy about what you say to him. He’s not one of your girlfriends and shouldn’t be told every detail of your past, or every thought, or about all your girlfriends’ romantic lives. And honey, if you guys are still acting the same as you were before, then titles aren’t really a big thing. As long as he’s consistent and is devoted to you, in due time, I’m sure the title will come. Just enjoy your time together and each moment, worrying about the future or things to come is a useless place to put your energy. And good call on not talking about babies and marriage anymore. Trust me, there’s plenty of time to do that, you don’t want to be worrying about the future now. What you have is today, so make the most of it!

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My Boo is Not You

QUESTION:

I’m a single mom and I’ve been dating this Marine for a year. I adore the guy and would do anything for him. I would support him through deployments, take care of him and believe and respect him. We talk about getting married soon before he gets deployed to his next duty station. My son loves him and this guy plays the fatherly role to him well. He genuinely cares for my son. He also takes care of me like a princess and thinks the world of me. He loves me for who I am and my caring nature and big heart. But now I’ve been thinking about my ex-boyfriend, my son’s dad and what will happen with him now. He hasn’t been involved in my or my son’s life for the last year. I was with him for almost 10 years and our son is 4. I’m scared this new Marine will never love my son like his dad does. Part of me feels an obligation to be with his dad but I know I would never be happy with him. My boyfriend cares for me and respects me, he always tells me how beautiful I am, he treats me like a lady and knows how much I am worth inside. My ex-boyfriend only cared about looks and never took care of me. I was with my ex for 10 years so I knew him well, I’ve only known this guy for a year. Christmas is coming up and I know my boyfriend’s probably going to propose. Is it okay to move on? Am I being fair to my son? Am I doing the right thing planning to get engaged?

ANSWER:

Baby girl, it’s time to close that door with your ex-boyfriend and not look back. You have a man who loves you and thinks the world of you. He’s there for your son and has a relationship with him. He most likely will not ever love your son in the way his father would, but he will love him differently. And even bigger, he will love you in a way that is healthy for your son to see and grow up around. Everyone deserves to be happy and to have respect, caring, and someone there for them. You gave this new guy a chance, he’s proven himself this far and you have obviously left your ex for a reason. You and your son do deserve to have an even bigger family than just you two, your son’s father had his chance to be that for you two. He obviously can’t handle the responsibility! A year is a long time to not have anything to do with your son. And honey, history and length of time don’t trump true love, respect, and admiration. This new guy obviously doesn’t want to leave your city without you and your son. If you truly love him like you say you do, believe in the love you have and trust in the guy who is right in front of you. The guy (and this goes for girls too) of the past didn’t prove himself and most likely never will. You will have a new life with this guy, nothing like a 10 yr relationship (and c’mon, you had a kid with the guy and you were together that long, he should’ve married you at some point), but probably something better. You deserve better and a fruitful love. Don’t look back girlfriend, it sounds like you have a man who will take care of y’all. As a man, that’s what he should be for you and you deserve it. It’s time for something new and the next chapter, heck the next volume in your life. There is a reason people are in our past. Merry Christmas and prepare to have the family you wanted, it’s real and it’s time has come!

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