Money Issues in Dating

QUESTION:
So I have been dating this guy for a few weeks now and was wondering when we should start sharing in our entertainment expenses? He always wants to go out and do things but unfortunately I am not as financially stable as he is. I feel bad when he is always paying for everything but I really am not in a position to waste money on things that are not important like going to the movies and out to eat. How do I let him know this in a tactful way?

(Rea, Seattle, WA)

AUBREY:

Good question Rea, it sounds like the guy you have been seeing is financially stable and enjoys taking you out. If he did not have the money, then I’m sure he would suggest that you both eat at home or rent a movie instead. The best way to approach him about this, is to be completely honest with him. Yes, it may be a little embarrassing to go into details about your finances with him. But in the long run, he will appreciate that you are being honest. If you have not yet offered to pay, he could possibly feel used and that is no way to begin a relationship.

Let him know first off about your feelings for him, then let him know you appreciate that he always takes you out. I would tell him that you love spending time together no matter what you do. And let him know, he doesn’t always have to spend money taking you out. Let him know that you do feel guilty that you can’t take him out because of your financial situation. It may be good to drop some figures like your salary or that $5000 school loan.

Let him know your long-term goals, so that he knows why you can’t spend on unnecessary things. For example you could say, “I would like to have $2000 saved by the end of the year, so that I can go back to school. That’s why I can’t spend $50 on a concert ticket.” It would be a good idea to do inexpensive things for him to show you care. You could bake him his favorite cookie, set up a room with candles, soft music, give him a massage, or cook him dinner. The most important thing is to let him know that regardless of what you do, you love to be with him and that you care about him.

Every relationship is different. Some men would never let a woman pay, while other men have a more modern view. Always be honest with your significant other about important issues such as finances, especially if you are unable to contribute much financially to a relationship.

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Random Q & A (Part XI)

QUESTION:  I’m in love with a stripper!  Help!  What should I do?

SLICK RICK:

Ok, usually I try my best to give long, drawn-out answers to everyone’s issues in order to help those individuals with problematic situations get a good understanding about their options.  With this, I found myself just shaking my head and wondering if this is a real question or if you are yanking my chain.  I’m honestly hoping that this is your first time or two going to a strip club and that this is the first time you have seen a naked woman up close.  For your sake, I am going to entertain the idea that you met her before knowing her job and that you are actually having a REAL relationship with her; not just the kind that involves her G-string and your dollar bills.

If she was a stripper before you met her and continues to do this as her job, that is something you have whether you can deal with it.  Yeah, she may get on stage and ‘shake it’ for her income, but at the same time, you gotta what you gotta do to pay the bills as long as it’s not illegal.  If you are stuggling with this aspect of her job, explain your feelings to her to see if she entertains the idea of  looking into a different career.  If not, it’s probably not the best idea to continue pursuing the relationship.

**Honestly, I have no problem with strippers. They are doing what they have to do to earn a living. but saying, “I’m in love with a stripper! Help! What do I do?” makes me wonder if are you serious dude??  I am not trying to be rude or dismiss the idea of having a relationship with a stripper.  But this is something a 14-15 year old would say after looking at his first Playboy magazine.  If you are looking for a real relationship, then TRY pursuing something that you realistically have a chance of obtaining long-term!**

QUESTION:  I think I have a lot to offer a girl, but none of them seem attracted to me.  I’m a little overweight, 30 lbs to be exact.  But girls don’t even seem to give me the time of day.  How can I get a girl to talk to me and what else should I do?   

SLICK RICK:

There is a lot of things running through my mind with this post.  First,DO NOT get too discouraged or hard on yourself for women ‘not being attracted to you’.  I’m going to say this.  It doesn’t matter if you are single, in a relationship, married or divorced; as a man,you will never be able to tell what a woman is thinking with absolute certainty.  For me, it is difficult to tell you what you are doing wrong to not attract women or even have them give you the time of day.

I do have a few questions for you that you may want to consider.  First of all, what type of activities do you participate in?  What is your personality like?  It is good to stay within your comfort zone to a certain degree. What I mean is ithat f you are shy, it’s ok to be shy.  If you are outgoing, it’s ok to be outgoing.  If you are shy, it’s not a bad idea to try to be more outgoing.

I noticed you said you were about 30 lbs overweight.  Now I’m not one to say anything about a person’s physique, but most people have more confidence when they are doing healthier activities such as sports or going to the gym.  When I say going to the gym, I’m not talking about the  juiceheads that pump steroids and do that nonsense.  For me, I am a bit on the smaller side as far as  physique, but it doesn’t stop me from running and lifting weights.  I do it to stay healthy and remain in decent shape.  For guys, it is a little easier for us to approach women if we have confidence about how we look.  Women also respond better when a man is confident.  If we go in front of girls and spend most of the time being scared or uncertain about ourselves, it turns them off (that much I do know).

The next question I have is, what is your approach to a woman?  Do you go up to them or wait for them to approach you?  I know all women are different in this aspect.  Some like being approached with conversation and others will come to you talking your ears off until you honestly can’t listen any longer.  I asked this because when looking to engage in conversations with women, it is best to do a little scouting report on your lady of choice.  If she is with a large group friends, you should wait a few minutes to catch her with just one or two before approaching. 

You should be prepared for your first encounter by having questions and things to talk about. When you meet a person for the first time, the first five minutes tell the woman all she needs to know about you.  It lets her know whether or not, there will be a second encounter and conversation.  If the converstation dies quickly or not many similarities between the two of you, chances for a second encounter will be nonexistent.  If you ask her enough questions with ample time fo her to talk, it gives you a better opportunity to see things she does.  It also helps you to see if you have similarities.  Ultimately, she shows her hand before you do which gives you the upper hand (any ladies reading this don’t take offense, but we need any advantage we can get 🙂 ). 

Another method that helps break the ice is being funny.  I’m not talking about using cheesy, corny lines either.  I have only heard of these working out a few times, so I’m not going to give it too high of a recommendation.  What I mean is that it’s okay to make jokes about yourself  tp break the ice.  Don’t rag yourself too bad.  But if you can laugh at yourself, as well as make her laugh, chances are, she will see a different side of you and continue the conversation.  If she chimes picking on you, take a few shots at her (in a joking manner of course).  This shows her everyone has their faults.  But if you can laugh at yourself, then it will possibly help be more open about her misfortunate situations and laugh at herself as well.

Lastly, no matter what, DON’T GIVE UP!!!  Most guys won’t tell you about the times they approach a woman and get blown off.  Trust me, it happens every single day!  The worst thing to do is take offense and get down on yourself.  Sometimes, things don’t work out for a reason.  You have to accept rejection and learn from these encounters.  Every one of these is an opportunity to learn how to do it differently.  Just remember that when you approach your next lady, be confident in yourself, your approach, and make that girl laugh!!  NOW GET OUT THERE AND MAKE SLICK RICK PROUD, YA HEAR!?!

QUESTION:  My guy best friend from high school and I just recently started dating.  The problem is that we’re 1500 miles apart.  How can we make this work?  Can this even work? 

SLICK RICK:

Interesting, very interesting.  I  never started off a relationship being 1500 miles apart, so I’m not going to pretend to know how this is.   Starting off like this is difficult to analyze ,because I don’t know the full extent of your ‘best friend’ history.  Did you two ever have more than ‘best friend’ feelings in high school?  Typically with this situation, (at one time or another in high school), one or both of you had possibly thought about the other in more than a friends kind of way.  Either way whether you had this happen or not, it’s totally okay.

I’m not saying it can’t work, but it is pretty difficult.  To make it work, you would have to ultimately TRUST each other 100% to be committed and faithful.  You would also have to figure out each other’s schedules and plan accordingly for time to talk on the phone or via skype.  The more face time you have, the better.  I’m going to be straight up with you though.  I would talk with your new man about it all to decide if you could actually deal with this.  If you were like 200-300 miles away, it would be managable.  But 1500 miles is like from Florida to Texas. 

If  really are good friends, it would be worth waiting until the two of you were closer together to try dating.  I just think if you try it now, it’s not going to work.  Then you would ultimately end up losing a boyfriend, as well as one of your best friends.

Random Q & A (Part VI)

Q: She sent me a text saying “I feel like we’ve been together a long time. Well I guess we have. 6 months in total.” what does this mean?

A: It means she trusts u to be herself. That she can be herself around you. That you guys are just walls down and not playing games. It’s a good thing. She feels at home with you.

Q: Just wondering how it affects things if a girl talks dirty with a guy but don’t use ‘make love’. Does that degrade the girl if she talks dirty and drops f bombs instead of saying ‘sex’?

A: It just depends on the guy and the relationship you have. Everyone is different, but you should be aware enough to see what the respect level is. The more respect he has for you, the less he will look down on you. Guys of high caliber can separate sex talk from the rest of the relationship. Both parties should know how to isolate sex and sex talk from the rest of the relationship.

Q: I started dating this new guy and I’m feeling a little insecure. He always acts like a gentleman doing old fashioned things like pulling my chair out for me, opening doors for me, picking me up for dates, and even meeting me at the door when he picks me up for dates He listens to everything I say and always makes time for me. How do I know if he’s the real deal?

A: Sounds like a sweet deal. He is doing and saying all the right things, but only time will tell if he is the real deal. You just have to be patient to figure that out. You don’t want to cut out too early if he’s the real thing but don’t want to stay too long if he isn’t. A few things to look out for is that he’s consistent in what he say and does, also be sure to see if you’re progressing in more than just the physical realm, and a deeper connection as time passes. Pay attention to what he does and if it backs up what he says. Keep your eyes open and really evaluate whether he’s doing what he says he’s about.

Bipolar Love

QUESTION:

First off, I am an individual who has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I was misdiagnosed for a long time and had a toxic relationship I was part of the entire time until I got diagnosed correctly. Then I was able to get on the right meds and I was then well enough to see what a terrible person he was to be in a relationship with. And he was an even worse choice for someone like me with bipolar disorder to be with. So, I have stayed out of relationships for a while. But I finally met a wonderful guy at church. He had just moved here from Chicago and was new at our church. We hit off and got very close quickly. My friends said we seemed as if we had been together for years, but we had only been together for a couple months. We had a lot of the same values, were both very much family people, had great conversations and also had a very strong physical attraction. One night, we had a disagreement about where our relationship was headed. I wanted to be more than just ‘talking’ but he wanted to take things slow. And then 2 weeks later after things were good for a while, he abruptly broke things off. We went back and forth for a week. Then one day I just snapped and had an episode. I said some of the deepest thoughts I had never ever revealed to anyone about the deep pain I had. I am a very open person so for me to hold something that deep meant it was very significant. He was so afraid for me and upset that I could be so negative about myself. The next morning we were talking again and I revealed to him that I was bipolar. I explained the night before was just an episode that was triggered by lack of sleep and stress from work that was built up over the last 6 months. He’s not sure what to do and wants to be there. He just never wants to see me in so much pain because of anything related to him. How do I have a normal relationship? What can we do to make this better? Do we have hope?

ARIANA:

First of all, I know I’m no expert on the matter of mental illness. I, well as the rest of the STD team, are supporters in active education on and effective treatment of mental illness. Your local hospital should be able to direct you to a unit where you can get more help. That said, there are some things we do know and that is that people with mood disorders need love just as much as those without. It just takes more work on both parties to make a relationship work when one person suffers from a mood disorder. You did the right thing by letting the guy know. If you are thinking about and discussing with someone the possibility of a relationship, you should be up front to let him know what he is stepping into. Then he can decide for himself if it’s something he can handle. And I know it’s hard but you have to try and not take it offensively or personally. Most people are not equipped with the patience and understanding is required. That’s nobody’s fault, that’s just the way it is. With that said, there is hope. You may have found a man who will be patient and understanding, supporting you through this. He can only support, you will have to do the leg work. I truly believe in the power of love, so if it is truly meant to be you two can work through this. It will take a lot of work on both parties, but it will be worth it if your relationship is strong enough to overcome this. You have to be honest with him and yourself when your stressors are building up. If he truly cares for you then he no doubt doesn’t want to witness another episode. And at worse, watch you land yourself in the psych unit of the hospital. I have know people who have gone in several times into the psych unit and although the person may love you, it takes its toll. The only thing you can is take care of yourself in regard to nutrition, exercise, sleep, good coping skills, being on the right meds and working with your therapist. I sincerely wish you the best, you are not in an easy task and have a difficult road. But, in this world, there are people strong enough to fight against opposing forces. And if you’re blessed, which time will only tell, you will have a man who can support you fight the fight. Don’t be mistaken or misguided that he’ll fight it for you, all the hard work lies in your hands. Own your life, it will help you reap the fruit of an excellent life full of love, happiness, and joy.

Random Q & A (Part V)

QUESTION:

Do you believe it’s possible for people can fall in love within the first few weeks?

ARIANA:

Yes, I mean anything is possible. Do I think that’s a sufficient amount of time to build a lasting meaningful relationship? No. Often the quickly ignited fiery relationships, passionate, etc…the flames die out just as quickly as they were ignited. So there’s a lot of variables. Are they two individuals fully established? Have they figured out who they are as a person? Have they figured out what they need? What they want? The difference? What’s their idea of love? I mean there’s a lot that goes into a relationship. So to think you fully know someone after a few weeks is not feasible and how can you honestly be in love with that person if you don’t really know them? So people often mistake lust, sexual attraction, their idea of what they want for love but often it’s far from the truth. So 9 times out of 10, I believe people aren’t being honest with themselves. But when that one couple who were absolutely destined to be together and perfectly compatible meet each other, that is when I would say yes you can fall in love after a couple of weeks.

QUESTION:

I started dating a girl of a different ethnicity and I’ve been hearing so many negative things about her ethnicity. How much should I take these into account?

ARIANA:

Lol let me not fill your head up with bad thoughts just judge everyone by their unique personal qualities and not their ethnic stereotypes.

QUESTION:

When do you think is a good time to introduce the kids and the significant other? Certain timeframe? When you’re discussing marriage?

ARIANA:

I personally think a good time is when you know that the person is going to be a significant person in your life. It doesn’t necessarily have to be when you’re discussing marriage. When you feel that person is privy to that aspect of your life. My son has literally only met 3 guys that I’ve been in relationships with. So for me, my son is an important aspect in my life so the female has to really stand out, and it has to be a serious relationship for them to be welcomed into that part of my world.

Exclusive

QUESTION:

I recently started talking to this awesome guy. He’s a strong, confident, giving man. He always makes me a priority and always gets back to me whenever I text or call. Recently, we had a discussion about talking to other people and he told me to go ahead flirting with other guys. He told me to have fun. When I asked him why he wanted me to sleep with other guys, he stopped me and said that was not at all what he intended. So, he asked the question if we were going to be exclusive. I told him I didn’t want to be with anyone else and he said the same. Then a week later, he says we’re only talking and working on a friendship. I am so confused. Do I stay with this guy? What is going on? Is it worth it to be with him? I feel more secure with him than any other guy before him.

ARIANA:

Life can get complicated when people start throwing around terms or simply judging what’s going on by the ‘title’. I’m a firm believer that titles don’t mean everything. With that said, someone whose actions don’t reflect the status of your relationship is saying a lot about the fact that titles really don’t matter. I judge my relationships by how he treats me, not a label. If he makes you feel like a million bucks and he’s exclusive with you, what more do you need? People rush to get the label but don’t push hard enough for the relationship to grow. In time, the relationship will grow. If you can’t wait, then yes, you should walk away. But what do you need right now that he’s not giving you besides the ‘girlfriend’ title? Enjoy what you have, take it day by day, and go with the flow. In time, the title will come later and if not, that’s when you evaluate whether you should go. But that’s later, enjoy the now!

Friends with Benefits Relationship

 

QUESTION:

I have a friend who has a guy friend who she has been hanging out with for over a month.  She is interested in having something more with this guy.  But, unfortunately, their relationship started out as a ‘friends with benefits’ hookup and is still that way now. They hang out for a few hours about once a week, maybe see a movie or have dinner.  But they most definitely have sex. They always have plenty of great sex. Did she ruin any chance at a real relationship since they have already hooked up and  established that they were friends with benefits from the beginning? How does she go about changing their relationship from just a hookup to something more?

AUBREY: 

Wow, she kind of screwed herself over here, because it sounds like she has an open relationship with him.  And most likely she is not his only hookup.  Right now, he most likely just thinks of her for sex…unfortunately. I would let her know that first she needs to stop making their relationship about sex.  She could maybe hold out a little on him. She can start doing small things for him that she would not normally do, like making him dinner instead of going out.  Or maybe complimenting him on traits other than his looks. Make an effort to go out more than just once a week too.  And drop subtle (and I do mean subtle) hints about how she does like him. However, she needs to be prepared, because he may not want the same thing as her and she may just scare him off.  This is a risk she will have to take if she wants more.

Replay

QUESTION: Last night at the club, I ran into the girl I had been talking to for a couple weeks. I had just stopped returning her texts a week before because I just didn’t want to get into a relationship like she wanted and rightly deserved. I met her in the club but she was one of the most loving, sincere, genuine and good hearted girls I have ever met. On top of that, she was beautiful. I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go any further. We hadn’t kissed or anything but I wanted to just stop before I hurt her. It wasn’t anything about her but I just ignored her, it was what I thought was the best thing to do to keep from hurting her. Well, I saw her initially and she just looked at me. I was surprised to see her for one, for two she looked hot and my attraction for her hadn’t faded, and for three I didn’t know what to say. She ran into me a second time and she just confronted me. I finally admitted everything and why I did what I did. I wasn’t a jerk and I wasn’t going to use her for sex, she didn’t deserve to be treated like that. I just don’t make a good boyfriend. Then she asked if we could have sex. I was shocked she would ask when I knew she was the kind of girl you keep and get in a relationship with. We walked out together when the club closed and I stood around while a few guys came up to her hugging on her, getting her number and kissing her on the lips. After the guys were gone she walked up to me, I don’t think she realized I saw it all. I offered to take her and her sister to their car. When I dropped her off, I just started singing this R & B song to her, pulling my cheek next to her, bringing my lips close to her, biting her ear. Yeah, I teased her. And then she looked at me waiting for me to ask her to come over to my place. I couldn’t do it and I didn’t say anything. Then she turned and got out of the car. I met up with my friends and couldn’t stop thinking about her. So I messaged her while my boys and I were eating and asked if she got home okay. Then I told her I wished she was with me. She didn’t believe me like she used to and then she asked why. I told her it was a secret. I couldn’t tell her that I wanted her too. I hadn’t felt such an attraction to a girl since my ex 4 years ago but I know I can’t deliver. But she’s been on my mind all day today. I’m not sure what to do. What should I do? Should I take her up on her offer to be friends with benefits?

ANSWER: Funny how our bodies don’t often listen to where our hearts are. You didn’t exactly say why you’d be a good boyfriend? I mean, it has been 4 years since your last relationship so you obviously haven’t been able to get into a relationship, but she’s also the first one in 4 years that you’ve been so strongly attracted to. That’s pretty powerful stuff. And I don’t see why you can care about her enough to not sleep with her last night but can’t give her more. I’m not sure I follow. You’re treating her with respect which is like a boyfriend, you’re strongly attracted to her and that’s like a boyfriend, and you seem to like everything about her (that was a long list there). I could understand your fear and that’s fine. But fear does get the best out of us. Why does it have to be all or nothing? How do you exactly know she wants a relationship after only talking to her for a few weeks? I don’t see why you don’t take a chance and see where it goes? You might be in for a surprise that you may care enough about the girl to consider her feelings on a daily basis as intense as you did when you cut things off. Honestly, I think it’s more of your fear to fall for her than it is to protect her. She proposed friends with benefits and you said no? You said no to her last night even though you’re attracted to her? What guy does that? Most guys I know are like that when they’re not interested or just want to be friends. You can run from your feelings, but know that you’re running from a good girl you obviously care about. What’s wrong with just spending time together and taking it day by day? Did you even ask her if she wants to get into a relationship? Just because someone is the kind of person you should be in a relationship with, doesn’t necessarily mean they want to be in a relationship at that time! You never know til you ask or try. Or you just walk away and lose a good girl. It’s your choice. She’s on your mind for a reason and it’s obviously not sex! Sometimes you gotta take a chance and go with that feeling you’ve never had in 4 years. Life doesn’t wait for us, when you have something good, sometimes you have to go for it and think about how it’ll work later. She’s obviously willing to compromise a relationship need if she’s asking for friends with benefits. But it sounds this time like it’s role reversal. You don’t want more and she’ll settle for sex. Most guys would jump on the fwb option. Don’t know what else to tell you except that she’ll be gone and gone soon if you just let it go or wait too long. A girl that can pull a few guys in one night has a pretty good bargaining position. Jump on it or say bye bye. I doubt she’ll let you come back again once this opportunity is gone or she might even be in a serious relationship or married by then. Good girls like that don’t last long being single. And you sir may be single the rest of your life if your fear keeps you on the sidelines! That’s what’s up!

Give a Little and Fear a Little Less

Q: I’ve dated 20 guys in the last year since I’ve broken it off with my ex of 4 years. Before that I was in 2 other relationships for a few years. I used to always thinking I was a relationship kind of girl. But now that I’m trying to settle down with #20, I’m beginning to realize that I was only a relationship girl because of the companionship. Now that I’m with #20, I see how terrible my relationship skills are. I’ve been dating #20 for 6 months now and I’ve already tried to call it off twice but we ended up getting together again. When we have disagreements or something bothers me, I have a hard time letting it go and just get scared of getting hurt. The other day he mentioned that my best friend was cute and I just shut down. I told him the next day I didn’t want to continue talking anymore. A few weeks after that, I contacted him and we started talking again. We just picked up where we left off. And now we’re past the million cutoffs stage of the relationship. And today he commented on how he’d like to see me dress up more. I felt rejected again and now here I am. I mean, if he really wanted me, then he’d take me as I am, right? And the other day he told me I’m stubborn and don’t listen. Again, my feelings were hurt. I mean, I’m a very independent girl with a 6 figure salary and have learned to get what I want. I’m a fighter by nature. But, I don’t want to take his advice, why should I? How in the world am I supposed to sustain this relationship when I keep getting my feelings hurt?

A: Wow, 20, really? In one year? Are you speed dating or what? I would say that’s p-i-m-p not so much as it is dating. Hey, that’s a good thing. If you can pimp, rock on. Everybody may not admit it, but to some degree, everyone has an admiration, almost envy of a pimp. I mean, from time to time, at some point in everybody’s life, getting the opposite sex’s attention is flattering. And being the pimp that you are, I’m sure you get that attention when you want from whoever you can. Enjoy it while it lasts, cause it will get old. And it sounds like it’s getting to that point for you. But although you may earned the crown for being pimp of speed dating, you need a whole other set of skills for where you’re trying to go. #20 has got you ringed in, but in order to stay there, you’re going to have to wise up and tighten ship on those relationship skills. And you need do it quickly, otherwise you’ll sink faster than the Titanic. You can’t speed off now, well, that is only if you want to lose your great catch. Here’s a few pointers.

1. Neither you nor he is perfect

That’s right, I said it. I’m not either, so don’t worry, nobody’s pointing fingers here. In fact, I’ll repeat it. Neither you nor he is perfect. You think you know, but you don’t really know. I say that because if you did know, you wouldn’t run like you do. Yeah, what you do isn’t cutting things off, it’s running away when the tough stuff comes. But, back to being perfect or not perfect, however you see it. He will hurt you. He will. It’s inevitable. Hurt, it’s there and will always be there. He’s human, superman is a fictious character. He doesn’t know everything about you and thereby he’s not always going to know what to say or what not to say to keep from hurting you. It will happen, you have to accept that reality. Otherwise, you’ll keep going through life as you have from relationship to relationship looking for something that doesn’t exist.

2. Guys are visual

Yes, indeed they are very different creatures than us women. Not bad, but different. It’s the way they’re built. They see something, they like it, and they get excited physically! Us ladies on the other hand, we see something, we like it, and then we wonder when we’re going to marry it. A little bit of an exaggeration, but my point is that they like to feast their eyes on beauty. That’s where there’s a term, ‘trophy wife’. Guys are competitive, it’s in their nature. If you’re their girl, they want to show you off (if they really like you) and say ‘look at my woman, isn’t she hot, but too bad fellas, she’s mine’. And then ‘you can’t have her’. He wants you to be the prettiest little you there is. I mean, if your man was looking a little fruffy, you’d want him to comb his hair or put on deodorant or iron his shirt. Whether you know it or not, you’re on show every time you step out with him. And you best believe if he’s looking suave, then his pretty little momma best look like a million bucks. If the guy didn’t like the way you look, he’d be gone. Period. But, he’s still there, especially after your ‘cutoffs’. In fact, he wouldn’t have ever talked to you in the first place. Be confident and secure in who you are. A little feedback never hurt anyone. And why not look your best? If you got it, flaunt it, accent it, and work it. We all could use improvements. Toughen up that skin girl.

3. Independent girls will stay independent if they don’t learn to be interdependent

Oh yeah, being independent is great to a degree. And if you’re too independent, you’ll find yourself single the rest of your life. Why? Because relationships aren’t about each person asserting their independence to be a ‘fighter’ to get what they want. You’re not in a boxing match woman, you’re in a relationship. A place where you’re supposed to learn to trust, feel secure, and build something together. You don’t have to lose your identity or become dependent on the guy. But you do have to learn to play nice, which means learning to listen. And by learning to listen I don’t mean using your ears. I mean using your heart to understand what he’s telling you about what matters to him and respecting what he has to say. You gotta hear the guy out. You’re with him cause he matters to you, so take it a step further and give him the respect to listen to his ideas, opinions, and concerns. If you listen closely, you may learn to hear that he’s most likely not saying he’s trying to hurt you. And, being stubborn, I mean, you’re stubborn enough to believe that you’re not stubborn. I mean, I’m taking him at face value, I don’t know what else is going on in the dynamic of you two. But if you are stubborn, well, you got to pick the pouty lip up and know that you’re not always going to be right. And it’s okay to compromise and let him have his way too.

In the boxing ring, your fighting spirit will give you a win after 12 rounds (maybe less if you’re a killah). But you’ll leave your opponent in the dust. Yeah, you win in the sport of boxing, but that won’t get you far in the game of love. Give a little, love a little, listen a little, be scared a little less, fight a little less, and maybe you’ll find the fountain of youth that so many others have found–the fountain of love. It’s not a bad place, but it’s hidden. It will take a lot of hard work to find, but when you find it, you’ll find a rich source to renew you day in and day out.

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