Random Q & A (Part XII)

QUESTION

friends with benefits, friendship, friendships, fwb, boundaries, respect, my boyMy girlfriend of 4 months feels like we are becoming best friends. She said she can act herself around me and talk to me about anything. What does this mean?

ARIANA:

STOP! Don’t be her girlfriend!  Girlfriends listen to everything they have to say, that’s not a boyfriend’s job. Either of 2 things will happen if you continue: 1) you will become friends or 2) she will become dependent on you listenening to her every problem and issues, whereas she should be able to handle issues on her own. She’ll get upset if you don’t listen to gossip about her friends, every work issue, etc.  Tell you her you support her and listen to her, but there’s some things that would be more helpful if she talks to a friend!

QUESTION:

What can a girl do to make sure her man feels secure? The guy I’m dating has said he doesn’t feel like I got his back (we had our friends have drama go down when we went out one night and he was trying to help resolve it). Then today he wanted to hear me reassure him that I’m only with him. What can I do so that he feels confident in how I feel?

ARIANA:

Just be you. You can try and reassure someone all day till your face is blue but it solely depends on that individual to realize your dedication, commitment, and loyalty to them. So as long as your actions mirror your words and in your heart you know your loyalty lies with him everything else should fall into place.

QUESTION:

My boy  is dating this girl he met.  Her cousin and I kinda hit it off, hooked up the first night.  We’ve been talking on and off for the last few months.  We do double dates every now and then.  But, we talked about it and she understands we’re just friends with benefits.  I like her company but neither of us are looking for more.   One night she invites me to go out, so we can hang wiwth her cousin and my boy.  I thought it was cool, but then when I got there she started flirting with every dude.  Yet when I started talking to girls, even a table full of girls, she got upset.  Then she told me we could still be friends with benefits at the end of the night.  There’s no way at the end of the night that I’m going to hit it if she’s been flirting with guys all night and been inconsiderate when she invited me out.  What’s her deal?   

ARIANA:

Sounds like you ‘friends’ need to have a discussion (if it’s not over already, seems to be a whole lot of drama for a fwb relationship) about each of your expectations out of this ‘friends with benefits’ relationships.  Misunderstands and drama happen when the boundaries aren’t defined.  Also, the key word here is ‘friends’, so that means you should be able to talk and respect each other. 

Yes, if she invited you to hang out, then she should be focused on you and not flirting with guys.  You’re not leftovers and shouldn’t be treated as such.  You shouldn’t allow yourself to be disrespected like that.  But by the same token, games don’t show respect either.  As hard and tempting as it may be, as soon as you saw her talk to a guy, it would’ve been best to pull her aside and clear the air. 

This is exactly why friends with benefits is tough to continue, because you have that element of friendship where it canboundaries, respect, drama, secure cause drama when boundaries start to blur.  Even if this one’s not wrecked, remember for next time that first and foremost, you should set the rules clearly and touch on as many points that need to be addressed.  And, a ‘safe word’ is always helpful in communication, in this case, it would be when someone is starting to develop more than fwb feelings.  Good luck.  That’s a whole lot of effort to get some, but what do I know, I haven’t had a man since the last election!

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Yelling and Yanking

QUESTION:

I broke up with my ex-boyfriend about 3 months ago because he just wasn’t treating me well.  He no longer complimented me, disrespected me all the time, and was always hiding his phone from me.  We had been dating for about 5 years.  The past couple weeks we’ve been hanging out again.  We were hanging out at his apartment last week when I got a phone call from my cousin.  I stepped out on the balcony to take the call.  My ex-boyfriend overheard me call him a jerk and he yanked me back into his apartment.  He started yelling at me telling that I was disrespecting me in his place and started calling me stupid.  I argued back with him and then he said, ‘You better stop before I choke you and slap you.’  I came to a dead stop and was scared.  I made some excuse and left after that.  He’s never been like that in the 5 years I was with him.  I don’t know what to do with him anymore.  Should I continue trying to get back together?  Some of my friends say I should leave him.  What should I do?

ARIANA:

Without a doubt, you should stop, turn around and walk away.  He threatened you and whether he meant it or not, you should be concerned.  A man that really loves you will not disrespect you by saying those things.  He was also yanking you into the apartment.  A person who cares about you won’t lay a hand on you, but will instead ask you politely to come in.  No one gets respect when they try to force someone.  And I take it from your talk about the yelling, that this may have been a common thing in your relationship.  That is not healthy at all.  Disagreements and being upset is common a relationship, yelling is not.  That is a very toxic point to be in a relationship when people are being disrespected and understanding is just a mere word.  You’re most likely not able to fix this relationship, but you should learn from this and know that fighting to where no one is listening will never lead to understanding.  Make sure the next person you’re with deeply cares for you, is at a healthy point in his life, and really listens to you.  No relationship will survive without it. 

Random Q & A (Part VI)

Q: She sent me a text saying “I feel like we’ve been together a long time. Well I guess we have. 6 months in total.” what does this mean?

A: It means she trusts u to be herself. That she can be herself around you. That you guys are just walls down and not playing games. It’s a good thing. She feels at home with you.

Q: Just wondering how it affects things if a girl talks dirty with a guy but don’t use ‘make love’. Does that degrade the girl if she talks dirty and drops f bombs instead of saying ‘sex’?

A: It just depends on the guy and the relationship you have. Everyone is different, but you should be aware enough to see what the respect level is. The more respect he has for you, the less he will look down on you. Guys of high caliber can separate sex talk from the rest of the relationship. Both parties should know how to isolate sex and sex talk from the rest of the relationship.

Q: I started dating this new guy and I’m feeling a little insecure. He always acts like a gentleman doing old fashioned things like pulling my chair out for me, opening doors for me, picking me up for dates, and even meeting me at the door when he picks me up for dates He listens to everything I say and always makes time for me. How do I know if he’s the real deal?

A: Sounds like a sweet deal. He is doing and saying all the right things, but only time will tell if he is the real deal. You just have to be patient to figure that out. You don’t want to cut out too early if he’s the real thing but don’t want to stay too long if he isn’t. A few things to look out for is that he’s consistent in what he say and does, also be sure to see if you’re progressing in more than just the physical realm, and a deeper connection as time passes. Pay attention to what he does and if it backs up what he says. Keep your eyes open and really evaluate whether he’s doing what he says he’s about.

My Boo is Not You

QUESTION:

I’m a single mom and I’ve been dating this Marine for a year. I adore the guy and would do anything for him. I would support him through deployments, take care of him and believe and respect him. We talk about getting married soon before he gets deployed to his next duty station. My son loves him and this guy plays the fatherly role to him well. He genuinely cares for my son. He also takes care of me like a princess and thinks the world of me. He loves me for who I am and my caring nature and big heart. But now I’ve been thinking about my ex-boyfriend, my son’s dad and what will happen with him now. He hasn’t been involved in my or my son’s life for the last year. I was with him for almost 10 years and our son is 4. I’m scared this new Marine will never love my son like his dad does. Part of me feels an obligation to be with his dad but I know I would never be happy with him. My boyfriend cares for me and respects me, he always tells me how beautiful I am, he treats me like a lady and knows how much I am worth inside. My ex-boyfriend only cared about looks and never took care of me. I was with my ex for 10 years so I knew him well, I’ve only known this guy for a year. Christmas is coming up and I know my boyfriend’s probably going to propose. Is it okay to move on? Am I being fair to my son? Am I doing the right thing planning to get engaged?

ANSWER:

Baby girl, it’s time to close that door with your ex-boyfriend and not look back. You have a man who loves you and thinks the world of you. He’s there for your son and has a relationship with him. He most likely will not ever love your son in the way his father would, but he will love him differently. And even bigger, he will love you in a way that is healthy for your son to see and grow up around. Everyone deserves to be happy and to have respect, caring, and someone there for them. You gave this new guy a chance, he’s proven himself this far and you have obviously left your ex for a reason. You and your son do deserve to have an even bigger family than just you two, your son’s father had his chance to be that for you two. He obviously can’t handle the responsibility! A year is a long time to not have anything to do with your son. And honey, history and length of time don’t trump true love, respect, and admiration. This new guy obviously doesn’t want to leave your city without you and your son. If you truly love him like you say you do, believe in the love you have and trust in the guy who is right in front of you. The guy (and this goes for girls too) of the past didn’t prove himself and most likely never will. You will have a new life with this guy, nothing like a 10 yr relationship (and c’mon, you had a kid with the guy and you were together that long, he should’ve married you at some point), but probably something better. You deserve better and a fruitful love. Don’t look back girlfriend, it sounds like you have a man who will take care of y’all. As a man, that’s what he should be for you and you deserve it. It’s time for something new and the next chapter, heck the next volume in your life. There is a reason people are in our past. Merry Christmas and prepare to have the family you wanted, it’s real and it’s time has come!

Lost Treasures

Q: With each passing day, I don’t know if I can do it anymore. I don’t know if I can live without my ex-girlfriend anymore. We’ve been together for the last six years, she’s stood by my side through everything, even when I was jobless and clueless on what to do with my life. I always told myself that I’d treat her better later. I would constantly tell her that if she changed different things (i.e., attitude, anger, sensitivity, the way she treats my family), then I would be a better boyfriend. She always changed whatever I asked, I knew she loved me and would do anything for me. But, I could never bring myself to change my ways, I was so used to doing things my way, that I didn’t want to change or felt the need to. I was selfish, I know that now, I really had nothing to give her. I don’t know why exactly, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I wanted her to change to make it worth it for me. Over the last couple months, she started getting more and more distant, she wouldn’t talk much and she barely ever tried to see me anymore. I didn’t think much of it, I figured she was just distracted with her family (her brother was really sick with lymphoma) or from work. My attention was elsewhere anyways. I know it sounds terrible, but I was messing around again with a girl who lived out of town this last year. That month, she happened to be in town, so I made it a point to see her when I could. I know I was wrong for that, but I was unhappy and well, the new girl made me feel great. She was a lot more chill and relaxed than my girlfriend, she wasn’t on my case about where I was going or what I was doing. Well, I came to find out later that she was distant that month because she had found out about the other girl. I just tried to defend myself, telling her that I was unhappy and that the other girl meant nothing. She wasn’t as great as my girlfriend, and I tried to tell her that. But, she was fed up and told me it was over. I knew she had put up with a lot from me. She would always complain that I never said please, thank you or sorry. And she was right, I never did. It’s been 3 months since she broke it off. I know she’s dating someone else, she has to be. With all the times we broke it off before, she always came back to me. It has to be because she has a man that she’s not coming back. Should I contact her and try to get her back or should I just move on?

A: Maybe she and maybe she isn’t dating anyone. Or maybe she got so fed up with not being treated well that she moved on. People will do that, you know, sooner or later, people will walk. That includes friends, sometimes family, sometimes if we’re treated bad enough, to keep our sanity, dignity, and self-respect, people leave. Nothing in this world is constant except change. Sooner or later, people’s lives will catch up to them. I’m sure you thought you were probably in the clear cheating on your girlfriend, but you got caught. You can’t undo the hurt you’ve caused, both because of the cheating and even before the cheating ever got revealed. If I were her, I’d go to the ‘Cheaters’ route and bust you hard core. I always liked watching that show. I’m sure you did too, it’s a guilty pleasure for a lot of people. What boggles my mind is why people why the ones they do to cheat with, you risked a girlfriend who loves you for a girl who isn’t as ‘great’ as her. And, the cheating was probably just the straw that broke the camel’s back. If she did find someone else, it probably wasn’t hard for her to find someone who treated her with more respect, care and concern that you did. I mean, I know 5 yr olds who know how to say please, thank you, and I’m sorry, repeatedly. Just because you’re not 5 anymore, doesn’t excuse you from saying it. The girl bent over backwards trying to do everything you asked of her and then you just stayed the same. Relationships aren’t about molding people into what we want, but instead of growing into something great with the both of who you are at the core. I would say you have a lost cause, I swear, I even heard the violins playing at the end of your story earlier. I’d say take it as a lesson in love and life. We all need to treasure the things and people that come into our lives, we never know when they’ll be gone. Respect and truth are at the very basics of every relationship (romantic or not). If those aren’t there, there’s nothing to build on. And just because we’re not ‘happy’ with one person doesn’t give us a free card to totally disregard them and cheat on them. Next time, just do the person a favor and can them if you feel the need to cheat and be unhappy. And a newsflash, there’ll be plenty of times of unhappiness in our lives, but it doesn’t mean we should hurt or stomp on those we love to undo that. Talking about it, compromising, and doing it together would’ve taken you a long way as opposed to the situation you’re in now. Good luck in your next relationship, and 3 last words for you–please, sorry, and thank you.

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