Safe Sex in Relationships



I’m a pretty safe person for the most part. I don’t drive in bad neighborhoods, I drive safely, I don’t swim too far out in the ocean, and I’m very safe when it comes to dating and sex. Eventually, we all meet someone though who we trust, and when we meet them we let our standards slip because we trust the person.

I just met this amazing person. I trust him, I definitely like him, and can see a future with him. However, we just recently began a physical relationship. We had not talked about birth control at all beforehand, so he had no clue if I was on anything. I don’t assume a guy is going to protect me from pregnancy and STD’s i know that I have to be the one looking out for myself. However, we all have those moments when we let our guard down and assume.

I assumed that he was going to be careful and use some form of birth control when we first hooked up and he did not. I could not tell until afterward and I was like “oh my god! I can’t believe you did that.” I made sure to take plan b to prevent pregnancy, but I’m still concerned about his actions. Should I be concerned?

I really like him, but if this is something that he obviously doesn’t care about does that mean he wants a child? Hopefully not, because it is way to early to even think about a child. Do you think that he just doesn’t care about me and was just doing what felt good to him? Or do you think that maybe he just assumed I was on something? When I confronted him his response was just that basically he was sorry but couldn’t control himself?!? Help!


Before I get too in depth about your dilemma, I want to correct you on something. Your standards don’t slip when you meet someone that you trust, you simply let your guard down. The difference between these two things is that when your ‘standards slip’ that means you lower your standards and make excuses to be with someone that doesn’t deserve your time and feelings. When you let your guard down and open up to someone, it means that they have already met some of your standards because you have began engaging in some sort of friendship/relationship.

Letting your guard down like this is perfectly acceptable. For the record, I knew what you meant though, but felt that I wanted to express that there is a huge difference between the two because trust is established before your guard is let down. When you lower your standards, you don’t even consider trust in the equation.

Anyhow, on to more important fish to fry. Being in a physical relationship is important for a ton of reasons. It means you have more of an attraction for your significant other and you have chosen to take it to the next level. While this may not be a big deal for some, it is huge for others and in your particular case. It sounds like you and your partner were both ready for this step. It is always a good idea to protect yourself because no matter how much you trust someone, you can’t always assume they have your best interests in mind.

When you are in the heat of the moment, I know it goes without being said that the best way to prevent pregnancy is to use condoms. No matter what, he should not assume that you are on something. This is something that is his responsibility to ask and your responsibility to tell before you ever engage in sex! I know that people often go without using condoms, which is totally your own choice, but it also comes with those risks of pregnancy and STD’s. For your case, the fact that he didn’t “prepare” for the ending result by getting his timing right is a little troublesome. It’s not rocket science to figure out when it is approaching and how to avoid that issue. However, in some cases, it totally catches you off guard and literally sneaks up on you. No way for me to tell which is the case here, but I’ll try to offer incite.

The fact that he said he couldn’t control himself sounds like he might be inexperienced with having sex without a condom. Unfortunately for some guys, the first few times without a rubber can be difficult to determine when you are getting close and when it’s too late. The best way to remedy this without it happening again is to either slow down and not be as physical in your relationship until you have established ground rules or just make him wear the rubber.

Either way, if you aren’t wishing to have a child at this point in your life, these are the two best options. There are still plenty of other ways to have intimacy without sex (I can’t believe I actually said this). I’m sure if you were to sit down with him and explain that you are concerned about getting pregnant from “accidents” that he will definitely either try harder to prevent it, or just be smart and rubber up. It is not wrong of you to be concerned because the results are literally life-altering; and if you aren’t ready for the consequences then it makes it even more of a difficult issue to handle.

Unfortunately, I don’t have any other words of wisdom except that you have to always be thinking about yourself; especially since you are a woman. Unless you are married, it is a good idea to always be on your toes because like you said you can’t depend on others to always be protecting you. You always have to have your best interests at heart. If he doesn’t want to hear what you have to say about being safe, it is a good idea to probably leave the relationship because it shows lack of compassion, trust, and general respect for a person. Hope this helps!

EDITOR’S NOTE: We always recommend the use of birth control to prevent the spread of STD’s and unplanned pregnancy. Prevention is the responsibility of both sexes, so we encourage girls to carry condoms along for casual sex and some form of birth control. Sex can be a very great bonding experience when the right precautions are taken. We are firm believers the best pathway to parenthood is through marriage. We know that doesn’t always happen, so we would never think negatively on any single parent for being one. Happy sex and safe days.

Random Q & A (Part X)

QUESTION: The guy I’m dating wants to know what my ‘number’ is. It’s a lot higher than his. Should I tell him or not? He told me he’s going to assume my ‘number’ is worse since I’m not telling him.


When it comes to the ‘number’ game, it can be a difficult process to discuss with your significant other. I actually had the same situation with my girlfriend when we began dating. Her number was significantly lower than mine because she had different morals/values than I did. She also intended on waiting until marriage. I had a different lifestyle in college before I met her and lived my life accordingly. When we came across this subject, it was a bit awkward to discuss. We both knew the type of lifestyle I used to lead, but she had no idea my number fairly high. That said, the best thing you can do is be honest with your partner. Everyone had their own lifestyles before meeting their significant other and should not be punished for what happened before you met.

There is a reason you may have engaged in sex with the other men. But at the same time, there is also a reason you are not dating them. Former boyfriends/girlfriends and one-night stands do happen. And it is not something anyone can take back. Yet if the guy you are dating truly cares about you, your ‘number’ shouldn’t cause him to turn away from you. By explaining things to him, hopefully it will make him trust you for being able to talk about such a difficult topic. And it will also help strengthen your relationship. When I did, my girlfriend respected that I could come clean, even though my ‘number’ was significantly higher than her. And I’m proud to say we are currently going on 3 years of being together.

QUESTION: There is a guy who is friends with my best friend and he lives an hour away. I can’t tell what he wants to do or if I’m just a fwb? He calls me a couple of times a month to see me and we have sex every time we see each other which makes it feel like we’re fwb. We’re not officially dating or anything, so we’re free to date other people.


You have to ask yourself a few questions. First, are you actively searching for a boyfriend or just playing the field? Second, are you developing feelings for this guy beyond sex? Third, what happens after you guys have sex? Do you continue to hang out in social settings such as going to the movies? Fourth, do you want to date him exclusively? Once you answer these questions, it will be easier to approach this situation.

If you are actively searching for a boyfriend, but you are continuously having sex with him when he visits, naturally you will develop relationship-type feelings. If you do hang out in social settings, then it’s no wonder why you have these feelings. If you answered yes to 2nd and 4th questions, then I suggest talking to him about your feelings. The worst thing you can do is to let things sit in your mind, letting it become jumbled and twisted.

Overthinking usually leads to disaster in relationships or before a relationship. You should speak what’s on your mind and heart. Then you can see where he is at. He might possibly be having the same type of feelings, but doesn’t want to rock the boat by asking you. It sounds stupid, but when it comes to stuff like this, some guys are really nervous. They are honestly just happy being in the situation they are in not wanting anything to happen asking the question, ‘what are we?’. If you feel this way and wish to pursue it as a relationship, just let him know how you feel. If he is on the same page, it should work out beautifully. If not, then you have to determine if fwb is the right thing for you and adjust accordingly.

QUESTION: I always meet assholes whenever I go to the bars/clubbing and end up dating them. I’m tired of it, how do I meet better guys? A good guy would be great, but those don’t seem to exist as often as the assholes.


I’ll be the first to tell you that assholes are EVERYWHERE! As a guy, I consistently see them with some amazing women. It makes me wonder how the heck they do it. Well I have an answer for that. The reason assholes continue to get great women is because great women continue to fall for asshole moves. We all know what they are and how they act. Most of the time, they all look the same. If you want to find a real man and not just any guy, meet them outside of the bar/clubs. Here’s how it usually breaks down by the numbers for guys at the bar/club: 70% are assholes, 15% happily married (their wife is with them), 10% have girlfriends and are committed, and 5% are single and are good guys.

When any of my friends tell me, ‘Oh we met at a bar’, I think to myself, ‘another one bites the dust’. I know it’s hard to hear. But meeting people in a bar and having it work out is like hitting the lottery. It is VERY rare. Most people at the bar usually have two things on their mind, 1) how fast can I get drunk and 2) who is my target to hook up with? My advice to you is try your best to just go to the bar with friends to simply have a good time. Don’t focus on trying to meet guys there with the notion of starting a relationship. I understand you have no control of where you meet someone, but a bar is usually a difficult spot to find a great guy. Try doing activities that you enjoy like such as sports/social clubs/gym. The chances of you meeting a great guy at these places and having it turn into a healthy relationship is vastly higher than if you try it in a bar.

Random Q & A (Part IX)


I am really into this guy I’ve been dating and we’ve been holding out so we can just take it slow. Now we’re talking about making the plunge. I’ve never waited this long for a guy I’ve been dating, will it totally change everything or screw it up.


You’re absolutely right, sex is definitely a part of life. It’s also an important component in relationships, not the most important component, but still important. I think putting too much emphasis on sex also demonstrates maturity. Only through experience, growth, discipline, and maturity can you honestly appreciate the importance of finding the right person. Which is totally different than experiencing it from a selfish standpoint and only being concerned on fulfilling a basic need. Everyone’s different though. How it changes will depend on how strong your intimate bond is and how true your feelings are for each other.


The important thing is the fact that you have BOTH been talking about holding off on ‘taking the plunge’. It Lol. Yes. A stretch. Laying on ur back with legs spread is a stretch. I’ll add that to my stretch down workout. U can do whatever u want to me, the pleasure is worth the temporary pain. This is a big step that both of you have been taking together. Doing this makes sure you have a strong relationship that isn’t solely based on sex. While sex is natural and important in relationships, it is not the most important physical aspect. You must be sure you and your partner are at a stable point in your relationship. So that you’re able to take the next step, without it causing any issues. Everyone’s relationship is different, so it is difficult to say whether it will cause repercussions, if you do engage in sex. The safest way to guarantee that you are ready is to discuss sex with your partner. Be sure you are both ready before taking the plunge. If only one of you is truly ready, it may create instability in the relationship.

The girl I’ve been dating and I have been messing around the last several weeks. We never went all the way because she told me she wanted to wait on that, so I waited. But last night, we were very intimate and I was getting mixed signals for her. So, I decided to go for it. The next morning, she stormed out of my apartment and told me ‘you should find another girl for sex’, as she stormed out. I feel really bad and she won’t respond to my texts or calls. I apologized but just ignored me.

It’s a good thing you apologized, but if she can’t accept your sincerity, then she lost out on a great guy who really cares for her. You’re human, people make mistakes, especially guys in moments of weakness. If she can’t accept that, she’s got a lot to learn that you can’t teach her by yourself. Give her a few days to calm down and have a conversation with her. She probably may have overreacted, so you should talk things over.


Honestly, that is a tough decision you decided to make in the heat of the moment. I can’t say I blame you because it is difficult to interpret signals in the heat of the moment. It sounds like your heart and mind are in the right frame of mind and she isn’t just a ‘booty call’. My question to you is, ‘how much did you two discuss waiting before engaging in sex’? I know when some women say ‘I want to wait’, they mean they want to wait a little while. They want to get to know you and feel out the relationship before just getting down to ‘business’. While still others mean ‘I truly am waiting for marriage’. I know it may be hard to believe, but there really are some women who are still are very traditional. These women truly want to be married before having sex. I have no idea whether your lady friend is that type of woman or not. But, if she is, she might think you didn’t respect her enough to wait. From what it sounds like, you seem to be a decent, respectable guy and she simply overreacted. My best advice is to give her a day of space to cool off and then give her a call to explain your side to her. Make sure you also give her a chance to express her side as well. If she wants to ‘wait’ for marriage, you have to decide if that’s what you want. If it is what you want, express that to her and see how she feels. If she continues to give you grief, get upset about it, won’t take your calls, it might be time to explore other options unfortunately.

I’m so sick of seeing my ex-boyfriend get everything he wants. He is a charmer and is very good looking so he always finds a way to get what he wants. He’s dumb as a doornail, but happens to attract nice, good looking women, like me. Women that he can’t take care of or appreciate. And I’m sick of watching it. I’ve had so many hardships the last 10 years and his life is so easy. Why do people get off so easy and spoiled?


You can’t only blame the spoiled person for getting what they want. You also have to blame the people giving the spoiled person what they want. That’s just not being realistic and honest with yourself by blaming them. If I was hurt by someone I can’t only blame them if I continue to let them hurt me. People have a tendency to take the easy way out and place the blame on someone else but people only do what you allow them to. If you don’t like it, don’t put up with it, and don’t give them what they don’t deserve.

Unfortunately, the way of the world is easier for some than others. Some people have all the luck, whether it be in the dating world, job searches, etc. It may be a hard pill to swallow, but you have to try your best to ignore those types of individuals. And instead surround yourself with people that share the same interests as you. If you spend your time dwelling that your ex ‘has it so easy’, you will always be stooping to his level. And you will never be able to rise above him and his ways. I’m not sure if he broke up with you in the relationship or vice versa, but think of it this way — ‘if you broke it off with him, you already have risen above his standards. That makes you smarter than those that he is currently duping right now. If he broke up with you, it is better that you are not with him, especially since he doesn’t know how to handle you anyway.

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Random Q & A (Part VI)

Q: She sent me a text saying “I feel like we’ve been together a long time. Well I guess we have. 6 months in total.” what does this mean?

A: It means she trusts u to be herself. That she can be herself around you. That you guys are just walls down and not playing games. It’s a good thing. She feels at home with you.

Q: Just wondering how it affects things if a girl talks dirty with a guy but don’t use ‘make love’. Does that degrade the girl if she talks dirty and drops f bombs instead of saying ‘sex’?

A: It just depends on the guy and the relationship you have. Everyone is different, but you should be aware enough to see what the respect level is. The more respect he has for you, the less he will look down on you. Guys of high caliber can separate sex talk from the rest of the relationship. Both parties should know how to isolate sex and sex talk from the rest of the relationship.

Q: I started dating this new guy and I’m feeling a little insecure. He always acts like a gentleman doing old fashioned things like pulling my chair out for me, opening doors for me, picking me up for dates, and even meeting me at the door when he picks me up for dates He listens to everything I say and always makes time for me. How do I know if he’s the real deal?

A: Sounds like a sweet deal. He is doing and saying all the right things, but only time will tell if he is the real deal. You just have to be patient to figure that out. You don’t want to cut out too early if he’s the real thing but don’t want to stay too long if he isn’t. A few things to look out for is that he’s consistent in what he say and does, also be sure to see if you’re progressing in more than just the physical realm, and a deeper connection as time passes. Pay attention to what he does and if it backs up what he says. Keep your eyes open and really evaluate whether he’s doing what he says he’s about.

Random Q & A (Part III)

Random, that’s about what dating life is around here.  We’re watching our own team going through some changes, all good changes though.  But, new relationships here, taking breaks from dating, people preparing to date, and relationships ending.  It’s the circle of dating life!  So, we see questions from here to there, from abstinence to sex and dating, and everything in between.  But, we all have something to learn from each other and something to teach each other too.  Sit back, read our latest questions and ponder life.  Or just stare at the questions and be in awe that dating life is as complicated as it is.  Here it comes:

Q:  I’m not ready to have sex yet with the new guy I’m dating, but he seems rushed to do it.  How do I know if that’s all he wants or if he actually wants more.  I know sex is definitely a part of any relationship though. 

ARIANA:  You’re absolutely right that sex is definitely a part of life.  It’s also an important component in relationships, not one of the most important components but still important. I think not putting too much emphasis on sex also demonstrates maturity. Only through experience, growth, discipline, and maturity can you honestly appreciate finding the right person to share that experience with rather than experiencing it from a selfish standpoint.  Then you’re only concerned on fulfilling a basic need. Everyone’s different though.

Q:  I started dating this new girl and she told me she was a virgin waiting for the right person to have sex.  We’ve been messing around a lot, and then one night we went all the way.  She had said one thing, but her actions spoke another.  The next morning she woke up and told me that’s all I wanted.  And she said I should find someone else as she stormed out.  I feel terrible, I wanted to respect her wishes but I wasn’t clear on what she wanted.  She means a lot to me and I’m not sure what to do.  If she wants to wait, then I’ll wait.  I just need to know what she wants.  I apologized on text and voicemail, but she hasn’t responded.   

ARIANA:  You sound like a man of your word.  I have no doubt you feel bad about being with a virgin.  If she can’t accept your sincerity, then she lost out on a great guy. You are human  People make mistakes, especially guys in moments of weakness. If she can’t accept that, she’s got a lot to learn that you can’t teach her by yourself.  And if waiting on sex is what she wants, then she needs to be loud and clear in and outside the bedroom.  It would be important to also set a list of ground rules to be sure you stay within the boundaries.  Waiting is never an easy thing.  Good luck with that!  Ever heard of the color BLUE!

Q:  I feel so superficial but all the guys I like are usually good-looking guys.  And they’re in great shape with a great body, it just drives me wild and I want to take a bite out of that.  I feel like I’m being too superficial going for these guys, because a lot of times they turn out to be players. 

ARIANA:  Looking good is an admirable goal and physical fitness is key. Plus, if you take care of your body it’ll care of you,  Take a bite out of that?  Classic!  Initially we’re all superficial and that’s just our basic human instinct. We follow our senses and with sight being one of them, it’s natural to initially be attracted to what you see and go from there.  No one can ever tell you what or who you should be attracted to, only you know.  Attraction is a natural feeling, so don’t feel bad if that’s your taste because everybody is different.


Random Q & A (Part II)

Q: I met a wonderful guy, but he doesn’t want to be officially boyfriend and girlfriend. But we talk and text all day every day and he even drove an hour to come see me and have dinner with me the other day. He said he’ll wait til marriage for having sex with me if that’s what I really wanted. But, he told me he would only want to be friends if I slept with other people. Should I keep this guy?


Where in the world did you find this guy? I mean, really, he is willing to wait until you’re ready for sex. We’ve all heard and read about these guys, but they’re like mythical creatures! Few people, women included, in this day and age want to make that sacrifice. And, if that’s what you want, then why would you want another guy sexually. He may not give you a title but he’s giving you something more. He’s giving you respect and himself outside the bedroom. Forget what you’ve known and keep what you see in front of you. I’m sure the ride will be worth it.

Q: I met a guy and he promised he’ll never cheat, should I believe him?


Yeah. I just take it day by day. No one, good person or not, can ever promise they won’t do something in the future like cheat. No one can ever guarantee they’ll even be the same person. So, you just gotta trust the right person, pay attention to your gut and live life. That’s all we can control is putting ourselves in the presence of the right places, situations and people, and then just live moment by moment.

Q: I’m a single girl in her 20’s and I’m just having fun dating. I sleep with different guys, but I’m a good person. I just like guys a lot! I don’t see what the problem is with that? But I just want to get a second opinion.


Girl, you are a lot emotionally stronger than most women I know. What you are doing, most women couldn’t ever emotionally allow themselves to get there. You’re young and you’re having fun. But, there will come a time in your life when you meet someone amazing and you will wish there were none before who were part of your sexual memory. And that never had a piece of you that you can never get back. And that the man you love could have more first experiences with you that some other guy didn’t claim before. You just have to get a balance, girl, for what you want physically and what emotional/relationship goals you are going for to make sure you’re hitting that. Most likely, one day you’ll want kids and a husband. And you’ll wonder where all the years went to try to lead up to that if you’re not in a healthy marriage. Just don’t deny yourself of the love you deserve for too long. But make sure you’re a tough girl. Don’t put up with sh&t from guys and drop them in a heartbeat if they disrespect you. Just keep your end goal in mind with guys and work with that. It’s okay to go sample all the flavors of the world. But just keep being safe.


I’m a photographer and just starting out my business. I’ve had a lot of beautiful girls ask me to do their portrait shots and photo sessions. Some people think I’m doing it just to get the girls, but I honestly love photography. And I am trying to build my business. How should I handle my relations with girls in this situation?


Alas, one of those lucky guys surrounded by beautiful women. That’s a great place for someone such as yourself to be surrounded by beauty while you are doing your passion. First off, you should make you are professional during the photo shoot. Nothing will send the ladies running faster than knowing there’s a creepy guy waiting to take pictures of them just so you can pick up on them. That’s definitely not going to help build your business. Also, is there is an interest, wait til the business and photo shoot is over before you pursue anything. But I wouldn’t make it a habit of this, you don’t want that reputation. And don’t listen to other people, people will always have negative things to say and try to make it seem that you have ulterior motives. If you don’t, then just forget them and do your thing! Snap away!


QUESTION: Last night at the club, I ran into the girl I had been talking to for a couple weeks. I had just stopped returning her texts a week before because I just didn’t want to get into a relationship like she wanted and rightly deserved. I met her in the club but she was one of the most loving, sincere, genuine and good hearted girls I have ever met. On top of that, she was beautiful. I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go any further. We hadn’t kissed or anything but I wanted to just stop before I hurt her. It wasn’t anything about her but I just ignored her, it was what I thought was the best thing to do to keep from hurting her. Well, I saw her initially and she just looked at me. I was surprised to see her for one, for two she looked hot and my attraction for her hadn’t faded, and for three I didn’t know what to say. She ran into me a second time and she just confronted me. I finally admitted everything and why I did what I did. I wasn’t a jerk and I wasn’t going to use her for sex, she didn’t deserve to be treated like that. I just don’t make a good boyfriend. Then she asked if we could have sex. I was shocked she would ask when I knew she was the kind of girl you keep and get in a relationship with. We walked out together when the club closed and I stood around while a few guys came up to her hugging on her, getting her number and kissing her on the lips. After the guys were gone she walked up to me, I don’t think she realized I saw it all. I offered to take her and her sister to their car. When I dropped her off, I just started singing this R & B song to her, pulling my cheek next to her, bringing my lips close to her, biting her ear. Yeah, I teased her. And then she looked at me waiting for me to ask her to come over to my place. I couldn’t do it and I didn’t say anything. Then she turned and got out of the car. I met up with my friends and couldn’t stop thinking about her. So I messaged her while my boys and I were eating and asked if she got home okay. Then I told her I wished she was with me. She didn’t believe me like she used to and then she asked why. I told her it was a secret. I couldn’t tell her that I wanted her too. I hadn’t felt such an attraction to a girl since my ex 4 years ago but I know I can’t deliver. But she’s been on my mind all day today. I’m not sure what to do. What should I do? Should I take her up on her offer to be friends with benefits?

ANSWER: Funny how our bodies don’t often listen to where our hearts are. You didn’t exactly say why you’d be a good boyfriend? I mean, it has been 4 years since your last relationship so you obviously haven’t been able to get into a relationship, but she’s also the first one in 4 years that you’ve been so strongly attracted to. That’s pretty powerful stuff. And I don’t see why you can care about her enough to not sleep with her last night but can’t give her more. I’m not sure I follow. You’re treating her with respect which is like a boyfriend, you’re strongly attracted to her and that’s like a boyfriend, and you seem to like everything about her (that was a long list there). I could understand your fear and that’s fine. But fear does get the best out of us. Why does it have to be all or nothing? How do you exactly know she wants a relationship after only talking to her for a few weeks? I don’t see why you don’t take a chance and see where it goes? You might be in for a surprise that you may care enough about the girl to consider her feelings on a daily basis as intense as you did when you cut things off. Honestly, I think it’s more of your fear to fall for her than it is to protect her. She proposed friends with benefits and you said no? You said no to her last night even though you’re attracted to her? What guy does that? Most guys I know are like that when they’re not interested or just want to be friends. You can run from your feelings, but know that you’re running from a good girl you obviously care about. What’s wrong with just spending time together and taking it day by day? Did you even ask her if she wants to get into a relationship? Just because someone is the kind of person you should be in a relationship with, doesn’t necessarily mean they want to be in a relationship at that time! You never know til you ask or try. Or you just walk away and lose a good girl. It’s your choice. She’s on your mind for a reason and it’s obviously not sex! Sometimes you gotta take a chance and go with that feeling you’ve never had in 4 years. Life doesn’t wait for us, when you have something good, sometimes you have to go for it and think about how it’ll work later. She’s obviously willing to compromise a relationship need if she’s asking for friends with benefits. But it sounds this time like it’s role reversal. You don’t want more and she’ll settle for sex. Most guys would jump on the fwb option. Don’t know what else to tell you except that she’ll be gone and gone soon if you just let it go or wait too long. A girl that can pull a few guys in one night has a pretty good bargaining position. Jump on it or say bye bye. I doubt she’ll let you come back again once this opportunity is gone or she might even be in a serious relationship or married by then. Good girls like that don’t last long being single. And you sir may be single the rest of your life if your fear keeps you on the sidelines! That’s what’s up!

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