Baby Daddy or Husband

Most couples like to enjoy themselves every now and then with physical intimacy.  It is the highest expression of your desire for another person.  But what happens when the unplanned happens and you have to face the consequences after?  Read on.

QUESTION:

I’ve been dating this guy for 4 months and I feel really strongly about him, more than any other guy before him.  He’s a real gentleman, always makes me feel safe, and truly cares for me.  He does things for me that I never imagined in a dateable guy.  He encourages me, inspires me, and is always humbly leading us, taking care of everything.  We’ve had a wonderful time dating this entire time and started being intimate last month.  Well, now we’re dealing with an unplanned pregnancy.  I already have a 3 yr old from another baby daddy, and I am embarassed as hell that I will have another baby daddy.  I truly care for him and I think he’s planning to propose next month during Christmas vacation when I visit my parents.  It’s just my gut feel.  I thought I could marry him, but then I’m scared of a ton of marriage issues.  What if he cheats on me?  Will we be financially okay?  How will he treat my 3 yr old?  How will my 3 yr old react?  He’s in the Army, so what happens when he deploys?  Will he agree with my ways of parenting?  Will I be able to run a domestic household?  I really love and care for him, but I’m scared to take that jump to marriage.  The baby daddy of my last child was horrible and did nothing for us, I was left to be mother, provider, working mom, and dad all in one.  He tells me ,he will ‘do right by me’ ,and be my side, but how do I know for sure.  Part of me just doesn’t want to get married because I’m so scared.  But, I know he’s husband material.  I’m not sure whether I want him as a baby daddy or a husband?  How do I know?  Is this natural to be this scared?  If I’m so afraid of the consequences, should I have be physically intimate with him?  What’s the best thing to do?

SLICK RICK:

To start this off, all I can say is WOW!!!  For once in my life, I have encountered an issue that required me to put a hand over my mouth, shake my head, take a deep breath and say holy crap!  Not to worry though, Slick Rick at your service.

There is a lot of emotions and scenarios involved in your situation. It has only been four months since you and your boyfriend have been together, so while it may “seem like you have known each other forever”, it is still a short amount of time. I do have some questions for you though. First, does he know about your 3 year old and the whole “other baby daddy” situation? I know it can be difficult introducing your child to a new man, especially if it doesn’t seem to be working out with him (although from the way it sounds you two are working out wonderfully). Having to continuously introduce a child to different men can become confusing and create unstability within the household; so if you haven’t introduced the two, then I completely understand your logic behind it. Second, does your boyfriend know that you are pregnant yet?  If he does, then at least he is briefed on the fact that he is about to become a father and it won’t be a total shock.  If he does not know, it would be in your best interest to inform him IMMEDIATELY.  As a man, we don’t like for bombs to be dropped in our laps at the last minute. The sooner he knows your are pregnant, the better for both of you and for numerous issues such as stress, anxiety, fear, etc…Third, why does your gut tell you he is going to propose? Has marriage even come up in discussions? I’m not knocking your ‘gut feelings’ because I get those too.  I’m just trying to understand your logic and where that idea is coming from. Four, have you met his parents, particularly his father? Not all the time, but a fair amount of the time you can gather an idea about how your guy is going to be as a husband/father based on his parents and how he is raised. Remember, this is not with EVERYONE.  Also, I hear this quite often from many women I come in contact with, (especially my girlfriend) that they only see themselves marrying someone that reminds them of THEIR OWN father. Now I’m not sure how your father is, but if he is a great man, then perhaps you could use him as a guide to judging your own man. Five, what is your living situation? Do you live together? Do you have a job as well? Do you guys both help each other pay the bills or is it ‘every man/woman for themselves’?

I know these questions may seemall over the map and random, but they each have significance in your situation. You said that he is a great guy, always encouraging you, taking care of everything, etc.  It sounds like he is a heck of a guy right off the bat.  Being in the military also helps weed out the “asshole” portion of him a lot, because the military tries to grooms assholes into intelligent, hard-working men (although that’s not always the case). It doesn’t work for all, but for many, it seems to do the trick. You also have to keep in mind, it is a good idea to remember that your last “baby daddy” was too immature to be a father, but you can’t judge your current man based on another man’s mistakes. You are with this guy for a reason, so be sure not to punish him based off of a former relationship.

Okay, I think questions 1 and 2 are pretty self explanatory as to why you should discuss these with your boyfriend. If you feel comfortable around him and that he is an earnest, hard-working, compassionate guy.  And he also treats you with the utmost dignity and respect, you should do the same for him and enlighten him about your 3 year old. If you are pregnant with his baby now, you should DEFINITELY tell him about that as well.

On to question 3, your gut tells you he is going to propose.  Let’s take it easy here.  You never want to assume anything, especially when your man is going to propose.  If you have been discussing it, then that’s one thing to get excited about it.  If it hasn’t come up in conversation at all, it is best to probably leave it be. It is best to conquer the mountain one situation at a time.  And the current situation is your unplanned pregnancy. Now remember, this is only my advice (if any others reading this have advice here feel free to jump in).  But once you break the news to him about being pregnant, that’s when you begin to ask about how it is going to work out.  You definitely don’t want to just assume that he is going to propose.  Because if he doesn’t, then you are setting yourself up for a HUGE let-down.

For most responsible men, once you tell them that you are pregnant, a sense of manhood and ownership takes control over us.  It triggers our brains to get ready to become the provider that we are meant to be. It may take him a few days or even a week to get his brain together.  But be there with him, as he will be there for you, and talk to him about everything you are thinking as far as theabout your future together. If you are worried about the money and all that keep this in mind, the military always looks out for family!  They will help with medical for you and the baby, housing, etc.  Also, if you do decide to work together on this and the military does help you guys out.  They will also do this in the event he gets deployed, as long as you are living together and have proof that he is the father (paternity test). My advice for living together is to discuss moving in to basic housing, which is provided by the military, to make your living arrangements easier for the both of you.

With question four, it’s only my interpretation and not always true. Typically when you see your significant other’s family, you get a good feel for how he is raised and what values/morals he has. Word of caution though, we all do not turn out as our parents do. Everyone is their own person, so you have to just feel him out and see how he is.  If he is as caring and compassionate as you say, then it doesn’t sound like he is going to go rogue and change based on your unplanned pregnancy.  You said that he is always around and encouraging you.  To me it doesn’t sound like he is going to ‘up and cheat’ on you just because you are pregnant.

As for question five, the reason I asked all this info is because if you are already living together, then both of you splitting the bills should be a natural thing.  When I moved in with my girlfriend (after a month of dating) we immediately sat down together as we began discussing what the bills were (rent, electric, water, etc). We divided them up and both contributed.  She currently makes more money than I do, but with all my checks, I contribute as much as I can and we work it out together.  Obviously if you do not live together, this could be problematic. My suggestion is after you inform him you are pregnant, it would be wise to give him a few days to let everything sink in.  After he has time to get a grasp on being a father, I would sit down with him and present the idea of living together, especially if you have plans of wanting to marry him.  There is no better way of telling if things are going to work out with another individual than living together.  By doing this, you find out everything you need to about a person: likes/dislikes, cleanliness, how well you are in each other’s space, etc.

As far as your parenting skills, all I can say is that you already have your own ways with your 3 year old.  You won’t know how he acts as a parent until you introduce him to your current child.  Basically, tread lightly with this. What I mean is to explain to him your methods and ask if he has any suggestions. Your child is already acclimated to your ways and might rebel against him, if he isn’t consistent with your forms of discipline. Talk to him about what you do with your child and give it a trial run.  The worst thing is not to give him a chance to show that he can take care of business in that department. If it doesn’t work out with him being a disciplinarian, then I suggest you handle your 3 year old and start fresh with the new baby.

Being scared is a natural part of all of this stuff. I mean I’m sitting here writing this and thinking to myself, this poor girl must be petrified. Just remember, take it one day at a time.  Be open, honest, and give him a fair shot to be the man he claims he is. Don’t judge him based off of your previous ‘baby daddy’ because he will grow distant from you.  It will create resentment if he is consistently compared to a former man. Be just as supportive of him as he is of you.  Keep this in mind as well: he is probably just as scared as you are, if not more (as men we will never admit this to our woman).  I hope this helps you with your ‘baby daddy’ issue :).  Congratulations on your pregnancy (even if it was unplanned) and good luck!!

*Slick Rick now needs a vacation haha*

Posted using Tinydesk Writer iPhone app

Advertisements

Creating life in destruction

Q: My girlfriend is psycho and is getting on my case. Well, actually technically we’re on a break but we do still mess around. I do love her though. Four months ago when we started living together, we found out a month later she was pregnant and we had only been dating for a year. Everything was great prior to the ‘accident’. It was her fault, she stopped being on the pill and I told her that it was her fault. We fought over the whole thing, took 4 pregnancy tests to make sure, and she wanted me to stay together with her. She wanted to read family books together and plan the baby room. She was moving way too fast for me, so I decided to move out and left her to live by herself. She thinks I’m not there for her, but I am. I see her every few days, but she’s just dependent on me because she has no family within a 5 hr drive. I am not ready for any of this and I still keep my same lifestyle. I don’t want to marry her just because of the pregnancy, the thought of only sleeping with one girl the rest of my life scares the life out of me. She wants me to give up my night life of going out half the week, but I don’t want to. I don’t think I should and the kid isn’t here yet. We get to be intimate but I don’t have to be there all the time for her anymore, it’s less stressful. I didn’t tell her, but I started meeting other girls and talking to different girls that I meet and see out often when I go out. I don’t live with her anymore, so I see and spend time with different girls throughout the week. I know she’s not dating anyone, she doesn’t feel right dating someone while she’s pregnant. Plus, I’d be upset if she got intimate with another guy while she’s carrying my child. She was great before all this happened, we had fun together, she loved to be with me. She had her life together more than most girls I knew. She really was the total package, but she just got needy when she got pregnant. Now she constantly on a daily basis goes through my phone and gets upset at texts she sees from different girls. She’s even called a couple of the girls and told them she was pregnant with my kid. I know I didn’t talk to other girls before when we were together, but technically we’re not together even though we haven’t officially said it. How can I get her off my back and to stop being so needy? I want to keep things the way they were before the pregnancy.

A: But wow, so everything is great, then she gets pregnant and then it’s ruined? You say you love this girl, then she begins to carry your child and it’s ruined. And, I had to read that like TEN times to make sure, and yes, indeed, it said it was HER fault. If it was her fault honey, she wouldn’t have needed you. It takes two to tango and when the dance is done, you either keep going or end the dance right there. It’s your choice. You do realize this ‘girlfriend on a break’ is pregnant and instead of preparing for a child, you’re refusing to change your lifestyle. In fact, you bail and move out when it happens. Usually bailing out and talking to other girls doesn’t really spell love for a woman or man for that matter (reversed with guys instead). Party boy, you’re in for a rude awakening when that child is born (and believe me, it will come sooner than you know) that child will need you to feed/change/soothe her/him in the middle of the night at all hours. If you can say your all night partying is preparing for you to stay up when the child is born, I guess you could use that backwards, roundabout excuse. But honestly the sooner you starting preparing, the quicker the transition to fatherhood will be for you. In fact, look at your ‘girlfriend’ and see that you’re already a father in the making. If all that means is to sort through your fears, expectations, cares and worries, then you’re doing all 3 of you a favor. A child is an extension of the love (which you said is true because you did mention the L word) between 2 people, not a lightning bolt striking them dead on the spot. Life does go on and you have a precious life in your hands. In fact, you have TWO lives in your hand now. No matter if you stay with this young lady or not, you will always have a relationship with her and if you’re going to be a good father, you’ll treat her with the same respect that I’m hoping you’d like to teach your son. But, then again, I’m making an assumption that’s what you want to teach your child, people do have different values nowadays. Her ‘neediness’ is a real thing as a result of the pregnancy, she loves you and wants you to step up to the plate and take care of her and your child. Her going out days are gone, at least for now, while you continue to make no changes and actually start talking to other girls. ‘Technically’ you’re still together if you haven’t had the ‘talk’. So, you can talk and do whatever it is that you do with these girls, BUT she can’t be intimate with a man because your child is inside her. Make up your mind, your double standard is painfully obvious. If you’re scared and in denial, which it sounds like you are, then do start there. That’s how you get her off your back, full disclosure that there’s other girls, you want to keep your lifestyle, you don’t want to commit fully to her and you have no clue as to what kind of father you’ll be or how to man up. Do her a favor and let her go, someone else will take her and treat her the way she deserves. And let me tell you if she’s such a great catch, she’ll be gone before you wise up to the truth of the matter. There are tons of men out there ready to accept a single mother and take charge and lead the family. Sit back down, get off the ship, and let her maneuver her way through the rough waters ahead. I’ll tell you she’s better off alone than to bring your drama with her. This is going to happen whether you’re ready or not. You can choose to be involved in the beautiful gift that is unfolding itself or you can have your single life with women, booze, and the freedom to please you and only you. Do what you gotta do, this will go on with or without your commitment.

%d bloggers like this: